Will this stop?

What if I am never coming out the other side of this breakdown? I feel my cognitive thinking is hardly there. The day it hit was over four months ago now. I thought it was sudden but really, it was a build up for quite a while.

At the time I was told it looked like agitated depression, one opinion,(my partner's), was that I should have been scheduled with ECT as treatment.

I was terrified, now I am wondering if this is the only way out and if anyone else has had ECT with positive results. I forget things all the time, I am so exhausted from trying to think through a thick fog. I am scared of treatments that could make my memory worse.

I have to actively hide just how rock bottom I am because I live with someone who has anger issues and can’t cope with my falling apart, he shows the very opposite of compassion and triggers more distress, its confusing because he also can be kind then snap in an a split second. So sick of walking on eggshells, sick of him telling me how my mental health is then berating me for it. If I could get out of this space then of course I would. He said living with me is like living with a fridge. I can't be loving with some who has consistently withheld or doesn't know how to be supportive and gaslights constantly.

I just want to be held and heard. Instead I am desperate for my partner to go to sleep so I can call a crisis line, this feels so wrong. I am so tired of holding on by the thread that is left. So distressed this is never going to end.

My Psychologist is great but I don’t think they quite understand exactly how close to the edge I feel because I feel trapped inside a living nightmare.

I see so many stories online of how people got through breakdowns but not many lived experiences of people coming out the other side when they also have complex MH that is a daily struggle to begin with. I really feel like giving up but I can’t because I can’t do that to my children.

Everything feels surreal, I don’t know how to cope even remotely with Christmas. My partner is telling me I need to have the Christmas shopping done this week, I am too afraid of saying that. I have been able to put a somewhat convincing mask on, there have been days that were better for part of the time but the crash is horrible and I find myself back to shaking in my bedroom desperate for help, lonely in this I am at a loss as to what to do. Is it possible this is it, how forever is going to be? I just think there has been so much trauma and loss that there is no fight left in my being.

Apart from seeing my Psychologist I have not even bothered turning up to medical appointments with the Sarcoma specialist because I feel so ashamed at this state.

The saddest thing is that before this happened I was doing better than I have been in years, I don't even feel like that person now. I don't like me, in fact I despise myself for not being able to fix this mess.