Am Not Coping

@utopia I was only joking!

@utopia Mine isn't either! How did your son go at his dad's? Did his brother like his present?

Hi @utopia

I slept for a couple of hours. Started to notice earlier that I wasn't doing so good and thought sleep might help. Then my sister came around with her dog. I put on a brave face but could not wait for her to leave. Was on edge the whole time thinking what drama has she brought with her this time. There wasn't any as it turns out just a visit. I'm always standing on eggshells with her wondering what she will say and what kind of mood she will be in - not a nice feeling! I am getting better at telling her when I don't need to hear anymore or she isn't speaking appropriately to me but it still causes anxiety.

I hope by now the calf has pooed - or the winner has been drawn out of a hat - and you are $1000 richer!

Just going to feed my fur babies and will be back soon xxx

Good evening @Zoe7 @utopia @Faith-and-Hope , I hope you had a lovely day. I am sitting outside with my two cats, eating my dinner. A southerly is coming through and I have FINALLY turned off the air-conditioning.

Thank you all for your positive feedback regarding my post. Hee hee, it sounds like I have it all soooooo together doesn't it. Ahhhh, the magic of cyberspace - so easy to create any impression that you want to When I was out shopping earlier, I was reflecting on the fact that yes, after twenty years of riding the waves, I really do have a lot of insight into my issues...but one of the biggest challenges I encounter these days is that most people can't cope with my meltdowns. What I described this morning works when I melt down in the privacy of my own home, or in NP's office...but it doesn't run quite so smoothly if it happens in public. And I do understand why - in the thinking part of my brain. I get that my meltdowns can be extremely loud and extremely chaotic...and the reality is that most people don't know what the heck to do so they call the police/ambulance and the whole thing goes to hell in a handbasket. One of the things I have on my to-do list with NP is to draft something that I can carry with me as a "what to do in case of emergency" type thing. I figure I will write it, then we will print it on her letterhead because, you know, people take far more notice of something written by a psychologist than by the consumer themselves - stupid society that sets "experts" up on a pedestal!!!!

Do you want to hear a ridiculous story? Well...last year I THOUGHT I'd found a cool new resource. It was a drop-in centre for people with mental health issues, only about 20 minutes drive from my home. I went and sussed them out, and had a really good conversation with one of the workers about how I have a lot of trauma-related issues around experiences with police/hospital etc. I explained that it would be awesome to be able to just go to the drop-in centre and simply "be" when I was super struggling. It all seemed really positive. We talked about the whole trauma-informed care approach and the person assured me that they VERY rarely call emergency services and only if someone is posing a threat to others or themselves or damaging property. So yep, this all sounded cool, and I did go once when I was feeling crappy and it was as I had expected.

Well, it was only a few weeks later that my psychologist (the good one that my uni counsellor found for me) announced she was closing her practice, thus plunging me into crisis. I was out in public a few days after her announcement and I could feel I was about to go into a magnificant meltdown. I could have chosen to go home and deal with it alone like I have done a thousand times before (and since). But instead, I made a choice to go to the drop-in centre. It wasn't impulsive or anything, I simply thought it would be nicer to deal with the big feelings with someone beside me, rather than alone.

I drove to the drop-in centre super focusing on my breathing so that I could be calm enough to get my words out. I walked in and said very clearly "I need a quiet room and someone to stay with me while I regulate my big feelings." The worker showed me into a room, I lay down on the floor and went into full meltdown. Now don't you think that's impressive? I got myself out of the public place, I got to the drop-in centre, I clearly stated my needs and THEN I went into meltdown.

Well, when I started to settle about 10-15 minutes later, I opened my eyes and found that I was alone in the room with the lights off and the door shut. This triggered super bad memories of being locked in seclusion at the hospital. I started screaming and opened the door to find all the workers milling around outside. One of them started asking me what my surname was and I knew from experience what that meant! I was like "you can't call anyone." Nope, too late, they had called the emergency services!!!! Seriously???? These were trained mental health workers!!!!! I was lying on the floor crying and making a lot of noise!!!!! No threat to self, others or property!!!

