IdontknowanonContributor
Battling the stigma, judgement of BPD
I’ve never wanted change so much. At least that is how it feels to me right now. I really want change and I want a social change too. There needs to be more understanding around BPD and how to help someone through it. Do I just have BPD? Is there more complex mental health disorders that I am suffering? Possible identity disorders, manic depression, PTSD? I am a bright person with so much hope, optimism, goals and drive towards self care and self help. I really have a thirst for education and learning new things. I crave to study at university and really immerse myself in a professional world but it is hard with so many societal barriers and stigmas that surround Borderline Personality Disorder. Even I myself struggle to understand my own illness. It is debilitating and immensely challenging facing judgement, control, misunderstanding, resentment and hate. I feel like a prisoner to my own traumas in the face of others. What have I done to deserve such cruelty? Why am I deliberately psychologically traumatised? When will it end? Why am I sexually exploited and manipulated? Why am I not entitled to the human rights that others have? Why do I have to live in constant fear and many complex emotions. Relationships are enormously hard and frustrating for me to maintain. I lack attachment to them due to feeling totally disabled to my own mind. My relationship with men and women are both as equally complexing and challenging. My family are struggling with taking me seriously anymore and I feel ultimately dehumanised through society. I am sick to death of judgement and belittlement. Generally I manage my symptoms of mental health on my own. I have coping mechanisms like living a healthy balanced lifestyle, exercise, self care, art. I am strong but weak when it comes to anger and complexing emotions that I don’t know how to handle and don’t know how to get the tools to cope with them. It makes me afraid of others, wondering why I bother as I destroy everyone around me. I just disappoint everyone through my own ill behaviours. When it comes to blending in with others I struggle greatly to belong due to judgement based off episodes of aggressive behaviour. There is no remorse for Borderline Personality Disorder. I have made many mistakes in my life. It has been especially hard to come through such devastating, socially humiliating challenges and excepted as a person. I wonder why I have to feel such discomfort in myself. I am a woman, why aren’t I treated like one? I really want help. I need help and I need support. I want to create goals and I need help along the way. I am heavily controlled psychologically. I am misogynised. I am treated unfairly. I need help to break through my demons and be given a fair an equal opportunity in life. I want more life. I love life and I want to be apart of it but I can’t with the judgemental pressure of society. It is triggering. How can I set a safe environment for myself when my fundamental values say I’m not good enough? There needs to be change. I deserve to connect with other people free of judgement. It is so challenging living day to day with such complexing emotions that just never get recognised as improving. Why do I receive little praise for my achievements? Why do I get no congratulations for all that I have accomplished? Or why do they feel so limitless, as hate speaks louder to me than congratulations. I crave success. There needs to be a change. I have hope. I am a warrior. I care deeply what other people say and think, I have to, but it is hard when it is all negative. I’ve done it to myself, but deep down I am a good person. How am I supposed to achieve? Am I making more progress than I think?
- A BPD warrior
