Support for Single Men

Thanks @tyme for setting this up, I really appreciate it.

This forum was my idea, I honestly think being single in this world today can be really hard to manage if you dont have anyone else who you can relate to. I was hoping to use this as a space for men to express their highs and lows as they try to navigate this world.

I have struggled immensely in this area for years and have started to believe recently that this isn't for me. I honestly dont think I will ever be in a relationship due to my own personal issues getting in the way.

I have ASD/ADHD, I am introverted and shy, and time to build up a connection. With this stuff in mind, and only having the perspective of being a man, I honestly believe this holds back so many men from actually being able to achieve their dating goals. I just wish I knew more people who struggled with this so we can share stories and not feel so alone.

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@tyme wrote:

- Are we living a life close to our values which will hopefully foster a relationship?

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The problem is that things are way more complicated then that. Because you might be living in line with the values of your sought partner, but that doesn't necessarily mean your living a life that aligns with the values of the people that lay in between you and your unmet partner - i.e. the people you need to set the two of you up together.

A classic example of this was my old therapist. In like our 2nd or 3rd session she just blurts right out how she didn't like women with my sort of values and how she actively worked to convert such patients to adhere to her own values.

In retrospect, I feel like I was surrounded by people like that.

The point being, you'll never get these people to set you up with their like-minded single friends/neighbors/family members/coworkers/patients/ect. if you "just be yourself" around them. You - and your as yet unmet partner - both have to "game" these people, to persuade them that your "worthy" of a relationship; which requires you to live and act in contradiction to your values.

And it only gets more and more convoluted and confused and unworkable from there... For example, if you do earn yourself an introduction to one of these peoples' single friends, not only do you have to hope that this single friend is likewise putting on an act to satisfy that person's standards (as otherwise they would never have qualified as being "worthy" of a relationship), but you also have to hope that the real personality behind the mask just happens to align well with your own.

It's a total mess.

Hearing you both @chibam @Former-Member ,

I'm no expert in this area so I'm happy to sit alongside everyone and read on and I think it's a very important issue.

I read a statistic somewhere recently about how in the currently society, a lot of people use online dating apps. I don't know how I feel about that.

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@tyme wrote:

I read a statistic somewhere recently about how in the currently society, a lot of people use online dating apps. I don't know how I feel about that.

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Back when I met my partner (no small miracle) 12 years ago, online dating websites were (i think) one of the biggest ways people were meeting each other. I think one of the issues is even back then, the free sites were full of scammers/fake profiles, or people just looking for a hookup rather than a relationship. I found the paid ones far more genuine, but that's to say they were perfect... their pricing and methods were always very manipulative, if not outright predatory. But back in the day they were reasonable successful for people finding relationships. I get the impression that the online dating apps these days are more about finding dates than relationships. But that may be more of a generational thing than a technology thing.

I think the main advantage of these websites is that you could be as introverted as i was, admit it, and find people who were the same, or were willing to accept it. I don't know what these modern apps are like, but i assume it's just far too easy to get overlooked and a lot of pressure to be more outgoing.

Like I said, my experience (very limited) with online dating was 12-15 years ago. You could be as honest (or not) with your profiles. From the little I know of modern online dating apps its more about physical attraction... stick a photo up and see who likes it. Personally I was always interested more in what the person wrote and what sort of person they were. Not that I was ever brave enough to contact anyone, but it was always how much effort they put into what they wrote that even made me take notice. I'm not sure many people would put that effort in anymore and go with 2 or 3 cliched sentences these days. That may just be me being old though.

Thank you for sharing @MJG017 . That's really interesting to know. It's so helpful to read of different people's experiences around these dating apps.

@chibam

I like your point about the contradiction between trying to be yourself but also playing the game. I have heard both of these advice given to me and the are both working in contradiction to each other. There is a lot of acting early on that I think means both parties miss out on genuine connection, rather than just being in the moment.

Also that therapist and what she said is deeply unprofessional. I am sorry to hear that you went through that.

@MJG017 @tyme

Yes, unfortunately more and more people are on the dating apps. I think partly it's because less and less people are actually going out and we are really just surviving for now. I think the apps have a purpose because they allow like @MJG017 said for introverted people to state that they are and it breaks the ice from that regard.

Unfortunately they have gotten worse and the level of effort people put into their profiles is practically non-existent. Sometimes its just photos, other times its their instagram profile link, other times its an incredibly cliched sentence that has just been copied and paste from other profiles.

I have even see women put in their profiles "if you are under 6 foot, swipe left". Not once or twice, but multiple times in their profile. Now I am over 6 foot but would never swipe right on them.

I honestly think that we are just poorly socialised now and we have really dropped the ball on connecting authentically.

@tyme

Hey everyone, I’m glad to have the opportunity to share my thoughts here. Being single can definitely feel like a mixed experience, especially when there aren’t many spaces for men to connect about the ups and downs of relationships. For me, it’s been a challenge to balance what I value in life with what’s currently within reach. I’ve struggled with motivation and self-improvement, which, combined with personal challenges, can make fostering the kind of relationship I want feel difficult.

Over time, I’ve noticed my values shift depending on my emotional state and life circumstances. For instance, I used to focus heavily on career and stability, but now, being on disability, I’m prioritizing self-care, balance, and working on what I can control. This sometimes makes dating challenging because I don’t always feel aligned with what I want in a relationship, and I wonder if it’s because I’m not yet living the life I aspire to.

The biggest hurdles for me are self-doubt and figuring out what I truly want from a partner versus what they might be looking for. Success for me at this stage is about celebrating small wins—building better habits and becoming more confident when interacting with others. While I don’t have any major success stories, I believe personal growth, even in small steps, is a success in itself.

I also want to acknowledge that while I’ve put this into my own words, I’ve used ChatGPT to help refine and proofread my thoughts.

Thank you for sharing @Wesco5454 .

That is so valuable.

What are peoples thoughts on confidence? I have a big opinion on this in which it is a hill I would die on.

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@Former-Member wrote:

What are peoples thoughts on confidence? I have a big opinion on this in which it is a hill I would die on.

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@Former-Member TBH, I've always found confidance to be an extremely ugly trait, and I've always tried my best to avoid having it myself.

Other people - therapists, self-help gurus, and the like - try to market it as an essential tool for achieving 'success'. But while it may have benefits for the person who practices it, I've always found that it's an awful thing to be on the recieving end of. Confidant people get everything they have by preying upon other people, and then telling themselves that they were right to do so.

If that's what it takes to 'succeed', I'd rather be a failure. At least I'd be at peace with my conscience that way.