Life can be a Pain

Thanks @Zoe7

I watched TV and had had dinner and I feel more relaxed than I have for a few days

After thinking about it for hours I sent a long email to my cousin - he is many years younger than I am - younger than my son would have been - and it is a good thing to be able to provide support for people when my family of origin has pushed me away though decades - luckily I have a better opinion of myself than they do

I really get how people can have poor self-esteem if their family is not supportive - as Dr Phil says about it taking 1,000 attaboys or attagirls to erase one derogatory comment

Let's see what life has in store in the near future - I do tend to think disaster is about to strike at times - possibly because I grew up in an environment thick with secrets - the truth would burst onto the scene with all the sublety of an atomic bomb and less warning and we had no control - no wonder I can get freaked out - it's great I have learned to live with it in my old age

So - life is never dull

Dec

Aahhh @Former-Member

That penguin pic - my relationship with my siblings - yeah - that is cute and funny - my brother tending to be the penguin in the water though - he couldn't take a trick and was always getting laughed at when we were all young and had Christmas together

But - the good news -

My forum family and my cousins

There is always the rest of my family

And yesterday - bleak day - I was nearly crying at the bank and at the sub-post office and then cuddled the cat and really cried and hopefully all the tears are out right now

Maybe there are more pictures of my owl-family

Of course

I hope things are going well with your search for a place to call your own - I have heard there are places where you have your own place but you can have your meals in your own space or go to a dining room and there is always someone on call if you need help

Looking for the right place isn't easy but it could be a great outcome - I wish that for you

Dec

Hey @Owlunar I hope you get a reply from your cousin soon and can be updated on the situation of bit more. It is diffiult when you don't know the full extent of the situation but you are doing everything you can to find out more.

Glad that you are feeling little more relaxed - we often take time for news to settle and once that time has passed we can think more rationally about it when the intial emotional response settles.

Life is truly never dull Dec but sometimes we do wish it was a bit more balanced.

Hi @Owlunar, thought of you when I saw this beautiful image. Not sure why cause it’s not an owl. Then it popped in my head that this is God’s point of view, how he see’s you - a beautiful swan, and how he holds you lovingly, gently in the palm of his hand, and watches over you with great kindness.

That is a truly beautiful picture @Former-Member - and very apt

Years ago - wow - over 20 years ago - when I wrote my satire called The Stupid Chicken I did realise it was the story of the Ugly Duckling's mother and I was the ugly duckling and from that I became a swan - true - I have not thought much about my life as a swan but it is there - the owls are just more of my image and owls are popular - I have had owls in my life - real owls - and although they are not common in a city now they were when I was a child and I loved them then and I still do

But also - I did go to Albert Park Lake with my parents to feed the swans - black swans - and yes - the Botanic Gardens - wonderful memories

I have had a chaotic few days - the BBQ is this afternoon and I had a problem with my shopping driver yesterday - it was the woman who interupts constantly - she may be lonely and feels unheard but she is being paid to take me shopping and I have complained twice and here she was again yesterday and I had asked for someone else and I sent her away which means I need to go out in a taxi to get a few things - stuff for my dessert for the BBQ mostly - and a present for my son-in-law's birthday - big birthday for him

It seems all the practise I have been doing for self-calming has worked because although I have been teary through the last days I have been able to go through those bleak moments are get out of it - my uncle is a special person and true everyone has to die but it is also hard waiting for the time

The support I have had from you and from the forum has been wonderful - and I have not felt so isolated during the last few days with inconvenient issues that have gone along with the sad news - yes - hearing about a loved-one reaching the end of life is hard as you know -

At the same time I have been recalling past joy with having such a good friend all my life - someone who has been there for me when things have been very dark for me - and who actually officiated at my wedding - someone who remarked often on how astute my knowledge and the width and depth of my reading was commented on often - it is good to write these things

I have been truly blessed

Thanks for the swan Lapses - it really means a lot - the owls are maybe on my outer-persona - the swan would be in inner image

Dec

Hi @Owlunar How did the BBQ go? Did you manage to get through without having to engage with your sister at all? Been thinking about you and hoping you got through it ok

Hi @Zoe7@Former-Member@Sophia1@utopia@outlander

Good morning fellow battlers - we are travelling different but similar stories and I am tired - really tired

The BBQ - totally unexepected - I have been feeling really displaced since then - it was a good time but there were some unexpected things there that left me wiped out.