Of course I then went super berserk and became super chaotic. I remember saying that I had just needed to regulate and one of them said "but you weren't regulating." Er...they must have called the emergency services about five minutes after I got there!!!! I remember trying to explain to one of the workers that this was pretty much my normal and he gave a really sarcastic "yeah right, so you do this all the time do you." Er... YES!!!!

Anyway, so the ambulance guy turned up a little while later and by then I had managed to settle myself with some slow breathing. Amusingly, the ambulance dude seemed a bit perplexed himself as to why he was there. I explained my diagnoses, explained that I had THOUGHT this was a safe place to come, that I was clearly wrong, and that I would never come again...and he was happy to not transport me to hospital. I drove home and as you can imagine, spent the rest of the day dealing with my big feelings in the safety (and isolation) of my own home.

And THAT my fellow forumites, exemplifies why "seeking support" still poses a massive challenge for me, despite the fact that I DO have good insight and I DO know what I need.

Well that was a nice vent. Thank you for listening

Changing the topic, one of you (I think it was @Faith-and-Hope) mentioned adult play dough. That does sound like something that would work for me. I will go and find your recipe.

To other news...I went for a swim today (in a chlorinated pool - no waves ) which helped me to feel better. And I did a couple of other little things, though still very little relative to what I would LIKE to have got done. I am feeling a bit better knowing it is only one more sleep until I see NP. I wrote her another letter today which I will take with me. I have to send my once-a-week email on Fridays so anything further I want to say has to go in a letter to take to the session. I am hopeful that we will be able to repair the rupture from last week. She is pretty responsive to my feedback...it is just SO HARD trying to get things on track. One of you mentioned in a post last night that I shouldn't feel rushed to build the relationship. However, I actually do because I am so desperate to move forward. My biggest angst is around employment. I desperately want (and need!!!!) support to make that happen. So yeah, there is some time pressure there, which I know adds to the muddle.

Alright, well there's another long-winded post from me. Well done me for sticking to my resolve of not jumping on here during the day. Gee I'm awesome...and modest

Anyway, how are you travelling today?

Hi @Phoenix_Rising You did a great job staying offline today - I've been on and off a bit but more off than on for a change.

Carrying an 'In Case Of Emergency' letter sounds like a really great idea. Should also give you a little piece of mind that you can show anyone what is happening and what they can do for you when you have a 'meltdown' - so hard to verbalise anything when you are in the middle of it!

Wow @Phoenix_Rising no wonder you have such strong feelings around 'seeking support". You actually did an extremely good job to get yourself to a place that you thought was safe and your were massively let down.

I believe that was me who said you shouldn't feel rushed to build the relationship - probably my own anxieties and trust issues coming out there!!! I understand though how you really want to be able to move forward and that this is something really important for you to do as quickly as possible.

Yes you are awesome .... and modest! .. but I also find your posts really interesting and insightful. So nice that you have a place that you can vent/write and connect here.

I am travelling ok. This morning I was feeling ok then started to struggle a bit around lunch time. Not doing too bad at the moment but am trying to control a little anxiety and still have a minor headache. I did sleep for nearly six hours last night (only woke up once) and am hoping to be able to sleep earlier tonight. My GP has recommended I take my meds earlier tonight to see if that helps. My only concern with that is that I will wake up when it is stil dark and that is not a safe place for me. I'll try not to worry about that too much at the moment - see how it goes!

@Zoe7 I am so pleased to hear you had a reasonable night's sleep. I take it from your previous posts that 6 hours is a vast improvement on where you have been at for a while??? It must be horrible to have issues around darkness, given that darkness comes around with annoying regularity every twelve hours or so! I'm curious to know what sort of strategies you have for coping with that? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I haven't read through this entire thread (it's kind-of long you know ) so I only know little bits of your story.