Life can be a Pain

HI @Former-Member

Ah yes - I called my daughter dd - means dear daughter - just email short-hand I have picked up along the line

I would have liked to see her yesterday - but she is always too busy - yesterday it was work - but she rang me on Sunday - and her aunt/god-mother was visiting - and amazing how people get to see her on weekends but I don't

But then she works most weekends -

Easter is coming up - I might be the first person to ask to see her over Easter but I bet I don't - however the date I will not move on is Christmas Day - I hold fast to that one

Still all things being equal I will see her and my gd - grand-daughter - tomorrow for brunch - we have a great coffee shop at the shops on the corner.

Backache - ah yes - I was tired - I walked to the station yesterday to update my MYKI - I don't know if you have these cashless fare things in Queensland but here I need one to catch the bus and it expired - so - darn - it was a lovely afternoon for a walk but the footpath was hot and my feet hurt - and I forgot the cards for my free rail tickets -

Last night I tidied my lounge - it gets so messy in here - I do all my paper work and use my computer and the dust accumulates - it only takes a few days and the dust makes it look like an archelogical site - which is why I tidy up and wipe all the surfaces with a wet cloth - it was brilliant to walk out here this morning an see it so tidy

Lakes Entrance - I can walk across the footbridge to the ocean beach and this will be so good - I love autumn best and hope the weather is good next week - but I love the ocean in any weather

And my gd is coming in to check on my cat. She would probably be right for the short time I am gone but she is getting old so I am happier if someone checks on her - she's getting older - aren't we all

Coffee - I need coffee

Dec

Hi @Appleblossom

Thanks for being so understanding about the Melbourne Juvenile Justice Centre and me and my son -

It's tough

However now I can read and watch from afar and make a phone call if I feel concern

How few years I have left that I can be sure I will be able to manage my own life with my spine getting worse - let's not look for trouble - I have seen enough during my life time and need not find more

But watch from a far - be a Watcher - a much better way to manage my past and it's shadows

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

I am okay - busy organising myself into a trip - getting stuff ready and this and that

I had brunch with dd and gd yesterday - I had french toast with bacon and maple syrup - which sorta filled me up for the whole day - I had to lie down with the heat pack for a while - and had shopping to do and went to sleep at the most inconvenient time - missed the website because of all this and finding Tetris - how fast time can fly playing Tetris

DD had the thing about being the only child etc when she was young - didn't realise I had let go when I knew nothing can hold how kids and when she pushed away she flipped out for a while but did do anything serious - met a guy with several children and married him - and I refused stop this because my father said so - it's her life dad and she is of legal age - and that car she is driving is road-worthy - I made sure of that.

All this was over 25 years ago - and she and I have had a few spats but mostly I leave her to herself - some of her interests are not mine and she is not an academic person but highly quallified

I think they don't like to be special - they don't want to be the only one - I understand that -

So things work out between us - but then - I look back and know that working two jobs and going to university meant I didn't have a lot of spare time myself in the past - now I always feel busy even if I am alone a lot

I think if you son has space - as I gave dd space when she was in her teens - he will grow closer - I think dd had a lot of resentments she was entitled to - and I think your son has those same resentments - about losing his only sibling - he will get it in the future - it wasn't your fault that J died -

Teenagers have to blame someone - as tough as that is - they have to be resentful and angry at someone and their mother is the easiest target

Give him time - in the meantime it is hard for you

Lots of penguin hugs back

Dec

About your pain @Former-Member

There are ways of managing it - not always successful - I am taking a lot less medication than I was and have pain a lot - okay today - yesterday was achey most of the day

One hint is to have a break and lie flat before the pain starts - this is tough when you are at work so take your tablets at work if they don't make you drowsy - and get good shoes with plenty of support. Heals are a no-no - put too much strain on your spine

I think you said if you mention the pain to your doc he tells you to lose weight - which is not at all helpful - but how can you exercise when your back aches all the time or you get migraine? - you can't.

