No motivation

Hello, I’m 68 female. I have depression and anxiety. I have a son and daughter, 3 grandchildren. At age 50, i felt depressed and lonely. I’ve never had much self esteem, but I thought I had the greatest marriage ever, but that was over at 50. I didn’t take it well - I went on antidepressants and started to drink. at that time my son and daughter were old enough to be on their own- one was married The other was in college so I left them. Only support I ever had was my sister; she’s one of those people that are very giving. my daughter disowned me and wouldn’t talk to me and my son was never a great communicator anyway so we kind of lost touch. I lived with my sister and her husband for a brief time but then I ended up moving to Australia to be with a man I met online playing Euchre. we got talking first on the phone for about three months and then I decided to go visit him after three months there, I married him. I never had anybody treat me the way he did, still does and I thought I was saved. Man was I wrong.
it’s been 18 years since I came to Australia. I have really come to hate this country and maybe it’s just because I hate myself, and the choices I made. I miss my family. My motivation is gone and what I mean is I don’t even have the motivation to take the steps that are recommended to do if you’re depressed, like go for a walk. I don’t even think I can do that because I just lay in bed all the time and it hurts to do anything. I do like to watch movies and TV series but nowadays it’s hard to find a good one, and I don’t know why they have to put gay people in every bloody movie. Ruins it for me most of the time but sometimes if the movies good enough I can ignore that part.
I’ve always really not cared for sex. In fact I don’t like to be touched. Yeah I know I have kids blah blah blah. I don’t even know if I ever wanted kids. They just came and after my second I got my tubes tied. I love them dearly and I cared for them better than I’ve cared for anything, but now they really don’t want to have anything to do with me. That’s very ironic isn’t it? no I don’t let them know how bad I feel, that’s not the reason. They have busy lives and they have more important things to do, more important people to talk to.
I really hate hearing about how bad people are doing in America - that gets my stomach all in knots and I can’t listen anymore.

I have tried every antidepressant on the market and none of them work. The side effects just make it worse. so I guess now I’m waiting to die. I thought of suicide but that’s not me. I worry too much, why do I worry? I don’t know. I worry about who’s gonna get my stuff when I’m gone, I worry about how my husband will take it, not that I’m doing him any favours by living. he keeps telling me that I just don’t know what love is. I don’t even know why I am writing this, I really doubt if anybody over read it through, and if they do, they’ll probably become more depressed than they already are. Sorry about that