Christmas Chaos but trying to find the light

Hi @LostAngel. I know this time of year can be incredibly difficult especially when it feels that we're not as close to family as we'd like. But it does sound like amongst the struggles, you've had some wins as well. Getting the insurance payment out of the way must be a big relief. With all that you're juggling at the moment, you are still trying to make Christmas as warm and as special as you can for everyone which I think says so many great things about you. How much you care about your family, your strength and resilience, it's all there to see.

May be when you are all together you could start to share some good memories of your father and maybe that will get everyone else to share their own memories and can act as a way to get everyone on the same page and remember how important family is and bring everyone a little closer back together.

Either way, you seem to be doing such an incredible job of trying to make it a great Christmas for everyone so I hope that you can manage to find some moments of peace and joy even if some others don't fully appreciate your efforts. But hopefully both your Christmasses turn out well though.

I'm glad to hear there is some movement with your mum helping @LostAngel .

Hope you are okay.

@tyme Im actually really struggling right now ,anxiety ,am safe but am struggling thank you for reaching out

This time is a struggle for so many. I feel there are just so many expectations, especially on those who don't feel the best. Go slow my dear @LostAngel . Look after yourself.

@tyme Ill try to explain its just today I found myself getting super emotional and overthinking about the lack of family, but yes mum is one of few who are helping ,I was filling out christmas cards today even despite non communication from particular family ,Ive still decided to try to reach out with christmas cards in my own little way ,just the overthinking turned into overwhelm and lonleyness ect to anxiety ,Im currently sitting near my back door to get as much fresh air as possible but of course its my minds worrying thoughts that are the problem thoughts that are as follows ,that Im alone,That Im unlovable by family some family that is,that I miss my dad ,that I wish I had a supportive partner in my life right now for support,That Im doing my best but still feel triggored with emotion about not feeling good enough for my family,that am asking myself what do I need to do to be loved and accepted by them or in some cases what must I do to be forgiven by them ,Im trying to get as much air in my lungs right now to prevent a full blown anxiety attack, Id very much like some company if anyone has a little time to spare

am trying to do grounding excercise what I see,hear,feel ect and trying to picture that family is hugging and present with me and actually saying they love me rather than the disconnect feeling Im trying to imagaine theyre saying the things I need to hear them say that would help with healing

thank you @tyme @MJG017 for being here

Yes we are here for you @LostAngel .

I sounds like there is a lot of expectation on you at this time. I think I would feel buried under it all!

I'm here for a chat if you are free.

Sending you some hugs and some groundey vibes @LostAngel. I'm sorry it's all so much right now. I'm gonna ramble at you a bit - I can hear that you're feeling pretty dysregulated in your emotions at the moment so if you wanna come back to it later that's ok 😉

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@LostAngel wrote:

Im doing my best but still feel triggored with emotion about not feeling good enough for my family,that am asking myself what do I need to do to be loved and accepted by them or in some cases what must I do to be forgiven by them

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In my experience, love should never be something used as currency. What I mean is, you shouldn't have to prove yourself as worthy of love - you already are. Nor should you only receive love in times when you've reached their expectations. That's why they call it 'unconditional'. Their inability to love you or show you that they do, is a reflection of their insecurities, not a reflection of your worth.

Acceptance is trickier at times... For me it is the tension between wanting to belong and feel part of the group (which is a human NEED), and wanting to be authentic and waste no energy on masking (which, I guess is a need in Maslow's Hierarchy if it comes under self-actualisation? IDK lol). Again, it is something out of our control, we can't force people to be accepting of us - I guess we can just be choosey about who we're wanting to put energy into - those who refuse to accept us are typically not worth our time hey. Always harder when it's family though, I know.

Forgiveness...trickier still! I think because it's such a personal process. Sometimes, when people won't forgive us, it's not because we don't deserve it, but because of their own internal narratives and emotional wounds. Reminds me of a quote: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." If they wanna hold a grudge, that's on them. They do say the best revenge is living well... 😋

I guess all of this is to say that you are not some scape-goat or punching bag for others' emotional insecurities. You don't need to bend over backwards to win the approval of people who consistently fail to be respectful to you and your journey. Find the ones who are, and pour your energy into them instead 💜

Thanks @tyme and @Jynx what youve both just shared makes alot of sense,I actually went offline for a bit to do a little art to try to express my thoughts in some way and for some reason came up with an interesting picture a flower representing me , a love heart above me surrounding me with loving protection and watering me with love,like a love bubble of sorts and outside of that love bubble the arrows that tried to get in it couldnt despite the darkness they tried to send my way I guess a message of self love prehaps or a love that keeps me safe and secure away from the arrows that try to get in I dont know just a kind of visual of the unmet needs prehaps ,the curency side of things really makes sense thank you both am starting to feel a smidge better