UnloveableContributor
Feel like I've reached that point
Since the end of October last year I have felt like I have been walking along the edge of a cliff. There have been constant knocks but I have clawed myself back up to that cliff edge. But today I had a knock that I don't know if I can recover from. I feel so alone.
At the end of October last year my girls, 6 and 3, came home after spending a week on holiday with my ex and his girlfriend. Before they left both my ex and his girlfriend agreed to keep their public displays of affection to hand holding only and as my girls sleep in the same bed as my ex that she doesn't sleep with them. They didn't honor that agreement. My ex and I had an argument the day they got back. That argument got physically violent. Over the next few days my girls disclosed things to me that, after seeking advise, caused me to refuse him any further in person contact, although I did still allow phone contact. After another month I started monitoring that phone contact as he had started making threats aimed at me to miss 6. The mediation process was started but I had been advised that nothing would happen until the new year.
4 days before Christmas I got 24 hours notice that I was to be in court for a hearing regarding custody of the girls. His claim was that due to my "mental instability" the girls were at risk of harm. My legal representative that day was a community lawyer who admitted that she was in way over her head. I felt I had no choice but to agree to letting him have over night visits with them again. I was also no longer allowed to monitor the nightly phone calls.
Over the Christmas/New Year break I spent all of my spare time, and a lot of other time going over all aspects of what had been an emotionally abusive relationship so that my lawyer could prepare my responding documents for the court. It was one of the most heart wrenching things to do. To have all of that pain put in writing, to have to share all of that pain with not only my lawyer, but my family as well. To know that he and his lawyer are picking over that pain to find ways to hurt me further.
Yesterday was the second court date. He agreed to most of the orders that I asked for. These were not what I wanted but I had already been told that without actual physical proof of abuse I would not be able to keep the girls away from him. But there were some things that I again felt I had no choice but to agree to. The one that I am most angry about is I had to agree to be compliant with all treatment regarding my mental health. This does not effect me in any way as I have always been compliant, it makes me angry because he knows that, because if my illness was physical I would not have been made to agree to anything like it. On top of that he is forcing me to sell my house with the proceeds to be held in trust until all proceedings are finalised. That could be more than 2 years. In the mean time the girls and myself will have to move into my parents spare room. I have been watching him live the high life while I am struggling to even buy food, yet he refuses to pay child support.
Today I went to see my doctor as I had been having pain in my mouth for a few weeks. He told me that the first thing to look at is that it's an infection that should resolve itself in a couple of weeks. But if it doesn't then I will need to have a biopsy. I have watched so many friends and family die of cancer that I can't get it out of my head.
I feel like I've fallen off that cliff and there is nowhere to go but into the abyss.
At the end of October last year my girls, 6 and 3, came home after spending a week on holiday with my ex and his girlfriend. Before they left both my ex and his girlfriend agreed to keep their public displays of affection to hand holding only and as my girls sleep in the same bed as my ex that she doesn't sleep with them. They didn't honor that agreement. My ex and I had an argument the day they got back. That argument got physically violent. Over the next few days my girls disclosed things to me that, after seeking advise, caused me to refuse him any further in person contact, although I did still allow phone contact. After another month I started monitoring that phone contact as he had started making threats aimed at me to miss 6. The mediation process was started but I had been advised that nothing would happen until the new year.
4 days before Christmas I got 24 hours notice that I was to be in court for a hearing regarding custody of the girls. His claim was that due to my "mental instability" the girls were at risk of harm. My legal representative that day was a community lawyer who admitted that she was in way over her head. I felt I had no choice but to agree to letting him have over night visits with them again. I was also no longer allowed to monitor the nightly phone calls.
Over the Christmas/New Year break I spent all of my spare time, and a lot of other time going over all aspects of what had been an emotionally abusive relationship so that my lawyer could prepare my responding documents for the court. It was one of the most heart wrenching things to do. To have all of that pain put in writing, to have to share all of that pain with not only my lawyer, but my family as well. To know that he and his lawyer are picking over that pain to find ways to hurt me further.
Yesterday was the second court date. He agreed to most of the orders that I asked for. These were not what I wanted but I had already been told that without actual physical proof of abuse I would not be able to keep the girls away from him. But there were some things that I again felt I had no choice but to agree to. The one that I am most angry about is I had to agree to be compliant with all treatment regarding my mental health. This does not effect me in any way as I have always been compliant, it makes me angry because he knows that, because if my illness was physical I would not have been made to agree to anything like it. On top of that he is forcing me to sell my house with the proceeds to be held in trust until all proceedings are finalised. That could be more than 2 years. In the mean time the girls and myself will have to move into my parents spare room. I have been watching him live the high life while I am struggling to even buy food, yet he refuses to pay child support.
Today I went to see my doctor as I had been having pain in my mouth for a few weeks. He told me that the first thing to look at is that it's an infection that should resolve itself in a couple of weeks. But if it doesn't then I will need to have a biopsy. I have watched so many friends and family die of cancer that I can't get it out of my head.
I feel like I've fallen off that cliff and there is nowhere to go but into the abyss.
