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TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

Mimi95Casual Contributor26 Feb 2025, 6:58 pm AEDT

TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

(Dyslexic with no grammar training sorry !!)

TW: SI, Suicide attempts

Content/trigger warning

Super short version : The full cycle of ask for help , start to get help, help goes away and everything falls apart and repet.

Into my 20s I'd been basically working to afford cool stuff and anything that could make me happy even if only for a little while, I actively had no long life plans and mentally was only going to be here till I could work out not to hurt anyone by dying.

Then after a large attempt in 2018 I was released into care of my parents which was a huge error on the hospitals part but anyway, I had mandatory meetings and was just going to do what I needed to get everyone to leave me alone so I could go bush and die in peace.

During the wait I ended up meeting the woman who I would end up marrying a year later.

Iv been in long term relationships and still was set on not being alive, it was all to try and fill empty space. But this woman surprised me and made me feel justified and taught me how to fight till I started actually wanting to fight for better health.

Iv spent since mid primary school with depressive mental health and chronic health issues which made me very aware of what I felt where reasons to not bother trying to survive to the point of suicide attempts in my early teens and onwards. Super short version : The full cycle of ask for help , start to get help, help goes away and everything falls apart and repet. Into my 20s I'd been basically working to afford cool stuff and anything that could make me happy even if only for a little while, I actively had no long life plans and mentally was only going to be here till I could work out not to hurt anyone by dying. Then after a large attempt in 2018 I was released into care of my parents which was a huge error on the hospitals part but anyway, I had mandatory meetings and was just going to do what I needed to get everyone to leave me alone so I could go bush and die in peace. During the wait I ended up meeting the woman who I would end up marrying a year later. Iv been in long term relationships and still was set on not being alive, it was all to try and fill empty space. But this woman surprised me and made me feel justified and taught me how to fight till I started actually wanting to fight for better health.

It's been a long hard and painful journey learning g to be deeply happy with the sadness im still after 5 years together struggling to get my brain to click from not planning a future to actively working towards one. It's like I have no idea how to start or what to prioritise.

4 replies

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In response to: TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

tymeModerator26 Feb 2025, 7:20 pm AEDT

Re: TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

Wow @Mimi95 , what a powerful story. I can certainly relate.

I've mentioned here many times - I never thought I'd make it to by 26th birthday. And yet I'm still here.. surviving, thriving and kicking goals!

I'm so glad you have shared. As you go on, just the opportunity to be in awe that you are alive can keep you going.

(Just a note, I've added a trigger warning and spoiler to your post so members have agency as to whether they feel like they are able to read the content or not)

Congrats for being here 🙂

In response to: Re: TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 Feb 2025, 11:59 am AEDT

Re: TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

@Mimi95

Thank you for being open and honest and brave and sharing.

I can relate a lot.

Welcome to the forums.

There are deep and lighter social conversations. Hope you feel inspired to join in.

In response to: TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

AlisseSenior Contributor27 Feb 2025, 12:07 pm AEDT

Re: TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

Hi @Mimi95

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been struggling with your mental health for so long. That kind of exhaustion, just getting throught the day, can be so difficult, and I know many here will relate to that feeling.

But you're doing it. Even through the challenges, you've kept going, and that takes incredible strength. You've fought for your health and wellbeing and that's something to be proud of.

I wonder if looking back at how far you've come might offer even a small reminder of your resilience. Sometimes, seeing the progress we've made, however slow or difficult, can help us keep moving forward, one day at a time.

It's wonderful to hear that you have such a strong support from your wife and that you've learned to advocate for your health. That's powerful, and I can feel your determination. Having a supportive and understanding relationship makes such a difference, and I hope it continues to be a source of strength for you.

Take care of yourself. You are not alone in this.

Kindly Alisse

In response to: Re: TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

tymeModerator27 Feb 2025, 8:39 pm AEDT

Re: TW: The in-between of wanting to be gone and finally wanting to be here.

How are you @Mimi95 ??

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