Little t vs big T trauma

@Fredd50

The differences with different levels of diagnosis of the same disease and working a lot in that support environment this past year has really taught me a lot. When I first started it was just about sharing information and getting support as I was learning to deal with my new reality.

As things changed and it looked more and more like i was in the "unlucky" group, it started getting hard to support people who said they had just been diagnosed with very low grade type. Part of me wanted to say "go away with your low grade, highly curable problems and count yourself lucky". But I knew that was just me feeling sorry for myself and a bit angry at the world. Starting a group from the ground up gave me some focus and clarity. I could use my experience and knowledge to reassure guys with low grades that the position they were in had quite a positive outlook all things considered, which helped them a lot to know it wasn't all doom and gloom for them. In turn I got support and understanding from them which helped me to come to terms with my own situation. It's the only way support groups with diseases like this can work. You have to accept that some people will be a lot better off than others and that they are still having a very difficult time and need support, and likewise those people with lower grades understand that other people are much worse off and need that support. It's one thing our group had been very good at doing and is probably why it has been as successful as it has proved to be since our first meeting in June last year. We just ant to see the best for everyone regardless of how good or bad their situation in comparison. All that matters is that we are all fighting the same disease.

Learning about the attachment styles has helped me so much. It allowed me to see that so many things i've done and felt throughout my life, weren't weakness or failures, just emotional reactions to past trauma. In knowing that I could then work on knowing I had to accept these emotion reactions but then work on seeing them as just that and knowing that the way they made me feel wasn't reality. That people didn't see me the same negative way that i thought myself. It allowed me to start to find that confidence that I had never managed before. Of course I still struggle with it a lot, but it feels more like a fight now than just a complete surrender to it. I know have the ability to question those negative self thoughts that always felt like undeniable facts. It was such a simple thing but it felt huge and has helped me so much to finally start to work on so many mental issues i've dealt with all my life.

I've been reading through as they come in and I think my friend may have actually been right...

For me to say that something isn't trauma, without knowing the context or more about them, it in itself is invalidating and albeit, judgemental.

On the other hand, I think that in society there can be a diminishing of actual trauma, that the term can be used flippantly.

Take for example the word 'awesome', that something is awe inspiring, however do we always use it in that way? No. I think the same can be said for trauma, that it can have different definitions to different people.

I think society tries to understand trauma by applying it to what they believe is trauma without understanding the depth of impact that trauma really has and I think in understanding the impact, they can better understand trauma and it's survivors.

I walk into church and it's hard for me, others don't understand how hard it is for me, some might ask "why can't she just walk into church?" because of trauma. The rise of memories and feeling like I have to be emotionally guarded when I'm there for fear of getting hurt.

What I hear in each response is 'context'. I don't know peoples circumstances or upbringing, but I do know that everyone has a different emotional capacity, that someone can have a less than difficult life and have something small happen that presents as a trauma, who am I to say that it wasn't traumatic for them? Where for me it may come across as invalidating because I'm comparing to them and that's not really helpful for either of us.

I guess that when someone says that directly in something like a bible study, instead of rolling my eyes and thinking "that's not trauma" and letting the feelings of invalidation rise, a better response would be to ask them (nicely, in a gentle tone) "and how does that impact you" in an attempt to gain context.

This could also encourage an openness for me to share the impacts of what happened to me to share an understanding of the impacts of trauma...

@avant-gardeI think society (generalizing here) does tend to think of trauma as having to be some terrible horrific ordeal. So if someone finds something traumatizing, something that a lot of others don't see a big problem with, it's dismissed. I think being adopted is a pretty good example of this, it's certainly always felt that way to me, which is why i never talked about it until recently even though it's had such a long term highly detrimental affect on my life.

It's a good point that we do tend to overuse terms and that they do lose their effectiveness over time. The words trauma and awesome are two very good examples.

@MJG017

I have had so many people tell me that I'm so well adjusted, I come across as normal, that there's nothing wrong with me...

Others tell me, it can't be that bad, you're just making a mountain out of a mole hill...

Then others tell me I'm lying, that it didn't really happen, that it can't happen in western society...

Some don't see how actually retraumatising this whole Delilah mess has been the last 13 months... to just get over it...

@avant-garde I don’t think growing up in a low socioeconomic neighbourhood is a type of trauma. Or saying no to a child, or helping someone declutter and pack a bedroom. I don’t think any of those things are traumatic.

Being neglected, abused, threatened targeted by people, institutions, organisations. That can lead to trauma.

I know that I have trauma from my ex because of the flashbacks and nightmares I have.

I’m so sorry you received such retraumatising invalidation @MJG017

I think validation is such an important part of healing from trauma and there’s no set timeframe on recovery some things stay with us for a lifetime

your posts here have been helpful, hopeful and insightful

I think some people are very uncomfortable with difficult things and don’t realise just how harmful and invalidating they are being when they deny or minimise them

❤️‍🩹🙏🏽

Neglected, abused, threatened ….. words I couldn’t think of earlier, thanks @Glisten

stroke can cause lots of different types of damage to the persons brain. That’s what happened to my dad. when I was about 12yo the stroke slowly changed his behaviour from happy to violent.

teenager living in fear of their life to point having padlock of inside of bedroom door. 40+ years later, impact of the verbal abuse is I freeze when anyone says any level of harsh words to me. Nightmares, flashbacks, freeze or fight. The impact of big T.

Little t or big T, to me depends a lot of what the person has previously experienced. If person was raised that being told ‘no’ was accompanied with abuse, the act of saying ‘no’ to a child could trigger the person

@avant-garde I think if we deal with the effects of trauma (especially from childhood) for a long time, a lot of us become very, very good at hiding it. Partly because we don't trust people enough to open up with them, and partly because of shame or embarrassment. Even if something new comes along, that learned ability to make it appear nothing is wrong kicks in.

So people just don't see anything we're dealing with and if we do bring it up, then we're just dismissed. They see us suddenly bring something up that seems out of the blue, but for us it's been there for a long, long time. Possibly a lifetime.

@Glisten I think that's a better way to put it. Those types of things aren't actually traumatic in themselves, but can act to trigger reactions based on past traumas. And those trauma reactions are what should be focused on when trying to understand someone, not the trigger itself which may seem very benign form the outside.

Thanks @Fredd50, it's never easy but we kind of get used to after long enough.

Honestly, i think the effects of these traumas never really go away. We just learn to control the responses to it more and more. With things that trigger them, we'll always feel that slight discomfort (at best) but hopefully we can gain enough control to get them to that level eventually. Part of the healing in getting to that position is finding supportive people who understand enough to make us feel validated. Until that happens, we'll probably just go on blaming ourselves and improvement will fell a lot more difficult, if even possible.

I've been involved in quite a few support groups over the past 18 months. Mental health, physical health, adoption, and one thing that is common to all of them is the first thing new people say is the same thing i said (or thought) when I first joined them... "Finally! Someone understands what i'm going through!"