Ruining my life - is it my BiPolar/ADHD/Trauma?

HELP please! I’m in a deep low at the moment. Went back to work this week and blew up at my boss twice, to the point I should have been fired (and still could be). Suicidal thoughts, can’t manage my anger, everything little thing sets me off into crying or a rage. What the hell is going on?!

My deepest core belief is that I’m “not good enough”. Everything I do is never enough and I constantly over try to make things “perfect”. Sure, logically I know it’s not possible, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s my nature to go over and above. But then I get mad at everyone else and pick out that they also think I’m not good enough (probably because I can’t take in any good feedback if they tell me and then overemphasis on all the criticisms).

I have a diagnosis of bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and adhd among other things.

I am normally super diligent with my routine taking my medication, getting proper sleep, looking after myself in every way - but right now I’m am struggling so badly. Deeply depressed, suicidal thoughts and every tiny thing sets me off into a meltdown. My doctor has increased my meds to help calm me down, but it’s not a long term solution and doesn’t fix the situation I’m in.

Yesterday I had two massive fights with my boss that lead to me hyperventilating and having a panic attack, all while yelling at her that everything is her fault and I hate working there and hate the company etc. It was beyond unprofessional, but it’s done and I can’t take it back. In the moment everything I said was true, but it came out badly and shouldn’t have been said. I also cried so much (I can’t help it, I’m a crier!) that I couldn’t take a breathe and my boss kept telling me to calm down as I wasn’t being professional… as if I could control it!! I would if I could!!

I don’t think I can take back anything that happened this week or take back anything I said. I’m sure that she’s wishing she never hired me and trying to find a way to fire me (which she tried to do at my probation review a few months ago).

Im not getting what I need out of this job, but it’s clearly because of my own mental health issues that I’m in this situation. I’ll never get hired somewhere else, so I really really need to keep this job. But I’ll never be able to be happy or do well when I truly believe I’m not good enough and will keep working myself to the bone to prove to everyone that I am good at what I do, despite the constant comments and complaints about me.

I can’t tell anyone about my diagnosis or ongoing issues as they just judge me and don’t understand. I need to fix my brain somehow as it’s not like they can help or support me without it all coming down.

I’m screwed either way. So that’s why the thoughts of trying to disappear and stop the pain and just not exist so that everyone else will be happy comes in.

How do I fix all this when my life is such a mess?!