Life and trauma

Glad you got some connection and some distraction @Former-Member

They've left? What are you up to now? Always takes me a little bit to readjust after people leave my space hey.

@Former-Member

Is it possible to spend more time with this person? Even just chatting on the phone.

Maybe getting your mind straight into doing something else now will help keep those thoughts coming back for a while.

I do know that feeling of spending so much time alone though. Even though I live with my partner now, she works full time, so have to spend every weekday sitting here trying to figure out how to use up yet another day. I do have a friend who drops in every Monday evening for a couple of hours, but thats about it for social contact. It's not fun spending that much time by yourself. I feel like after long enough, you forget how to actually interact with people... assuming you figured it out in the first place! I certainly never did.

@Jynx it was nice while it lasted i guess. They scared the crap out of my though when they came cos they bashed on the door.

My head is a complete mess now and this situation has kind of brought up a whole heap of feelings and emotions. So mentally I'm a bit worse off now. I'm starting to get myself ready to sit on my bed and colour.

@MJG017 i have to tread with caution in this situation. But there is communication in other ways aswell.

@Former-Member

I met my partner when I was 43, so apart from times hanging out with a few friends in my 29s and early 30s, I was completely alone for most of that... It's hard! It was hard to even motivate myself to go out. Because that meant seeing random people together and that would just remind me of the loneliness. After a a few years I just gave up and tried to get used to spending the rest of my life alone. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

@MJG017 I'm so glad you met someone, quality is better than quantity. But I just don't have anyone and it's been that way for many years. I've had a couple of friends over the years but the friendships were only cos they got something out of it. I hate not having anyone, I don't expect to hang out with someone day in day out but just a visit every now and then would be nice.

@Former-Member sometimes you remind me of a dear friend of mine... they've got pretty hectic C-PTSD and like you, have a very... hmm, for lack of a kinder word, twitchy nervous system. Me? I'm a boistrous, chaotic whirlwind of energy! So.... we clash sometimes. I've had to learn to be a LOT slower, softer, and gentler when with them. Which can be a challenge when I'm just so excited to see them!!

Was this person a good friend of yours? Would it be worth asking if they could try to be more gentle with things, like bashing on doors? Maybe they simply have no clue that doing so is quite disruptive for you and for your sense of safety.

It does sound like something more complex has unfolded though. You're welcome to talk about it if it feels like a vent is needed, but I'm guessing it's a bit raw. Up to you.

What colouring have you picked out to do next?

@Jynxit's funny how we can be completely different characters to others and yet still find friendship. Yes it can mean that bit of extra work so that each party is comfortable but that's what friendships are all about compromise and understanding.

I can't explain the situation on here as it's part of my life that's being left out of being shared here. So while I'd love to explain it i can't through here.

Things have spiralled so quickly out of control it's not funny. One minute I was somewhat ok and in control the next I was in a completely different and dangerous situation. And I can't even recall much of what happened, it's scary as hell.

I'm working on 2 colourings at the moment, one I've picked out for you and the other is just a mandala one.

@Former-Member

Never say never. Trust me... I know exactly what is like to be alone so long you're 100% convinced it will never change. Not only that but go on for years just being proven right time and time again. But you just need a bit of luck. Things can change. But that doesn't make being stuck in it any easier. Take some heart from the fact you've been here for a while and gotten to know a few people here who enjoy chatting to you. I know it all anonymous here, but I've always felt communicating by text like this allows me to be myself without all the self-doubts and confidence issues that still badly affect me out in that real world. So I take a lot of confidence that people online seem to like this 'more real' me than the socially clueless, introverted real world me that is usually alone. But I have used this confidence over the past 6-8 months to start to make connections in the real world. I mean it's not like I would need to book out a whole pub to have a catch-up with all these new people I've met... heck a small table with a chair or two would be plenty, but it has made a big difference for me. Those doubts and struggles are still there, I have no doubt they always will be, but they're not all consuming anymore.

If I've learned one thing the past year, it's like yourself and try to be kind to yourself, and f@#k anyone who doesn't feel the same. Life is FAR to short to waste any of it on them.

@MJG017 i just can't allow myself to be hurt again, so i won't even attempt to have friendships.

Here is all i have and all I will have for however long I choose to stay on this earth for.

You know that liking myself just isn't going to happen, I've hated myself for as long as I can remember. Guess I can't expect anyone to like me when i don't like myself.