My sister - yes - I ignored her for most of the time and there were plenty of people there and I was busy listening to them - really involved with what they were saying - I have trouble finding my gifts at times but listening to other people is one of them and without saying much I draw people out so my toxic sister was there but I really wasn't bothered by her

She doesn't look at all well - really thin - I would rather carry what I call useful weight - for those of us a little overweight - we are better off I am sure - and my sister is younger than me but looks older - wow - I was rather shocked actually

Anyway - I have no idea what goes on in her mind and she had to find something to speak to me about and I will admit when she spoke to me I wasn't user-friendly at that moment - she had gone through my mother's photographs and put them in albums and asked me if I wanted to see them - she talked about all of this and I gave her eye-contact and responded but inside myself I could only detect mistrust - I am wondering why she bothered but still - maybe my failure to speak to her is more powerful than I thought - it doesn't change my attitude though - enough about her - she was not the hard part of the barbeque

There were many people at the BBQ who knew my son and they talked about him - this was great but draining - my daughter and her husband have spent years being psychologically supportive with these men who were only teens when my son died and it is always a great thing when anyone wants to talk about him because it's rare now.

How my son's death shocked them! How it changed their lives! Oh my God - I know how to listen - I draw people out - after several conversations like this I was drained and I still am - they wanted to tell me and I let them talk and I feel for them - I care - but where have they been all these years? Right there - in my daughter's life. They are her friends. I did not know them - all these years - all this time. I wanted to listen. I wanted to hear. I know how a suicide wounds people - and they told me

I guess this would have been fine - even good - spread over years - decades- but to get it all on one night with me sister gazing at me from the other side of the garden - until she caught me at an unguarded moment. Awwwwwwww - I am glad I went and after many people had gone my sister-in-law and her husband drove me home and it was good time - when I had my bag and was saying goodbye another person came up to tell me her story about my son and I would have listened - but I was drained - and I was exhausted all day yesterday and today - I have a lot to attend to today and I am really tired and right now have no idea where to start.

Okay - let's get it over in one post if possible - my daughter is really ill - she looks really thin and she got cold and was shaking - she had disappeared for a while and told me she had a "female moment" - yes - I get that - someone lit a fire-pit and that was good to stand near - and she did and people gathered around her.

My grand-daughter is having surgery on Friday and she doesn't know what they will be doing at this stage - but the good news is that she had a really great boyfriend and I am really pleased about this - I worked with this guy's father years ago and respected him - I thought of him highly and his son seems much the same kind of man and this is good news

So today - I have to sort out a shopping shift and talk about the stuff-up with the person who kept interrupting me - that is not something I could have dealt with on Friday - and then then was a stuff-up on my Medicare Claim and they can deal with that at my clinic - I didn't make the mistake - the woman on the desk did and right now I have enough on my plate

And I haven't heard anything else from my cousin but regardless I am getting a passport - after going to two different post-offices I find I have to do that on-line - what???? - I am sure there are ways around this.

I need another therapist - just to talk things through with really - there is stuff in my past I know all about and don't need to rehash but living alone with the repercussions of the death of my son is too hard esp on a Monday morning after having several men unload on me at the barbecue - all these years and I did not know them - they were teenagers then and I did not know them and my daughter expected me too - yeah - I knew them names but needed reminding

Some hard truth there - my daughter has a duty of care I will never take her up on - she has done a great job with her friends but missed her mother in the tide of time which has been rough - but that's her life and her choice and she can keep it - it's is hurting me rather this morning

Hard stuff - for a Monday - I get it

Dec

You certainly had a big day at the BBQ @Owlunar It would have been draining listening to all those people, that you did not know, talking about your son. You did an amazing job to deal with all that. Then to have to interact with your sister with her showing you the photo album must have been heart wrenching under the circumstances. You did so well to get through that and it is no wonder you are feeling drained still.

It is good that your grandaughter seems to have a nice partner and that you know his father. It is not so good that your daughter is not well still - she certainly has had a rough ride for quite some time now.