Xmas, toxic family and kids

Hey @Spungold ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear there has been a falling out. It sounds incredibly hard, especially for the children.

To be honest, it's not really our place to say what you should or shouldn't do. However, if I was in your shoes, I would be thinking that if their uncle/s didn't have the decency to see them or talk to them, the gift would be worth even less.

I'm not one to keep Christmas, but from what I know, Christmas should be more than just the material things, right?

I'm not sure what your stance is. Do you want to reconnect with your brothers at some point? Whether you have had a falling out with your bros or not, do you want to continue connecting with your nieces? If you want to stay connected, consider your falling out with your bro/s not be a punishment for their children?

What do you think?

What if you make a great Christmas for yourself and offspringers @Spungold

and let that be that

Hi @tyme, thank you you’ve brought up some good points.
Only through reading your response have I realised that presents are the only ‘affection’ or connection my brother gives my kids. For years, my birth family spent a lot of time together and I would play, talk and feed my nieces. Yet my brothers didn’t do any of that with my kids.
After years of being the black sheep (aka only person trying to fix our unhealthy family dynamic) I realised they don’t actually love me or my kids. This is why we had the falling out - what’s that saying ‘you can’t force someone to treat you well’.

I would love to have more of a connection with my nieces but cannot see them anymore and therefore presents would be my only contact. I do not want to punish them, however that’s what my brothers have done to my kids for years.
There is no coming back from my birth family’s horrible behaviour towards me, my husband and kids. I have decided no contact is the healthiest choice. My kids deserve better and I don’t want that toxicity affecting their mental health anymore.

Thank you @Macey.

This is what I’m thinking may be best but I’m struggling. I feel guilty even thinking about not giving gifts to my nieces. Ah the joys of the parentified daughter!

I'm not sure if you have read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Despite both my parents being deceased when I read it, it helped me to understand my own behaviours.

I haven't read a lot of self-help books but this one and Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Dr Susan Jeffers were both life changing for me.

Perhaps if you want to stay connected to your nieces send them cards for Xmas and birthdays. Pop something personal inside, like a family photo. This may help alleviate your guilt.

Welcome to the forums @DeesMum ,

Thank you for sharing those resources. I'll look into them.

Hope you have a good day!

Thanks @DeesMum I will check out those books.

much appreciated ☺️

Thanks for sharing @Spungold .

It sounds like posting on the forums has brought some more clarity to the situation. Is this fair to say?

Are you at peace with your decision to just cut off contact altogether?

Happy to discuss it more if you feel it will help.

Hi @tyme, thank you ☺️ Yes I think I’m resolved to still send my nieces something so they know we’re still thinking of them despite the rift with the adults.
My husband has watched on with frustration and anger at the way my family has treated our kids and me. The decision to go no contact was not an easy one however there’s been an immense improvement in our home life and my mental health. I have grieved the family I thought I had and am taking steps to heal. Some days are easier than others, but living without the chaos and toxicity is definitely an adjustment I’m happy to make. I am healing generational trauma so it’s not passed onto my kids and they can have a better life.

Thanks for the advice and clarifying questions, very much appreciated ☺️

I'm glad you are at peace with this decision. @Spungold That's the most important thing.

It sounds like you know what you need to do to protect your own health and wellbeing and this is most important - otherwise if you aren't well, you won't be well for yourself, your immediate family or your nieces.

I guess it's also about not expecting anything from them so that when and IF your kids get anything, then it's a pleasant surprise.

All the best with it all!

I look forward to hearing how it all pans out.