Am Not Coping

Me sitting on your shoulder @Faith-and-Hope

I have been waiting for you to return tonight Hon. How are you doing? How was your evening?

Hi @Zoe7 ....;

Sorry, I dozed off exhausted before I saw your response post. Had settled on Chair Island cos WH was munching on Bed Island .... woke at 3:30am and stumbled off to bed, but then have been unable to sleep. I am hungry, but WH is near the kitchen in his office, and I don't want to see him. Maybe I should just go down nad make a cup of tea anyway. I have been hungry for two hours and it's not going away .....

Back shortly ....

💜

Okay, that's better. Hot chocolate should hold me for a little bit .....

My headache persisted last night, which gave me the excuse to remain reserved, which was good in that sense. It felt like a detox headache, which has the benefit that I am dropping more toxic junk .....

The evening was good, relaxed generally as it was our smaller crowd. My kids were tuned into there being something wrong, but I can't talk about it. I don't know whether this is a backwash of emotion now that things are changing, but I am feeling overwhelmed and displaced .... and there is probably going to be a lot of that ahead of me yet, so going on about it to them is not going to help really.

There is a lot of stuff coming up in family counselling that I feel needs context, but when I try to create context, before even getting to state what the context was for, I have both WH and S2 telling me that I don't have to justify myself ... that nobody is accusing me of anything .....

That just makes me feel like I am not being listened to, but I ought to given the courtesy of being listened to .... but us family counselling the right arena to be insisting on that and trying to address it, or am I being counter-productive ?

And ... am I miscommunicating, or are they misinterpreting ?

Clear as mud, right ?

It makes me feel like withdrawing, so I think that is what I am going to do for now in the counselling sessions, just sit and listen.

Oh Hon - that is such an incredibly difficult position to be in I can imagine that you are feeling completely overwhelmed, alone and invalidated from what happened yesterday. I know S2 looks up to WH and it does seem that he is also mirroring his responses now too. That is likely to be his coping strategy but is unaware of how much that is hurting you. I am so sorry you are in the middle of this and do not seem to be able to 'have a voice' at all @Faith-and-Hope!

Sometimes we can learn more by saying nothing but it is a tough position to be in when it has been forced upon you by previous actions/words. You can sit and listen next session - if it feels right at the time - maybe concentrate more on S2 (his reactions and what/how he says things) to determine how much is from him and how much is coming from WH - it may give you more perspective in the end or it may confirm how deep a hold WH has on him - either way you may learn more where you actually stand in THEIR relationship (if that makes sense).

I wish I had the money to jump on a plane right now - because Toby and I would be there today to hold you close, comfort you and let you know how truly special you are.

Sending you strength, love and light sweetheart

Aw @Faith-and-Hope

Those family councelling sessions sound as if they need a little context - what I saw in my mind was a one of those balls children have where they have to put the right shapped yellow pieces in through the right hole and it sorta seems as if they can't find the right holes and wow

Are you allowed to speak here or at home at all because it seems as if Wh and now S2 both want to have their say and - ah - um - what does one say when it really feels as if you are being accused of something - and misinterpreted or whatever -

Yes - it is as clear as mud -

But I am not here for them - I am here for you - I had family councelling once - a long long time ago - and to be (well- I felt accused myself) spoken of in the wrong light - not good at all - I guess this is how they see it

And all the time you are holding things together for everyone else

I guess this makes the whole thing seem a thankless task

Lots of hugs Faith and still sending faith and hope and prayers and hope that headache takes a hike

Dec

I'm really glad you still have those wings @Zoe7

If I sit really still I think I can feel them fluttering all the way up here - wonderful that

Dec

S2 is a lot like WH in many ways @Zoe7 .... but the WH I used to know .... so in speaking to me he is helping me to get a grip .... but it doesn't stop it from being painful and dealing with feeling invalidated and misjudged .... but therapists have their methods too, and perhaps how we respond to being judged or misjudged tells them a lot about us too.

I do know that a lot of what our reality is can be hard to believe .... so it can come across as catastrphising to try to talk about it .... especially if S2 is overwriting a lot of what happened because he feels it is no longer relevant to what is happening now .....

And WH's behaviour has changed a lot .... S2 is trusting those changes, but I am not .... nit because I don't want to, or because I am a suspicious, untrusting person ( )I don't think that's me ....) ....but because of how intermittently volatile our situation has been. Is it over yet ? I don't know.

I thought my wings were gone forever @Owlunar but maybe they have been returned to me for now - very damaged and in need of alot of repairs but even a small flutter is better than none at all

I don't know when you lost your wings @Zoe7 except that I was in Sydney and I had such a short time on the public computer I couldn't find what I had on my phone

I was sad that your wings had fallen - that you had a few bad wing days - my owl wings are kinda large for a butterfly - but a feather or two - let's see what I can find

Perfect - this is not a flying feather - it's a repair feather for you to gently stroke over your wings and let them heal - there's a lot of love stored in this feather - it a very special feather - sent with lots of care and hope and best wishes

Dec

@Faith-and-Hope I am sure that the therapist would be able to see that it is '2 against 1' and that you are not being allowed to be heard. That doesn't make the situation any easier but for now you need to 'go with it'!

I think you have every right to feel suspicious and/or mistrusting in this situation (whether that is you or not). You have been holding the family together for so long and in all that time WH has had control over everything you do and everywhere you go. The validation from his mother, the monitoring, cameras, travel etc. have all been on his terms and yet you have still 'fitted in' around these and found the positive things to keep you afloat- so courageous and so inspiring Hon.

I definitely do not think you catastrophrise your situation - infact I have often found myself holding back here in saying that I don't think you actually write the full extent of your situation. I understand very well how we can underplay to others exactly how bad or how deep the 'wounds' are but I have never been under the illusion that your situation is anything but extremely difficult and heart wrenching for you sweetheart. We see so well physical wounds but the emotional wounds are so often well hidden and they are the ones that take the longest to heal!