Distorted relationships

I honestly don't know where to start, but I guess the first place would be with my childhood. My father worked away every week that I can remember up until I was 7 years of age, so I lacked that male bond and support in my early years. When he was actually home during this time, I can remember trying to get him to stay home. He would leave for work each Monday morning before I woke and would return Friday evening after I was in bed.

Saturday was the usual sports day so that meant going to the football with my parents in the winter. Dad would spend time with his teammates and so forth and I would miss out again. In Summer dad would play cricket and my mother tennis, so it was off to tennis for me. When dad was here all the time, I would go to cricket with him instead and my mum stopped playing tennis to look after my sisters who were still young.

I grew in a rural area and the people that I lived around were always nice and friendly. I remember having a big party for my 10th birthday and having pretty much all the boys from my class there. No girls because that was something my parents felt would be bad. We played backyard cricket and had a lot of fun, and that was the last real party I had until I was 18. My circle of friends shrunk greatly and by the end of my primary school years I only had a couple of friends in the school, everyone else was just an acquaintance.

I started my secondary education and found myself to be a little bit of an outcast. I bonded with a couple people that were friends to start with but over time we drifted apart as our ideals changed. In the middle of my secondary education, I had a small group of friends that have been there all along now.

There was a strange dynamic in the group, but it was always friendly and a couple of times I did have the odd crush on one of the girls. But nothing happened because they all had boyfriends and when they didn't, they only saw me as a friend any way. I only had a couple of girlfriends in those years, and one was a flash in the pan summer holiday event. When the holidays ended, she returned home to her family and friends and forgot all about me. The second one was the strongest and over time it did fall apart for the same reasons, distance as I lived about an hour from her place and the only times we met where in school or at sport. Without those links we drifted apart and went our separate ways.

I had a relationship just prior to joining the Army, it broke down and I left to join the Defence Department as I wanted to make a new start for myself after being in a rut for some time. I was moved around a lot early and finally settled in SE Queensland for what would be an extended period. I was there about 6 months when I met a lovely young lady and we developed a relationship. We had been together about 12 months when we moved in together. This arrangement went on for another 12 months and it was around this time that I had to do a few training courses and exercises as well as a detachment interstate.

The training and exercises had me away for 2 months and on getting back I was home a matter of days before the interstate detachment. I was gone a month on that, working higher duties than I would normally have. It was while I was away that I lost contact with her because the "telephone was disconnected" and there was no other way to get in touch apart from 'snail mail'.

When I got home from the detachment, I was shocked to find an almost empty house and a pile of mail by the door. It seems that a couple days after I left on detachment she decided to leave and sever all ties with me. She changed her phone, and this was when social media was in its infancy so there was no other contact apart from her phone.

This was very painful and hurt me greatly, so much so I suffered depression and as a result was sent to see one of the Army's psychiatry team. Due to the fact I had depression this meant that I could no longer do anything with weapons so that meant a lot of training and advancement courses closed to me during that time. My friends tried setting me up with the occasional girl, but I wasn't interested because I wasn't wanting to experience that pain again.

It took several years before I was comfortable again, as it turns out at this time, I was leaving the Army and returned home to a job that was promising. Unfortunately, I wasn't expecting the clashes between myself and my employer who was stuck in their ways and couldn't appreciate my rigidity that came from being in the military. Eventually I felt it was best to leave because the environment wasn't doing me any good.

I eventually found a job that was enjoyable even though the employer was rather strange and different. The fact I was military trained help me cope with the monotony and boredom that others experienced in a workplace that had no music and the incessant banging of equipment. At this time, I met a young lady, and we developed a relationship that lasted for a few months before she felt that we were heading in different directions. She broke up with me and I was actually really lost this time because I had probably become too invested in the relationship.

It was uncomfortable and I was a little obsessive in hindsight, I have only bumped into her about 5 times since then and she is always quiet and avoidant. I guess my understanding of the situation was completely off and as a result I lost her as not only a partner but as an acquaintance and friend. A couple of years after this relationship I had a short tenure with a single mother who had a young boy. Our relationship was good and ended amicably because we both felt that we had run our course and had nothing extra to provide each other.

My next relationship was with a divorced lady who I went to school with, she had 3 boys living with her and her oldest a daughter lived away in Melbourne with her partner. This relationship was to only last several months because at Christmas her ex-husband came back into the picture and our relationship ended. Ironically their relationship only lasted a couple of months before ending once more. She then was in a relationship with another guy for about 6 months before her ex-husband came back into the picture once more! They are now married, and I know that at the time my whole thinking was that I messed up somehow and that is why this failed but really it wasn't me but her!

Since then, I have had a couple of mental health breakdowns and each time I have aligned myself with a female friend and unfortunately the obsessive side of things has come out. Neither friend was romantically involved but for some reason my mind was fixated on the romanticism of them. They were both helpful and friendly and were helping me deal with some issues in my mental health. Unfortunately, this was very unhealthy and has caused me to lose one friend. The other I hurt greatly too however she is helping me work through this because she knows that the evil side isn't me.