TW: Sex, Age Gap Love: Reminiscing a Time When My Life Was Simple

I would really like to share part of my story with you. I think that doing as such will assist me to heal from this specific situation, properly. Please bear in mind that I have since been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and that being a natural conversationalist isn't exactly my strongest point either.

Seven years ago to the date, I was on my way to a shopping centre via bus to do some Christmas shopping for my family. I am already trying to fight back tears just writing this - I was extremely closed of and introverted at this particular point in my life, with no experience in relationships under my belt. I was seated at the front of the bus by the male driver, who I was very attracted to at the time. We had almost reached our destination when I started to experience either a panic attack or an anxiety attack - I don't know the difference between the two. When we arrived at the shopping centre, the breathing that I was experiencing got slower, deeper and heavier. The bus driver turned around and looked at me, and started waving at me, slowly. He seemed concerned about my safety and wellbeing, as I was holding my chest because my anxiety had become so intense. This man and I engaged in a very brief conversation (just a bit of context here - this man and I had known each other, through the bus network, for about a year prior to this particular interaction). He started by asking if I was OK. I told him firmly that I was having either a panic attack or an anxiety attack - I honesty can't remember what I told him. He then asked if I needed an ambulance, (this was part of his job description to ask this question), and I said no. I had seen him earlier that day, which sparked a new topic in our conversation. He mentioned that he saw me earlier, and asked why he saw me at a specific location. Due to being heavily attracted to this man, I couldn't form a coherent sentence to tell him why he had seen me earlier. Some moments had passed when this bus driver completely and randomly asked me for my age! I knew exactly where this was leading to, and so I informed him of my age (I told him the truth). He couldn't believe it. He must have thought I was younger. At that point, I wanted to tell him that I had liked him... a lot. But I couldn't get the words out. He asked if I'd be OK to go back to where he picked me up from, and I said yes. I must have still been on his mind during the trip back, because about 20 minutes into this return trip, he mumbled softly (which was loud enough for me to hear) that he wanted to have sex with me. OMG. I obviously won't go into detail, but let's just say that I would have jumped at that opportunity if he had asked me (in a private setting, of course).

But alas, this interaction still haunts me to this day. Not because there is a significant age gap between us, but because I regret not losing my virginity to him.

About six months later, I FINALLY had the courage to ask him a question. But stupid me didn't ask him if he wanted to go out on a date with me. Instead, I asked why he took two photographs of me on his phone on two separate occasions - yes, this really did happen. He flat-out denied engaging in this sort of behaviour, when in fact, my memory serves as evidence that he actually did do it. I know why he took those photos of me, and I don't really care what he did with them. I am just grateful that it was not a man who I was not attracted to that took those photos of me.