Dreading Sleep, Dreading Waking Up

Hi @Kares102

Post where ever you want to, there is no wrong place.

It sounds like you are going through so much at the moment, with little reprieve.

Disturbed sleep can affect us so much, especially when we are getting little sleep.

Please know that we are here for you, to listen, to chat, basically for anything that you need.

I hope today brings a little light into your day.

Take care xoxo

Hi @Kares102

I think most people feel the same in times of grief... like things will never get better. It can be almost impossible to see a way forward during these times. But it does get easier eventually. Everyone is different as is each situation so there is no set time so just take the time you need to grieve and slowly but surely things will start to improve. The pain will still be there for quite a while, but it will hurt less and less and you will be able to move on and find that same happiness with someone else.

Clearly this has hit you very hard and added with the lack of sleep you are experiencing as a result, it's no wonder you feel so exhausted. It's not just the lack of sleep, it's the fact that even at night you are getting no rest from the weight of your grief.

Take a lot of confidence from the very fact that you've reached out here and shared with us what you are going through. That in itself shows a lot of courage and strength and shows that you are trying to move on, and it's a powerful first step in that process.

How you thought of speaking to someone to help you through? Like a counselor who specialises in grief for example. It can help to remove some of that 'weight' just by sharing it with some one and help you to feel less alone. So whether that is here, or with someone face to face... or both.

So like I said, even if it seems like it now, you are not broken or destined to feel like this forever. Just remember that part of the healing is not to forget or act like it never happened... that is setting yourself up for failure. Its about finding a way to deal with this loss that allows you to feel less weighed down from it at to start to live again. It is just going to take some time, so take as much as you need and continue to reach out. No one will tell you it's easy. I'm sure you know that, but it will get easier in time. Maybe some kind of distraction for your mind will help a little, like music or an audiobook/podcast, or even just keeping the light on, will help at night. Not to try and take any of the pain away, but just to make the nights feel a little less lonely and isolating.

@Snowie and @MJG i appreciate the responses a lot.

I do guess I logically know it will recede, it just feels like so many of the vital processes for my mental health are unattainable at the moment, what with sleep and eating and socialising ranging from tough to impossible at times.

I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow, and he specialises in grief, but it’s difficult to see it helping because I can’t afford to see him more than every 2-3 weeks. Otherwise I have been speaking to friends, and taking time to cry and feel, which does leave me a lot more clear headed and less afraid if not a lot more eyed.

What honestly scares me most, even in moments like now where I feel genuinely clear headed and not at all like breaking down, is that I’ve read so many people say they never stop dreaming or thinking of their ex, or otherwise having flashbacks. It terrifies me that she’s written herself into the rest of my life, not because I don’t want that - and I really, really do want her in my memories forever - but because what if the pain sits there even in minute amounts forever. Just another chronic mental pain issue to add to the pile.

@Kares102

It's great that you have people to talk to and are supportive and can allow you to work through all of these emotions. I don't think people do forget ex's. You always remember people in your life that meant something to you, for better or worse. You remember her now and it brings comes with all of this pain and fear right now. That's the bit that will change in time. You will always remember the pain, but you will feel it less and less. I guess it's a bit like breaking an arm... you'll always remember the pain of it happening and the recovery, but it doesn't mean your arm will always hurt once it has healed.

The fact that you have these moments of being clear headed demonstrates your resilience and the fact that can now share your experience and reflect on it shows great strength and that you are beginning to lighten than mental load and begin to heal. Be kind to yourself, you've been through a really difficult time and what you're feeling now is just how hard this has been for you, not how hard it will always be.