Wondering why I'm fighting

Hi everyone.

Just needing to have a bit of a pity party and a rant/vent.

Very basic history:

Diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Chronic Anxiety, CPTSD and Panic disorder 25 years ago. Been hospitalised 4 times for my own safety. Always bounced back to a manageable state with in 4-6 months. Obviously I had rough times between hospitalisations but for the most part, I have been able to drive, work, etc.

In 25 years , I have been offered medication ( which i take daily still ) and 6 weeks of psychology for CBT. After hospital, I am usually just given a med increase and sent home.

About 16 months ago, I started to crash which lead to a 6 day hospital stay last January.

After that stay, I was sent home ( I live in share housing with strangers and have no friends or support people) with the usual med increase and the offer of a service called Hospital to Home. I was very relieved at the idea of a support service and the lady who came to see me was a lovely person. However, the service they offer is about getting you back out into the community ( I've become agraphobic over the last 2 years ). Fantastic service but when I couldn't eat, shower, drive, function, it was of no use to me. I couldn't even function let alone get out for sports etc.

A month after discharge, my GP decided that it was due to Menopause so put me on HRT. After 4 months with no improvement, he decided that it's all of my CPTSD screaming to be dealt with so he suggested talk therapy with the psychologist I talk to fortnightly.

He may be right, however the psych and I are still working on daily issues such as being able to get out for groceries etc.

Here is my conundrum. I need to be more stable to be able to tackle what is making me unstable.

I have been as proactive as I can manage. I order books, I do BlueKnot seminars, I do my breathing and grounding constantly. I try to use positive affirmations. I do the exercises on moodgym. I journal. I chat on here when I am able. I am learning about my windows of tolerance. I call help lines.

I am getting no where fast. Currently in the grip of a panic attack. At this point, I'm not even surviving let alone living. I don't know from one day to the next if I'm going to be able to eat, cook, drive..... function.

I am starting to wonder why am I battling. I get no where, spend the majority of my life in my room and am starting to feel worn out with the daily battle.

I am on a wait list for DBT from the Acute care team. Not sure how long the wait will be because I have to wait for an online course as I struggle so much to leave the house.

Anyway, I just needed to upload. I am so extremely grateful to everyone in the forums for how they support each other. This is the only support system I have and it means a lot to me. Thanks for listening to me yet again.