So the idea is to walk early or late before the day gets hot - and not the days you are at work - the whole thing is a delicate balancing act -

Think about it - are you ready to see a pain specialist - they vary a lot - I guess you can't afford a private specialist - or to pick and choose - so that can be delicate - maybe get on the list to see a spinal OS at a public hospital - you will have to wait for a long time and I know you are out in the bush in a small town

A spinal OS does not mean surgery - and I certain don't think surgery is at all a good idea - but s/he might refer you to a suitable pain specialist at a public hospital - but it's a case of hurry up and wait

You know - there are advantages of living out in the country - the suburban wilderness can be pretty snippy too - huge as well and full of snippy people - just like a country town - but it is easier to be private. But walkling in the country side is not going to happen to me here - I wish I could drive but my spine stops that from being an option -

There is always good and bad in everything

Dec

Thanks @Decadian, had a tear to hear / see the words "its not your fault" Can't seem to hear that one enough. Don't think S1 thinks its my fault, but he has said "maybe she'd be alive if he was here" (protective), and of cause he's frightened now with his own asthma. He's so angry, only last night he blasted me in a tx for sending him DVDs he thinks he asked me not to send. I always seem to get it wrong and it hurts me every time. He worries me.

It must of been so hard for you, watching your son slowly destroy his life, and to get that horrible call. And the hundreds of questions you must have... and fighting the system... You know, as hard as it was watching my girl take her last breath - at least I know what happened. Its hard to talk about.

We have a terrible burden to carry.

Thanks for the pain management tips. I've saved it to bring up with Dr but the general attitude is to 'suffer in silence' - punishment for gettinh chubby. They're all too quick not to help till you lose weight (which I feel is a form of abuse because skinny people with the same problem do get help) - yep, fat lot of good that is.

I was only at the Dr yesterday and mentioned this recent pain that's different, more specific lower back pain (not the general spasming), and it gets worse with rest (thats unusual for me). She pocked around, decided its not the bulging disks but Sacroiliitis - all part of 'degeneration' she said. Take headache pills, dont over do it and lose weight. Gee thanks. She doesn't like doing scans etc. I hope its a temporary flare-up because even today I have crampy aches down to my knees. Just in bed all day listening to the birds. Watched all the movies on my computer over and over ( tv & dvd not working), so yep, pretty quiet here. Nice to have forums in the palm of my hand (smartphone) - the mind plays tricks when we're alone.

Getting oversensitive to a couple of things on the forums today (rant warning), hope you don't mind if i hide here and tell you stuff, don't read on if you feel down yourself.

(1) I was just told elsewhere someone has been avoiding me and she's even been told to avoid certain people by others (thats gossip), for self protection. I don't want to be one of those people everyone has to avoid... ...

(2) I had a post wrongly removed, then reinstated after I challenged it, but it upset me more than i care to admit, a real trigger for feeling bullied, ganged up on... fighting off paranoid thoughts now (they hate me, want me to leave...), do you ever get that? Certain people from when I first came here - who really gave me hell and then shunned me, still do, they've resurfaced and dance around ignoring me again on a certain thread which I'm avoiding now, pitty because it was otherwise a helpful thread. Its awful being ignored, invisible, left out. Really hurts, more when I'm already stressed. I try hard to focus on the other wonderful people here, and i have come a long way, maybe this pain wears us down - makes us particularly sensitive to everything.

(3) also, it gets my back up being told by others, in a round about way, even today, that ' how i feel is irrelevant because its 'just' blackdog talking. Hmm - only I'm allowed to say that - the hurting feelings are still real.

Anyway, hoping it will blow over before the morning re work.

I'm so motivated to do my little shifts at the shop, strange. Must take strong tabs this time though. At least I'm not driving unlicenced this week lol (forgot to renew my license last week).

Just have to let you know too that I'm not getting notified of all my tags - only just found your post here by accident cause I went looking for you. So, that was a nice surprise.

Thanks for listening, hope you are ok today? xox