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Responding to catastrophising and projection when you also have cptsd

GalaxyOwlSenior Contributor03 Feb 2025, 4:14 pm AEDT

Responding to catastrophising and projection when you also have cptsd

Hi all.

So, Ive been going through it with my long distance partner.

They were doing better yesterday and the day before, but they're back down in the Everything Is Bad and Awful place, and im having to be really careful with what I say, and how I say it.

I have unintentionally been making it worse previously by reacting defensively to projection. I didn't realise that's what I've actually been doing until today, when they had a rather intense bout of projection and I realised my initial instinct to respond with "what are you talking about, I never did any of that" was a response to projection, not to a real thing I had done.

Previously, there were times where, I didnt respond great to things and made it about me and my guilt. I've owned that. I've accepted I have baggage around guilt, and I've committed to working on it.

I don't expect them to be able to admit what they're doing is projection right now, but i just need some advice on how to ride this out because it's really hard to not take any of this personally, or to avoid fawning.

They keep going up and down with what they're blaming me for. We'll make progress and acknowledge that neither of us blame each other for our emotional reactions, then it's back to actually it is my fault they're doing so badly.

I did this and I have to accept what I did.

But I have.

I have accepted it. I have apologised. and it's no enough.

I dont know what to do. I know it won't be ok until they're out of this but they insist they never will be. I don't know what to do.

I love them and want them to be ok and don't want them to be like this forever because of a mistake I made.

2 replies

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In response to: Responding to catastrophising and projection when you also have cptsd

Ru-beeModerator03 Feb 2025, 4:42 pm AEDT

Re: Responding to catastrophising and projection when you also have cptsd

It sounds as though your defensiveness was a pretty natural reaction that I'm sure most people would have @GalaxyOwl

It's not easy to recognise when someone is projecting, so it's an impressive feat that you've been able to take a step back and begin to understand this behaviour from your partner.

know that it can be so difficult when our partner is going through a hard time (and even harder when they are placing the blame on us), but I think that we can get into trouble when we make another person's emotions our responsibility. Of course we can be considerate and caring in the way we treat people, and we can apologise when we feel that we have hurt them, but aside from that it's all outside of our control.

I know that its so uncomfortable to do, but do you think that you might be able to try to ride out this discomfort knowing that you've done what you can given the situation, and that the rest is up to them?

In response to: Responding to catastrophising and projection when you also have cptsd

JynxModerator03 Feb 2025, 5:14 pm AEDT

Re: Responding to catastrophising and projection when you also have cptsd

@GalaxyOwl oh wow hun, that sounds incredibly stressful. I am getting this intense sense of confusion - like neither of you can quite figure out exactly what's going wrong/how to actually hash it out together in a way that feels like it can honour both of your emotional experiences and perspectives.

I think we're also raised in such a way that makes it feel like every conflict has to have a 'winner' and a 'loser' or like that there always must be blame or fault that someone needs to take. I think it makes conflict management in relationships sooooo much harder than what it could be. Cos I think it kinda sets us up to end up completely overwhelmed with shame, and then sometimes the brain's way of coping with that is to project it via blaming the other person instead.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, it sounds like you are both really trying to find the ways to bridge that gap in communication whilst also trying to muddle through some Very Big Feelings - and we know those have a tendency to shut down all logic and reason 😅 Do you two take time outs and stuff when emotions start to get heightened? It does help a lot in my experience.

Also could be worth looking in to what these guys have to offer 😊

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