Artistic/Bipolar crisis

Hi @DK0 and welcome to the forum.

As it happens, I am a 54 year old media artist living with bipolar. I recognise some of the worries and mood swings you describe from my past and sometimes present experience.

A month depressed in bed battling overwhelming negative feelings is awful. I feel for you. I don't know if I can give really great advice. Perhaps the best I can say is that I now see my creative life as a lifeline through the struggles with bipolar, even though the creative life has also been very painful at times.

This is just my experience, but I have attempted more regular 'careers' in my life and broken down from them repeatedly, even jobs where I was working part-time or casual. I now live on a pension and this is sufficient for my basic needs. I practise my creativity all the time and love to do it, now that I am no longer pursuing a career in the arts 'industry'. When I was trying to have that kind of 'career', I found myself, like you, not enjoying what I was doing, in fact dreading it quite often. Again, this is just my experience.

On a more basic level, it sounds like spending so much time in bed worrying is hurting you. Are you able to engage at all with anything outside the home (aside from your shows)? Are you seeing any doctors and/or counsellors about your bipolar?

To end on an upnote, congratulations on making a name for yourself as an artist. It's not easy to do that, I know.

Wishing you well.

Hi @DK0,

I'm an artist too. The good thing about art is that if we do walk away from it, then we can always come back to it, at any time.

When I was battling severe depression, my art was the last thing on my mind. I could barely get through the day, let alone think about creating something new. Once the depression lifted, my creativity was still there, waiting for me. Nothing had really changed- I was able to make art easily, just as I had always done.

I am wondering if it is not just that you are badly depressed at present, rather than actually losing your drive to make art in earnest? Having a show is a lot of work and it is stressful.... it is even very stressful for those artists who do not have a mental illness!

You may like to take a break for a year and just make some personal art, in your own time, for your eyes only. That might take the pressure off... and it could even lead you in a new creative direction. I think that sometimes, when we are making art for a show, then we start to focus too much on what the public might expect to see, rather than what we really want to create. Then it becomes too much like work.... we are just churning out another product.

I know that for myself, personally, whenever I start to really worry about what the audience will think of me... then it spoils the experience. Art is so personal- it has to come from within us.

You are still so young and have everything to look forward too. It's great that you have your Dad to live with... make the most of his generosity in looking out for you.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist/doctor or therapist? Do you think you need a review?

Hi @DK0,

I received in email notifications, and read, a message from you in reply to me and @Sahara. But it appears the post has been removed from the actual forum pages by moderators. This is most likely due to the mention of medication names. I hope this has not put you off posting. Most of us on the forum have been moderated at times, for various reasons. The last time it happened to me was just a few weeks ago. I hope you will stick around regardless.

It's good to hear you have regular meetups with your psychiatrist and that your medication is being adjusted in an attempt to help your current moods. Your description of getting only the basics done during the day is so familiar to me. I'm still like this to a fair extent but without the degree of deep, worry-ridden feelings I once had about it. Instead I try to focus more on the positive aspects of my life, rather than the negative. My thoughts still tend to the depressive but less so than they used to.

I've also had feelings of being 'burnt out' as an artist. It's possible you may benefit from a good break from it for a time. But, as @Sahara suggested, it's also possible that your current depression is heavily affecting the way you look at your artistic work. It sounds like you may be whipping yourself into a deep panic by ruminating on the work issues so much (again, familiar to my experience as well). I think there are real issues to be addressed there but trying to work through them when in a very negative state of mind seems unlikely to help. I don't see you as having a big whinge. I see you as a person struggling with major life issues while in a troubled state of mind. Someone who is reaching out and trying to improve their situation even though things seem dark at present.

Perhaps trying to find some things to appreciate in life aside from your artistic work may help. It has helped me to get a bit out of my head (and out of my own way) over my creative pursuits and take my time to do simple things, like taking in the sights and sounds of the world by getting out into it more, going to the shops, for walks, meeting friends for coffee at my place or theirs or at a cafe. My psychiatrist often talks to me about the value of routine to people with bipolar. I am a free spirit by temperament and tend to buck against routine but moving towards some routines has helped me.

