Everyone says they're unable to help

Hi @Jlol I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling to get through on these phone lines when you need them.

Are you able to call Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467, or connect with them via online chat? I also encourage you to give LifeLine another call, I know that it can be so difficult when you're not able to get through during busy periods but it sounds as though you are really needing that support right now.

If you do feel that you need more immediate support you can call your state's local mental health tirage service or contact 000 if it is an emergency

We are here for you but want to ensure that you are getting the right level of support right now

Thanks for the reply @Ru-bee

I can't call SCBS as they don't allow blocked phone numbers.

I've been calling LL several times, but it never goes through and it's hard to do this whilst I am at work pretending to be "normal".

Can't go to MH triage as QLD doesn't have one (beyond an overworked nurse telling you to go to a private shrink).

Ah okay @Jlol would it be helpful to try to use their chat service rather than calling them? I know that it's not the same as speaking on the phone but it might be an option for the moment.

Did something happen to bring on these thoughts today?

Perhaps while you're having trouble getting through to LL there are some things that you can do to help keep yourself safe - have you ever made a safety plan?

Hi @Ru-bee ,

I can't use the chat as I am on my work computer and traffic is monitored.

Can't really do much in terms of safety plan stuff because I am at work. I've already spent half the time out walking on "coffee breaks" when I shouldn't.

I guess if anything happened today it's that I just can't seem to work anymore. I sit at my computer, stare at the screen and feel just incredibly overwhelmed, stupid, and sleepy. It's like the work I've done for years has suddenly stopped making any sense - like I'm suddenly trying to decipher a foreign language or something.

Combined with this is a feeling that I can't breathe. Like I'm in some kind of pressure chamber and I have to strain to push breath in and out of my chest, like theres a weight on it. This isn't anxiety. My heart isn't racing, and I'm not panicing, but I do have an overwhelming sense or feeling that I just should be unalive. Like it's some kind of "hunger" or need or magnetism.

All the while I'm feeling and dealing with this I'm trying to force myself to work, and hide the way I'm feeling from the people around me. I. Just. Can't. Breathe. Though.

The breathing thing has been happening for the last 2 weeks, and getting worse, but everything else has been going on years and years and years. Also getting worse.

This is life for me and I just don't get it. There's a magnetism towards self destruction that I must fight all the damn time and then get up to go to work to pay bills and be 'normal'.

I just hate life so much. Yet I can't even say that! It's like it's some Orwellian 'thought crime' if you say you hate being alive. We're told that we're meant to love life! Be grateful! That life is amazing! But, absolutely no one I've asked has been able to tell me what's so amazing about sitting in an office day in, day out, burning out, barely being able to afford to keep a roof over your head, whilst daydreaming about throwing yourself off the bridge across the road? I must have missed the instructions about how to interpret that as amazing.

Yeah I hear you @Jlol the last thing you need when you're struggling with life is to be told that life is amazing and to be grateful. Life can be amazing and wonderful, but it can also be really, really hard. I wouldn't say that working to the point of burn out, or being in a stressful financial position are amazing sides of life, it sounds like a really tough position to be in and I'm hearing that you're feeling really disillusioned right now, which is completely understandable.

It sounds like this feeling of not being able to breathe has been pretty constant recently, have you noticed any feelings of relief from this at all in the past week or so? Any moments where things felt a bit more okay?

I also hear how mush strength it must be taking just getting through each day right now, and I'm wondering what has been making that possible for you recently? Is there anything that has helped you keep going, even if it's something small?

Hi Ru-bee,

> It sounds like this feeling of not being able to breathe has been pretty constant recently, have you noticed any feelings of relief from this at all in the past week or so? Any moments where things felt a bit more okay?

Yes absolutely. When I leave the office as the end of the day it's like a spell has been lifted and I am able to breathe at least 50% better. It's almost like it happens as soon as a I pass through the doors to the street.

> I also hear how mush strength it must be taking just getting through each day right now, and I'm wondering what has been making that possible for you recently?

I don't have any strength! If I did I wouldn't be on this forum!

> Is there anything that has helped you keep going, even if it's something small?

Lol nope!

It sounds as though work is a huge weight on you right now, how many hours until your work day ends and you're able to breath that bit better @Jlol?

I think it takes strength to reach out here and be vulnerable and honest about your feelings, it's not easy. It also takes strength to just get on with the mundane everyday things when you're struggling. Maybe it's not the type of strength that we typically think of, but it doesn't change what it is.

I have another 4 hrs. Then do it all again tomorrow!

I appreciated the kind words, but I feel that the strength thing is irrelevant to me. Like, it never results in much at all talking about your feelings. In fact it almost always makes things worse, which is why I use an anonymous name here and block my number when I call those lines. It's ok to do it anonymously, but never to people you know. They hate it.

Strength is this respect doesn't matter. You're not going to win any awards, you're not going to get recognised for it, you can't monetise it, hell, you can't even talk about it! It's just a stupid useless thing that has gotten in the way of me unaliving myself!

Afraid this is not uncommon and it makes me sad. Services and individuals can be rough. I especially feel for you when a medical or psychological practitioner declares themselves to be out of their depth and resigns. I have seen this in an AOD circumstance. Some should not be practicing.