Am Not Coping

Thankyou for your kind words and support @Sans911 I am really so lost as to what to do anymore. These memories and feelings are slowly, day by day, destroying every part of me. Apparently it wasn't enough to go through such trauma - now I have to relive it all every single day (and night) and there seems no escape. I am so tired - I can't think clearly, I can't move or do anything apart from stay alive. I don't know why I have had to endure so much - I certainly have not deserved any of it - and the pain doesn't stop. The smallest thing can trigger a memory or a feeling and often they are so invasive that I can't see past the moment I am in or past the intense pain I feel. Merely breathing can be a trigger. I have no idea how I survived throughout all the trauma and I have no idea how I continue to survive. What I do know is that I am presently in a position where survival is getting harder and harder to accomplish. I do believe that every individual has the right to decide whether they live or die - that is exactly where I am at and I am sorry to say that the pendulum could quite easily swing either way. I am so tired of this constant battle, this constant fight to find any meaning in my life, and trying to find the energy to get through each day. Surely one has the right to choose their own path when they can feel the world has closed in around them so tightly that there is no way out. This may be the point when the struggle ends and the darkness wins!

@Faith-and-Hope @Sans911 I am too tired and too teary now to stay on here. Hugs to you both. Take care...

Zoe

Hi everyone here

@Zoe7, feel for you 😟 and do have a pretty good idea what you're living (without saying too much), as many here and all over the world who are fighting to survive, to forget.

It is absolutely difficult to explain to anyone that has not 'been there' - how reminders of trauma and feeling threatened often bring it all back - like a freak wave that, nocks you down and takes you back there.

Hate that some think its a 'choice' we make - to be like this. When that 'fight flight or freeze" kicks in, body chemistry changes things, and... ... Its like actually having a traumatic fall without the physical injury, its hiden. How am I going explaining? Is it like that for you too?

This might help you: Visualisation - Sometimes I recreate a scenario, like you had, in my mind (like a dream), but create a way where you can escape, or successfully hide, or in fact stand up to the threat. Pick tbe one you're most comfortable with. It will overwrite the memory a little, because you've resolved it - in theory at least, what you can do next time at least. After all I believe that's why our mind keeps going there, because it wants a solution, how we are to prevent or handle it better next time. I think.

When I was a child I had a reoccurring nightmare of being chased by a hidious nan who blamed me for something I didn't do. I use to wake up scared. Mum would yell at me to go back to bed so I learned to to stay in the dream / nightmare a little longer and resolve it. In my dream I ran into a shop and they let me hide behind the counter. The man came by looming for me asked if they'd seen me and they said no and I was safe for the moment. After that, if ever that bad dream came I knew I would be OK. Does that make sense? I know a dream us different to real life (though for a young child I was frightened of someone in my life, a man) and these triggers are like bad dreams, n that we, our minds add to it from the past. Just a suggestion.

I do have another suggestion hat will help you (its helped me), totally ELIMINATE ALL NEGATIVE ABSOLUTES FROM YOUR COMMUNICATION. And from all communication. Why? Because YOU are listening and creating your own demise, your path. Not that removing negatives will stop them happening, but expecting them to happen have a tendency to make it so. A case of "what you say is what you get" and I really don't want to see so e od those horrible outcomes you predict for yourself. We can't control tomorrow bit we sure can enter it with less fog. Hope its OK to say. As I get to know you I really want what's best and literally feel the things that are holding you back, no judgement, or pressure intended, just wanna help because I care 💜

Oh no, just realised it's 3am, night 🌷🌿

Morning @Zoe7 ..... 💜💕

@Former-Member @Sans911 @Former-Member

Morning @Faith-and-Hope thanks for the sunrise to add some light to my morning You always seem to 'pop up' when I really need it

@Former-Member It is much more complicated and much harder to move through this than I can even begin to go into here. But I do hear you and I do appreciate your support

Go gently @Zoe7 .....

We can hold you in the light when it's hard to keep yourself there ..... FC .... ❣️

🤗💐💚💕🦋🤗💐💜💕🐬

FC is needed today Hon

I don't know if I can hold myself up today @Faith-and-Hope I am too tired

I'm so tired @Faith-and-Hope I am trying to stay here to stay connected but I don't know if I have the energy.