The trip to the island country sounds like a fantastic idea, how wonderful that there is that option for you. Even if you come back to the same problems, it sounds like you are likely to be in a stronger and better frame of mind to address what needs to be done on return.

Hi @Mazarita. Yes, the last post was removed because i mentioned names of medications. This doesnt bother me too much, I just havnt had much energy to write over the last couple of days. I have been doing alot of sleeping. I know that it is bad, but i just dont feel like i have any thing else to do.

I am starting to feel the antidepressants working. There is a lesser feeling of dread about all aspects of my life. But i am still feeling alot of hopelessness. I lay in bed indulging in suicidal scenarios. It just seems so much easier than the hard life ahead of me. People tend to say "This too shall pass" but i feel that it doesnt apply for Bipolar.

On the art front, perhaps I do need (another) break. I will have a word with my dealer (who already knows about my condition) and tell him to postpone any shows til next year. Whether he accepts that or not is unknown. I feel sometimes that I should pull out altogether though - to survive as an artist you have to be producing constantly, and love doing it - and i am doing neither.

You mentioned doing things that I appreciate in life - i really find it hard to identify anything at the moment. I really wish i could take a snapshot of my life for you to get an idea of what its like. There is no joy. Except that I have a boyfriend. He is very understanding. But I feel very guilty sometimes. I find myself questioning if i should break it off for his sake - he seems to think i will get better, but I know that it wont.

I have an appointment with my phychologist this afternoon. So Im trying to make myself stay out of bed and find things to do around the house.

Thankyou @Sahara for you earlier post, i replied earlier but the post was removed. Thanks to both of you for your generous responses.

DK

Hello @DK0,

I just read through your thread and really feel for you, it sounds like there are a few things that you are considering but very big decisions, possibly to big to make when you are feeling this way, it sounds overwhelming. Maybe just as you said, it's about taking a break from your art so you are able to step away and clear your head. It seems like a very stressful thing being constantly pressured for work when it's art, something that can't be forced.

Are there other things that help to make you feel good that you enjoy, not things that are practical or make you money, simple pleasures or other art forms that you want to do more of?

This could even be nice enjoyable things to do with your boyfriend? A picnic at the park or a walk daily? Just take things day by day and add in more nice simple things. And the guilt that you are facing, where is that coming from? You could discuss this in your session this afternoon,

Take care

Lunar

Hi @DK0,

Glad you are continuing to post. I understand about sleeping too much and not having energy for things. During one of my phases I slept for about 20 hours a day for many months (I can't remember how many, it was pretty much a lost time). I don't think these behaviours are bad or good. They are just what happens sometimes with this condition.

Bipolar seems to be a lifelong issue that needs to be 'come to terms with' as a chronic illness. I'm still working on that. But at least with bipolar, what goes down usually does come back up again. In that sense, 'this too shall pass' is fairly apt for our condition. Personally I'm very glad I didn't follow through on my suicidal fantasies earlier in life. Despite the ways bipolar continues to affect my life, I still like being here.

It's great that you are starting to feel the antidepressants working. As @Former-Member has also said, I think your idea about pulling out of your arts career altogether may be too big a decision to make while in a very down state. Probably better to wait until your mind is less bogged down with so many negative thoughts in general. A decision like that seems to call for clearer thinking.

I also understand the struggle to find appreciation for simple things when in a depressed state. I've found a big contrast between the world of my creativity and the everyday world. I seem to do much better in the 'uplifted' world of the arts than in everyday life. But it's been worth the effort for me to engage with things as much as possible in simple, everyday ways too. It helps me with feelings of balance.

Your questioning whether you should break off with a loving, understanding boyfriend seems another idea raised mostly by your depression at present, and another decision too big to be made when you are in such trouble.

Good on you for having a go at staying out of bed and doing stuff today and hope the psychologist appointment goes well.