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BPD wife

CrushedreedContributor20 Jan 2025, 4:21 pm AEDT

BPD wife

Hello all,

I heavily suspect my wife has undiagnosed BPD. I don’t say this lightly.

It’s a yearly event of the relationship being at a juncture with zero similarities with recall of events.

My wife increasingly became controlling with my actions and speech. I attempted to be boundaried and decline taking full responsibility for her action.

She progressively bullied me out of the house for not saying what she wants me to say. This got to a point where I had to do what she said or the relationship ends. I consistently held my boundary. She ended the relationship yesterday.

today I just got a letter saying she loves me and respects my decision to end the relationship and she wished we would still be in a relationship.

mom completely thrown, this is the exact same process the last few years. She ends the relationship on an argument but only recalls me abandoning her and ending the relationship.

it’s a painful and vicious cycle. I want to stay present for the kids. From the last few times, she pretends all is good and resumes a happy family, refusing to talk about what happened.

I am not sure how I can break this cycle. the only option I can think of is to ask she consider she has emotional dysregulation symptoms and needs to seek help to resume a relationship or it’s over… and I consistently stick with my decision to end it. It’s a hard offer, as I feel I need to be ok with ending the relationship before making the offer, otherwise it could be an unfair and temporary pressure.

any thoughts on this. I will miss my children so much if I end it. That’s what makes it so difficult 😭😭😭😭

Happy to hear thoughts from @tyme aswell.

4 replies

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In response to: BPD wife

Ru-beeModerator20 Jan 2025, 4:51 pm AEDT

Re: BPD wife

Hi @Crushedreed

What a difficult position to be in, especially with children adding an extra layer of complexity.

Have you ever raised this topic of emotional dysregulation before with your wife? It sounds like it could be needed here, though it's not an easy conversation to have by any means.

In response to: Re: BPD wife

CrushedreedContributor20 Jan 2025, 8:54 pm AEDT

Re: BPD wife

Hi @Ru-bee

I have raised it, however it only leads to her pointing out how I have BPD. I’ve done the work via a psychiatrist and psychologist and counsellor, none of them feel I have it, even when I was convinced by my wife that I had it. Clearly I needed to work through my codependency that got me into this mess tho.

I might try and raise it again. Have you had experience having this conversation?

In response to: Re: BPD wife

Ru-beeModerator21 Jan 2025, 10:37 am AEDT

Re: BPD wife

It's interesting to hear how your wife deflects the questions to turn it back to you @Crushedreed I won't pretend it wouldn't be a hard thing to hear and I think a lot of people would react defensively as it sounds like she has, but it doesn't make for a very productive conversation does it?

I don't have any personal experience having a conversation like this with a partner, though I can appreciate how difficult it would be. I'm sure that you are not alone in having to broach this topic with a partner or loved one on here, and am sure many others can relate.

I wonder if you've considered talking to a service that specialises in relationships before? Relationships Australia could be a great resource to check out if you're interested, and you don't have to call with your partner. It might help to talk through your options with them

In response to: Re: BPD wife

tymeModerator22 Jan 2025, 4:24 pm AEDT

Re: BPD wife

Hey @Crushedreed ,

Thank you for your post and your tag.

From my experience, it wasn't so much about the 'label' the person had. Rather, the question that helped was "Is it working for you?" In other words, is the life you are currently living, working out, or does there need to be change?

By all means, there most likely needs change on both sides.

I read that your relationship has ended. Seeing there are children involved, has there been a something written up about access rights etc? I'm thinking that this needs to be done in solid writing as soon as you both feel able to as she may agree on a plan now, but when upset, she may retract from that. So that's my first concern.

Next, if she is not willing to see that she needs to make any changes (btw, good on you for sticking to your boundaries), what can you do at this time to help yourself? Do you feel adequately supported?

You deserve to be supported. It may feel hard now, but this step you've taken may be also a 'wake up' call for her.

Just a note, as a parent, you DO have rights to your children unless deemed otherwise by court. The Family Relationship Advice Line will be able to shed some light on this if you are interested: https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/talk-someone/advice-line

Please tag me and let me know how things go.

I'm thinking of you.

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