Organising a family meeting with a professional

Thanks so tough @Chanel23 . I can see she doesn't acknowledge there is anything more than grief - right? If so, it may be the grief you need to work with. I feel that an external person coming in may cause her to feel 'targeted'? (Unless she is asking for this meeting. Does she want it?)

You own mental health and wellbeing is most important. This is something you CAN work with, whereas if your mum is not willing, there is little you can do except to set boundaries to protect yourself.

Does she acknowledge she is experiencing grief? If so, encourage her to find external supports to work through this grief. There is no set timeline for grief. For some, it may go on for years.

All the best.

Thank you for your response @tyme.

Yes you are correct. Mum doesn’t acknowledge there is anything more than grief. I agree that she needs to see someone to deal with her grief but she is not open to this. It is possibly her generation as she seems to think therapy is only for “crazy people” (her words). She knows I go to therapy so this is obviously

hurtful. She also needs to discuss other things with a therapist as she constantly brings up things from the past (people abandoning her, people not looking after her, people holding her back etc.).

I am also concerned that an external person coming in may cause her to feel targeted which is why I want her to agree to this but I don’t even know how to raise this with her. Is there someone I can talk to for some guidance before I propose this?

Thank you again for your support. I know I need to set boundaries and I have been seeing a therapist to help me. I’m just really struggling to let some things go. I love my Mum and I hate seeing her like this but I don’t know how to help her. I feel like I have lost my Mum.

I hear you @Chanel23 . It is certainly difficult with some of the older generation who hold that idea of therapy is for 'crazy people'.

Sometimes, what I've found is that I ask the person, "Are you happy with how things are? If not, what does support look like for you?"

Also, using "I" statements can be helpful e.g. "I love you so much and I care. At the same time, it is so hard to see you the way you are. I want to help you".

This opens the door for her to talk to you rather than it being enforced.

For you, if things get very difficult, this is where you maintain your boundaries. This doesn't mean you don't love her, but you need to protect yourself. For example, in my own experience, when someone is firing away at me, I just walk away. But I let them know "What you are saying is hurting me. I'm going to walk away and when you are ready, you can reach out to me. Otherwise, I'll check-in with you tomorrow".

And that's it. What i've found is if either or both sides are heightened, the conversation becomes one emotional blowup.

I'd encourage you to continue practicing self care, and leave doors open for your mum to manage her 'grief'. If your mum sees it as grief, that's actually a good start, because grief is REAL. Let her know it is real, and that's why there are national services funded to support those experiencing grief. Feel free to have a look at : https://griefline.org.au/

You and I may know it's more than grief, but if that's what she acknowledges her issues to be, then run with it?

All the best @Chanel23 . It's a slow process. But I look forward to hearing how things go for you.

You are not alone.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me @tyme. I really appreciate your support and valuable advice.

Totally okay @Chanel23 . I look forward to hearing how things go for you.

How are you today anyway?

What are some things you enjoy doing that 'keep you going'?

Hi @tyme. Thanks for checking in. I am a little flat today because Mum has been sending me long upsetting messages basically blaming me and my siblings for everything. Anyway I set my boundaries and said we can talk in person when I am ready. Her messages are really passive aggressive and she turns everything we say around on us like we are the problem and she is fine.

We are meeting with her on Wednesday so hopefully we can get through to her.

What keeps me going - music, my husband and daughter, my best friend and my siblings. I couldn’t get through this without them!

I used to have someone message/call me 40 times a day! @Chanel23

I had to protect myself so I did not pick up any calls or even read the messages UNTIL I was in a good headspace. I didn't even wait to be in an OKAY headspace.

I waited until I was ready.

I'm glad to read you were able to set your boundaries and let her know you still speak to her in person when YOU are ready. It is hard the first few times, but after, she will hopefully click.

Another thing to share is that one thing I've learnt from being in the corporate world is NEVER respond when emotional (upset, angry, sad, very excited) as it can come back to bite. AND, where possible, don't have things written (as it can be taken out of context and used against you later). Once again, I'm glad you said you would speak to her f2f, and also make her wait until Wednesday.

Good on you.

Continue to practice self-care. Enjoy listening to music, enjoy your family, enjoy every blessing 🙂

All the best 🙂