JustWhelmedSenior Contributor
Super complex partner is basically useless
My partner of 7 years has CPTSD, auDHD, anxiety, and is a victim of SA as a child. She is a trans woman, incredibly intelligent, a good person who just had a really unfair start to life.
I can see how all of these things absolutely cause her to have to fight to survive each day, and have a lot of empathy.
She has 2 preteen kids who do nothing in our home. My kids can be slack ish but generally do what they're told after being asked once.
I have to remind them 2-3 times to shower or brush their teeth. Most days they don't do it. They don't clean up after themselves, in the bathroom or the kitchen. My partner won't remind them of any of it, because she doesn't think of it unless I tell her. All that matters to all three of them is their screens. The arguments with one of my step son's to do basic chores are just bonkers.
Both step kids are autistic, one has recently been diagnosed with BPD and causes so much drama for the entire family. My partner is utterly incapable of giving reliable, trustworthy boundaries, and her ex partner is even worse (she also has BPD, is extremely volatile and narcissistic) so both step kids are struggling so much with regulation and trust, and have basically zero life skills. We have therapies in place, which my partner will agree with the strategies given by the psych for the boys, but never implements any of it.
I had a really embarrassing appt with their psychotherapist last week where I actually couldn't keep track of everything I was trying to tell her; about the boys behaviours but also how impossible it is for me to implement anything she says because I have zero support from my partner or her ex.
My wife has admitted if we hadn't met,.both kids would still be somewhat non-verbal, they'd be gaming 12 hours a day and living off lollies and soft drink.
I want better for them, because I love them. They need boundaries, reliability and consistency. I am beating myself trying to get my wife to maintain this, and after 7 years I've realised that won't change. [edited by moderator]
Everyone keeps telling me "choose your battles" which I get, but.... That means I need to do all the things. Like collect up empty packages on the floor or in cupboards. Clean up spills they leave. Find their manky, dirty clothes. Pick up wrappers my partner leaves in my garden. Do all of their washing and sorting. Clean the bathroom, make all their meals.
I mean do I not cook for them, send them to school in dirty clothes, let their teeth rot, let them learn zero life skills or take any responsibility for their actions?
And what am I meant to do about my own kids, who do as well as any kids their age would, but definitely see the difference in what they do vs what their step brothers do. It's really unbalanced and unfair.
We went out for dinner tonight for the first time in years, and while it was nice to not cook for 6 (which is always 2-3 variations as my autistic step kids don't eat a lot of foods) I came home to realise the chores weren't done, there were THREE empty bread bags in the bread bin/on the bench, and water all over the floor.
I can't stop crying. I'm just so done. I love my partner and step kids, but I can't see how I can continue like this. However, I also can't afford to leave; we have nowhere to go, no way to afford to live on my salary in this climate, and I don't actually want to leave. I just want a partner who can contribute to life in ways other than finance.
I don't believe she's purposefully doing any of this, but also, she won't put reminders in her diary to at least do dishes twice a day.... Like what am I meant to do when she can't even manage that?
