How to support partner

Hi @Anonymity, welcome to the forum.

I really don't have any experience with this at all, so please take anything I say with that in mind. It must be such as difficult situation to be in especially while trying to manage the effects on your own mental health, as well as that of your kids.

Like many things I guess, it's important to also take time for yourself and part of that is to not feel like you've failed anyone here. It is an extremely difficult situation for anyone, and completely understandable how much of a toll it must be taking on you. So try to go easy on yourself.

Not having any experience with psychosis, I wonder if these beliefs your wife develops during these episodes must be so strong and real to her that no amount of effort to 'correct' these perceptions will not just be taken as dismissive no matter how well meaning you are trying to be. Maybe instead, it might be more helpful to just accept what she says and instead of trying to 'fix' these perceptions, just try to validate her fears. You wouldn't need to agree with what she is fearing, but just telling her you can see how upsetting and difficult it is for her. So just trying to calm her down while doing everything possible not escalate the conversation by trying to correct her. This way it may reduce the tension. Just letting her know how it makes you feel when there is this tension between you for example. It avoids putting any blame on her and invalidating her fears at the time. If it gets too much and you feel like it's starting to escalate, then just explain that you need to just step away from the conversation for a few moments to calm down enough to better listen and understand her.

If she refuses to seek any professional help then maybe you could find your own to get some help and advice, bot only for your own mental health, but how to best support your wife. If there is counseling available for your kids' school for example, it may help them to process their own feelings and take a bit of load off you as well.

Lastly, just accept that you can't fix everything all at once, you are already doing so much trying to deal with so many things that are outside your control. Try to take some time for yourself and things you enjoy... it doesn't have to be a lot. I wish you all the best.

@Anonymity

Hi

I am sorry you are struggling and sound as though you have been for some time.

I notice you seem to carry a lot of self blame. It is a normal human reaction to feel angry, confused, hurt and to try and defend yourself when faced with false accusations and irrational beliefs from your wife.

You sound as though you do your best to keep everything as calm as you can whilst walking on eggshells. In no way have you failed your wife or children.

The fact your mental health and life has been deeply affected by this makes me wonder if you are placing too large a burden on yourself to be looking at how to support your wife anymore than remaining calm and compassionate when you are in a distressful situation.

I have been in this situation. My former partners beliefs and accusations were unfounded yet he believed them. In the end, I could not even make a phone call without being accused of something that was impossible or untrue. Even going out to pick up a takeaway could lead to a prolonged frightening tirade of accusations over cheating. We went on for many years like this, too many years.

I am no expert but this does not sound like a psychosis, it sounds like a personality disorder of some sort, regardless of PTSD contributing or not. When you talk about what you have had to give up, this is your life, your children's lives. You all deserve things to become radically different for the better and that does involve getting professional help. Without knowing exactly what is happening for your wife, neither you or your wife can know what will help and no one is to blame at all.

Do you have a community mental health service you can go and talk to seek advice? You ask what the consequences would be of forcing your wife to get help while acknowledging you can't actually force her to. As long as the children are safe, the only consequence would be some peace of mind and whatever therapy or treatment is right for your wife. If the children’s emotional wellbeing is at risk then the worst that will happen is that your wife will be asked to engage with a Psychologist or whichever professional is needed to help her.

When I was in this situation I believed if I was strong enough I could help my partner to change. I will never forget a mental health worker looking me straight in the eye and telling me that would I would destroy myself in trying. He was right, not only did I crack under the weight of trying to be my partners counsellor, my child was also affected by the ongoing stress in our household. The same worker also told me that if I left the relationship, my partner would do exactly the same thing to the next person, he was also right.

I hope you can reclaim some of the family and friends you have lost.

Hopefully you can gather enough informed support around you. I have every faith you can because you are emotionally aware, talking about what is happening for you and reaching out which is so positive.

I hear that things are difficult for you, I’m sorry you’re struggling to get the answers you want right now. I can only suggest seeking support for your health before anything else, there are services publicly available such as counselling. It may be worth approaching somebody to help assist with balancing home life and the steps to find help for yourself and your wife if she chooses to accept it. I hope you find support somewhere in the coming week, be gentle.

Have you tried SANE's Guided Service? They are available until 8pm weekdays. See if you are eligible here: https://www.sane.org/referral @Anonymity