I don't understand how "talking about it" is meant to help?

@Jlol

I can understand how talking about things would feel pointless, it certainly sounds like you would be too exhausted most, if not, all, of the time.

I used to get frustrated try to talk to people because I wanted solutions, solutions to issues that weren't easily fixed. In truth, not really fixable at all. So I stopped talking and just dealt with it all myself. But it just seemed to make it tougher.

I came to the conclusion that maybe talking about things isn't always about fixing things or even making things easier. I realised that it was more just hearing that acknowledgement from someone about how difficult my situation was was the thing that I ultimately found helpful. It was like having to push a heavy boulder up a hill and no one was allowed to help me... it was helpful just to have someone next to me to talk to just to take my mind off the damn boulder for a minute or two.

Thanks @MJG017

I think maybe I'm different to a lot of people that way then. I can't bear to think that there isn't a solution to a problem that impacts my mental health so greatly.

If the problem is so immutable and nothing can be done, then that leads me down an existential path where s***ide becomes an appealing idea. Why live if I always feel so unwell and can't do a thing about it?

But, then, when you mention something like that the rhetoric is to always seek help, which I do. And the help is always 'talking about it'. It's like if you've got appendicitis and the doctor tells you just to talk about it instead of trying surgery.

I just don't get it, sorry.

I can understand your reticence @Jlol

Talking about things can seem to be not very helpful. However psychologists can give you strategies to improve the way you feel about your situation. They can help you change your perspective or framing of the problem.
It can make you feel less alone in your grinding through the mill of life. They can make suggestions like getting up 30 mins earlier and having a short walk, or doing so when you get home. Going for a walk in a work break during the day. They can help you with strategies to make the most of your time, use it efficiently etc

So talking can give you a different perspective

hey @Jlol

i think it depends what you mean by "talking about it" - i've found that sometimes the talking didn't help because there was a deeper problem i hadn't addressed yet - so basically i used talking about a new problem as a distraction from talking about the real problem. other times, talking has helped because my psych guided the conversation to ensure 1. i didn't ruminate, and 2. the unhealthy thoughts were challenged.

but there are times when the talking didn't help at all and a new approach was needed. for example, i had a rough night yesterday and i wasn't ready to talk - but i went to the gym and really focused on what i was doing there. half the anxiety i felt had been worked off.

there's other types of therapies besides just 'talking' too that can help. some people prefer art therapy, some meditation, EMDR, somatic therapy, etc.

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@Jlol wrote:

But, then, when you mention something like that the rhetoric is to always seek help, which I do. And the help is always 'talking about it'. It's like if you've got appendicitis and the doctor tells you just to talk about it instead of trying surgery.

I just don't get it, sorry.

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think of it this way - yes, surgery will help the appendicitis, but in some cases - antibiotics can be enough to cure it. some people use natural healers/naturopathy to heal it too. there's more than one way to deal with it and it depends on severity too.

mental health is the same, there's more than one way. and ofc we can't talk to the appendix and heal it, but similarly, our brains and the appendix don't play the same role in our body/functioning.

@Jlol I just wanted to say I empathise. As an autistic person who fixates on my problems and constantly researches to try and find solutions, I have found that some talk-based therapies haven't helped me. Currently it feels like my problems can only be fixed with money, employment and a cure for my chronic illness! Practical things that aren't possible right now. But, all that said, it does help me to feel validated when I speak to someone and they acknowledge something is challenging.

Also, sometimes I get stuck up in my own head and catastrophise terribly, so when presented the right way, a different perspective can shift me out of that a bit.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling like that about talking. And I hope you get some comfort out of sharing on here. I've beat myself up in the past mentally for certain therapies not working for me and it's helped me to learn that other people experience some similar challenges.

Please take care.

Thanks @Till23

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@Till23 wrote:

However psychologists can give you strategies to improve the way you feel about your situation. They can help you change your perspective or framing of the problem.

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That's the very thing I don't understand.

If I'm doing something I do not like that is causing me illness in the form of MH issues, then it feels wrong to adjust the way I feel about it.

Forgive hyperbole, but it feels a bit 1984, eg: "You don't like the environment you're in? You're sick. Talk to this expert and get 're-adjusted'".

There's just something I'm missing here.

Hi @Jlol - it can be quite subtle. All humans have biases and you are often unaware of them. There are lots of different biases as well. An easy one to explain is confirmation bias which is when you pay more attention to information or evidence that confirms what you believe than information that doesn’t.

Psychologists can make you aware of these and that may change your perspective slightly.

Psychologists can also challenge your perceptions. Just this week, I had a counselling session, where the therapist kept challenging why I thought something that I am convinced is true about me, is really true. I’ve thought this way about myself for decades. And now I’m at a kind of contemplative stage of change, that maybe what I thought was true all this time might not actually be true.

Have you had “talking” therapy before

@Jlol

Hi @Till23

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@Till23 wrote:

Psychologists can also challenge your perceptions.

This I really struggle with too. Like, why is my perception less valid then theirs? Who's to say who's perception is more correct?

I think I stopped putting so much weight on what they were saying when it just felt like they sided and agreed with me with everything I mentioned.

It all felt so fake. Like, I would say "I feel absolutely terrible about this thing that I did" and they would reply with something like "But you just acted in the best way you thought at the time". It's like everything can be justified in one way or another, so you never have to feel bad about it. I felt like they were just telling me what I wanted to hear. I found myself sometimes just wishing they would say something like "yeah, you were an a##hole then" at least once.

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@Till23 wrote:

Have you had “talking” therapy before

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Yep I have. I've lost count of the amount of counsellors/therapists/psychologists I've seen but it would be in the mid 20s by now (over as many years). Most I've seen for at least 6 sessions, some even for a couple of years.

I think another problem I have is I don't think I have depression. I just honestly hate life. I get up and go to work everyday, I pay my bills on time, I exercise, I eat well, I keep my home clean. But I hate it all - I'd rather be doing so much more different other things (but I can't because of work and societal standards). Living is just not for me, I think.

@Jlol It’s not a matter of which perspective is more valid. It’s that other perspectives exist, sometimes you can be so close to something it’s difficult to see other perspectives. This is especially true if you have held beliefs about yourself or something for a long time.

It sounds like you’ve had more supportive therapy than something like CBT where your thoughts are challenged.

Have you been diagnosed with depression?
Lots of people do not like the grind of life that seems to consist of working at work and coming home to housework, that is definitely not an uncommon experience. Have you tried to make space in your week for yourself, a time to do a hobby or sport that you enjoy? Sometimes doing something organised can help you to do the thing each week, because there’s a set time to go.
What do you do in holidays from work? Sometimes planning a trip or activity gives you something to look forward to.