Am I a terrible Mother?

hey @Mary55 welcome to the SANE forums!

I am a moderator here but just wanted to say thanks for joining us and if you want to you can also post in Re: Welcome! Introduce yourselfi here 🙂

Anyway I hope that you find the support you need here, people eventually reply but you can also jump in on other discussions in Re: Welcome to the Friends, Family and Carers Forum! Introduce yourself here 🙂

Thanks for posting. And for what it's worth, I was very selfish at 19, and didn't realise all my mum did for me till I moved out and just eventually called her and said sorry. It could be this time of life. Keeping the door open but boundaries firm seems like a good way to go, and take care of yourself!!

best, Babyshark

Hi @Mary55

You certainly are not a terrible mother. I have a 19 year old too and would give her an ultimatum if she wasn't respecting me. I do think it might be a big wake up call for her. They don't realise how good they have it until it's gone.

It's also about putting you first and your mental health first.

Hi @Mary55,

Welcome to the Forum, and thank you for sharing with us.

I'm sorry that you were put in this situation and are feeling this way. I do agree with @babyshark — I was terrible at 19 (it can be a rough age) and didn't treat my mother with the respect she deserves, which I really regret. I also agree with @Snowie, that you are certainly not a terrible mother — you simply set a healthy boundary and that's a positive step towards protecting yourself in hope that she will learn and grow from this.

I hope that you can see the strength in what you did, because it takes a lot of courage to assert ourselves and prioritise our own wellbeing.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Thankyou so much Babyshark. Hopefully you're right and it's just a stage for her too🙂

Thanks Snowie, it's good to hear. Thankyou. I hope so too. It's so hard teaching them to value what they are being given and maybe this is how she'll learn it.

Thanks you're very kind. I think you might be right. It probably was the right thing to do. Praying she will learn and grow from this.

Hi @Mary55, welcome to the forum. Im not sure why your daughter is behaving like that and I'm not sure I'd call it normal. But I don't see it as you k#cked her out. You laid out a very reasonable boundary with her behaviour and she made her decision. Allowing her to continue behaving the way she was is not doing either of you any favours. Hopefully its just a spur of the moment decision made in anger and she will soon see that and you both can talk about it. There's nothing wrong with continuing to reach out to her, while still enforcing that boundary on how you will be treated.

Make a bit of a break from each other will prove to be beneficial for you both. Maybe she's just feeling a lot of pressure with uni and this new guy in her life... who knows. But try not to let it affect your self esteem.... as painful as it is right now it is a refection of your daughter (and maybe her state of mind at the moment) and not as you as a person or a mother.

I'm relatively new to this parenting thing, even this late in the game, but there are three things that I have learned. 1. Your kids will hurt you. 2. Your kids will leave you, both physically and emotionally. 3. They will think they know than you, in particular as to how they are living their life, even though you've actually got experience ... and all of this probably applies to you with your parents. Parenting is a tough gig. An often thankless endeavour. But you love them anyway, which is why they will break your heart.

hi @Mary55

I have a 23yr old son whom at 20 was very aggressive and abusive towards me and my other children. I also gave him the ultimatum if he didn't stop with his behaviors he would have to leave. He left; he never spoke to me for 11mths. I felt guilty, i felt like a bad mum. but if we didn't feel something we wouldn't be mums.

But as mothers, women we need to set safe boundaries for us to live safely and happy and other children and people in the house also.

my son contacted me 11mths later and apologized for everything and wanted to come back home. I set boundaries and put conditions in place that he had to seek help and support for the family violence and addiction issues he had. He has since then began getting support and help he is now working a full-time job first time in his life. His had to grow up and take responisbiltiy for his own actions.

As mums it does not mean we have to accept abuse or violence from our children.

You have done your best as a mother.

Please don't be down on yourself. You raised your daughter as a single mum that's strength.

Your daughter will hopefully realize her actions caused this reaction.

I wish you all the best pls give Ur self-credit ❤️