Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope

@Zoe7 ...... 🏮💕

Here's my lantern for you .... sitting with you through the night my friend .....

@Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope I don't know what else to do anymore. I don't want this life. I cannot see past each moment I am in and each of those moments hurt! I cannot wait for each day to end but then I am faced with the darkness both in reallity and metaphorically. I am completely consumed at the moment by all the pain I have endured throughout my life and cannot see past it to find any joy at all. I cannot explain the feelings and I cannot fight them coming when they do - I do not have the energy and I do not have the strength! I know I am really not well and this is adding to my emotional fragility but knowing that does not help to alleviate how tired and defeated I feel.

I have often said that me going through what I have has probably meant that it stopped someone else being the 'victim' and I looked at it as 'saving' someone else from being hurt so deeply, but now this pain is destroying what little I have left of Me. There have been times over the last few days when some of those 'memories' have been so prominent and so vivid that I have thought I was 'somewhere else'. I can't keep reliving this and I can't keep living like this. I do know the catalyst for all this was the incident the other day but I was already not doing well and that just amplified how I was already feelling. I don't even feel 'alive' - and more to the point - I don't want to be alive if this is what it feels like!

@Faith-and-Hope thankyou Hon I am going to log off now. I am too tired and too sick to stay. I hope I can sleep - not sure that will happen for long given how sick I feel but a little sleep is better thsn none (as long as I don't have any nightmares!)

Look after yourself sweetheart

Zoe

@Zoe7, no one should have to live with the things you live with. You certainly don't deserve the life you have just now. I sometimes try to put myself in your shoes and I get scared with how much you suffer. But the other part I see is the steps you were taking forward before you got physically sick. They were small but definitely forward moving steps and they were so incredibly hopeful steps. I know it is so hard now but if you can hold on until you are physically better I'm sure you'll be able to take many more forward steps. Your psychiatrist sounds fabulous and has a plan moving forward with you at the centre of that. Have faith that she can heal you and you can find peace and joy back in your life once again. I believe in your courage and strength to beat this. You are a beautiful soul who deserves some beauty and good in your life again. Please hang on for that.

💜🤗💐

Time will create some distance between the event of the other day and each new dawn @Zoe7 ..... you have felt like this before, then a new dawn began to emerge and you felt lighter, and each day was not like this. Last week you were starting into more sleep and recovery .... this is a back-slide .... but it won't be permanent. The solstice will come around again and the daylight hours will get longer, and the days warmer and more light-filled and welcoming.

Stay the course @Zoe7 .... it is possible to regain your strength in increments around the set-back weeks .... and perhaps you will be able to manage a nature retreat at the beginning of Spring, even if it's just for a day.

Sitting with you, whether you are logged on or not .... lantern in hand .... holding you to the light ....

💚💐🌷💕💚💐🌷💕💚

@Zoe7 ..... 💜💕

Good morning @Zoe7 ..... 🤗💕

💜💐🏮