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Depressed

Amy101Casual Contributor22 Feb 2025, 2:42 am AEDT

Depressed

I feel I never fit in anywhere, I have a hobby joined a singing group, but in the few years I've been to there I only made one, what I thought was a genuine friendship, however recently that person has stopped speaking to me, this person constantly talks bout others behind their backs and I wonder now what they must have been saying bout me all this time, as each time I have heard them say something about someone I don't react by I try changing the subject, because I don't like hearing gossip bout others.

The person won't speak to me because I won't send them footage of me singing that was videoed at a night out, I only had it recorded so I could show my vocal coach to critique I tried to explain that I hadn't even shown the recording to any other friends or relatives, I didn't even watch it myself I just took it to my next lesson then deleted it.

I have had depression for years and have been doing well for almost over a decade now, with no hospital stints, havn't is even self harmed, very long time, but now I'm feeling quite low.

I don't want to die but when I heard a sad song yesterday, I did catch myself fantasizing about my own funeral and how at peace I'd be if I weren't here.

I'm trying to remain strong. I do have support but I still feel very alone within myself.

I don't think anyone understands depression or anxiety until they have been through it,

I seem to find it difficult to make new friends, but don't understand why, I have a long term friends some friends I have go way back to the 80's when in primary school, but can't seem to make new friends, I'm very kind and thoughtful even the person I mentioned that seems to have ghosted me, I made sure they had people to spend the festive seaso with people, even put on a surprise party for them when it was their birthday , because if I'm someone's friend I'll go all out to help I'm just that kinda person.

I did try saying to that person I hadn't do anything wrong but they made a remark to the effect of wait till the dust settles??. but I hadn't done anything wrong for the dust to settle?? I don't have understand.??

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In response to: Depressed

MJG017Senior Contributor24 Feb 2025, 12:19 am AEDT

Re: Depressed

@Amy101

It took me along time to realize that I wasn't the problem with so called friends like that, and that I should feel bad about myself because of it. Far too long. But it's very freeing once you do start thinking like that. Not just because you can start to not let it feed into those self doubts as much as it did before, but it opens you up to looking for people who do appreciate you and who do value your friendship and what it brings into their life. And in turn, they will bring the same into yours. It allows you to start to trust people, to open up to them because the relationship feels far more balanced and not one-sided anymore. It can make a massive difference in how we see ourselves.

I have no doubt this person has been through a lot in their life to act this way. But some people just don't seem to have that self-awareness and will always see the fault with others. It goes back to what I said about the person questioning if they were at fault, probably wasn't at fault.

A big part for me was last year finding out about insecure attachment styles. Which seemed to explain a lot about me and how I struggles to make real connections with anyone. Once I understood more about why I did certain things and felt certain ways, it because easier to try and change them. It's still a struggle, but understanding those trauma responses for things I didn't even think of as trauma helped me a lot to start to change these parts of myself. I'm not saying this is an issue for you, but it's very common, especially with people who struggle to make friends.

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