This is my story

Trigger warning

This is my story (well a shortened version)

Here i am, born into a world where I have family, love and kindness, right? Wrong, born into a world where I am met with hatred, alone and scared, nothing but a mistake to the one person that i have, my mother. All I have is her and my poppa, but he is taken from me by cancer when I was only 3, i have no memory of him but I'm told that i was his world. The rest of my family is gone before I was even born.

So i made it to school age, maybe things will change and I'll get to have friends, have some sort of connection with anyone. Wrong again, sent to a Christian school where it was frowned upon coming from a single parent. So here I am being bullied by children, so I speak up only to be met with ridicule from the teachers aswell. And so the self harming started, I was only 8 years old, but noone noticed, noone cared, she's just clumsy it's nothing.

The years go by with no friendships, no connections and so in year 6 begins my first abusive encounter 2 years of hell whilst I was at school with teachers and my own mother refusing to believe what was happening. So started the skipping class cos what's the point of going when teachers put you down in front of everyone, I'm physically unable to process and retain information taught to me.

More years go by I'm now in year 10, i found some friends and things seem better, maybe things are finally settling. I met someone online that's willing to offer me the world and care for me the way I deserve, all the promises, it's amazing things are finally going to be OK, right? Wrong, I quit school half way through year 11. Then it's 4 years of abuse and torture, things you can't even begin to imagine going through, that's what I've been through, absolute hell on earth. Forced to give up all my friends cos he told me they were bad for me and that he wanted me all to himself.

I finally break free but now I'm alone with no friends once again, so I end up in yet another relationship but this will be different, he's not like the other guy, right? Wrong again more abuse another 2 years of hell. The next guy comes along, what have I got to lose, surely it can't happen 3 times in a row, right? Wrong, another 2 years go by and it's all the same, are all guys like this, is this just normal, is this all I deserve?

Finally my knight in shining armour arrived, right when I needed him the most. It's been 5 years in and things are great, I'm cared for and loved, I'm happy finally. Wait, why are you being like this, what changed, what did I do wrong? It's all happening again, another almost 5 years of hell of being abused and manipulated. I finally realise I need out and that I need to do it alone so I work up the courage to kick him out.

Finally I'm free, I'm myself, I can try and heal from everything I've been through. I tried so hard to fix myself, I tried to get professional help so I wasn't doing the journey alone but I'm told that I'm a lost cause. So I made several failed attempts to take my life, but I'm still here, for what I'm still unsure but there has to be a reason.

Just when I think that maybe things are going to be ok things start going bad and I'm abused on a very regular basis despite not being in a relationship with anyone. It's still a work in progress, trying to find a way out, fighting for a life without abuse.

I'm not perfect, I've been through hell and I'm still mostly there. But I'm here, I'm breathing and my heart is beating and until that stops I'm going to try to keep fighting for a life that I deserve. I don't know what the future holds, but I have this moment, I have today and I live each moment and each day as it comes.