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I'm struggling to accept that I have OCD. At first I was excited to get diagnosed, so that I'd have an explanation for what's going on, but now I'm scared about what my future looks like. I can't go back into denial, obviously. I'm just frightened of admitting how much of a problem this is for me. And I'm exhausted.
I've had intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are of urges to tap, breathe, blink, and walk to feel "balanced", or prevent something bad happening. I'm not the only person in my family with OCD. I was kinda okay with these thoughts, I'd learned to deal with them. They've been with me since early childhood.
But when I was a teenager, the scarier intrusive thoughts started. With time, trauma, and other mental illnesses, these thoughts have gotten more extreme and graphic.
My psychologist has said that I'm experiencing Harm OCD, as well as the symmetry thoughts. We're still exploring what's going on, so maybe other labels will apply too, eventually.
The idea that I can't make these thoughts stop is very hard for me to accept. I really just want these scary urges/images to quit derailing my daily life. I hope I'll eventually feel more content, but right now, I just... don't want to have OCD. I'm so tired. Last year I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa and fibromyalgia. I keep thinking, don't I have enough going on? When will it stop?
Even though I'm upset, I know that it's great to figure out a piece of the puzzle. Turns out, because I didn't know Harm OCD was a thing for most of my life, I was sometimes mistaking intrusive thoughts for actual suicidal ideation/intent... which I have also experienced, but it wasn't always that.
Honestly, I'd just love some kind words... And some empathy from people with OCD, if possible.
Thanks in advance. Again, hope you're all doing alright.
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