Back again

It's been a while since I've visited or posted in the forums. The clouds were starting to part to make way way for clearer skies as my work situation started to resolve and the medication side effects settled. I returned to a job I'd been away from for 18 months while on secondment.- it's a return I'd been working towards and looking forward to.

Slowly though over the past couple of weeks, thoughts of suicide have been creeping a little back in, little by little. A lot of it has to do with interpersonal relations and a bunch of feels (mainly victimisation etc) surfacing again. It's an area of working I really struggle with. I understand it all in theory but it becomes challenging in practice when I',m dealing with other people's nervous systems.

Anyway, iit all came to bubble up a lot yesterday, triggered by a work conversation. And it threw me. After work I started drinking and then called a crisis line because I was not feeling well. They called the poilice who came to take me to the hospital where I spent the night. I've spent today just gently recovering and seeing my therapist for our usual appointment.

The thing is I get into these situations where life seems so difficult and there is now way out, so I guess I start fantasisign about an escape. These challenges are really annoying and impediments in different parts of my life that risk being self sabotaging.

Anyway, I messaged my brothers about what happened and they were incredibly supportive. One of the great things to come out of the past several months is getting closer to family and my brothers - we didb't have a super close relationship growing up because I am considerably younger.

For the fist tine in several months, I've got that scared feeling again. So just have to sit with that and remember that sometimes we fall down again. Doesn't feel like a good place to be.