Isolating battles and distorted realities with BPD

I don’t really know where to begin, and this is merely just a surface level feeling of someone in the grips of a diagnosis such as Borderline Personality Disorder. I struggled through life with a lack of control or attachment to relationships and battle with a lack of support, understanding, sympathy, empathy or love. At least this is one negative thought. One that I could continue to ponder on until it consumes my reality and I don’t understand what is real anymore. I like to pretend that I know exactly how to fix it and I can manage myself as a normal person and emerge myself in the workforce but it is a battle of immense proportions and all consuming of complexing emotions. I feel a lot of despair, jealousy, resentment and anger towards the world and people who receive better support than I do. I wonder why does everyone hate me so much? Am I imagining this? Why can’t I bond with others? Why don’t I fit in? Why am I expected to explode with anger just to prove someone right? Why can’t I be proud and happy in my diagnosis and stride forward in confidence with my disorder. Why am I trapped in the despairs of abuse and trauma while others are free to be themselves and laugh at my pain and suffering, with an attitude that I don’t deserve it. This is just how I feel. Why does everyone want to ‘fix’ me but not support me? Why do people feel entitled to spread rumours about me and never tell me straight what’s wrong with me so that I can properly fix myself? I was diagnosed with BPD this year. I pretend I don’t have it due to a lack of understanding. I don’t really know much about it but I sure know that it scares other people away. It is challenging trying to get better when I am constantly lowered in status, stigmatised, belittled and sterotyped. It is hard when I am highly intelligent and bright and have so many goals that I want to accomplish but people make it hard for me with views that I don’t deserve to achieve I have made this world hell. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love myself and really work hard on my self care but it is a battle being taken seriously in the world when nobody wants to know you if you have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am constantly Psychologically tormented and frail to sexual harrassment to even the slightest degree. If someone even hints at the idea that they assume I am being seductive I cringe and become squeamish. I suffer massive discrimination, have significant trust issues, have a hard time fitting in and belonging. I see myself as a beautiful girl who has gone through one too many challenges. I am broken and it is braking my brain. I suffer panic attacks, emotional nausea, psychosis, discrimination, depression, mania, anxiety, stress. I just want a fresh opportunity to be able to prove my worth. it is so hard on my family they just need to see me do well. I struggle with fear of homelessness due to a lack of understanding hiring a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is so taboo. I am my own worst enemy, or is it actually everyone around me making sexually harass ideas? I need help. I need more research in this disorder. I need hope. I need to be able to feel like I can achieve my goals and not be a statistic.