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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember11 July 2017, 10:39 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi Lisajane, didn't realise your kids were and at, that's been hard for you bit hopefully they atr coping somehow. Try do all those things you never get time form

Zoe, its fair enough that you're hypervigilant after that experience today. But doesn't sound like he was targeting you, maybe stoned and thought you were creeping up on him haha

I had a flasher jump out from buildings once, i stared into his eyes as I walked past as if nothing was odd,, bof t i knew not to look down, I'll never forget those eyes of his. Not drugs like you as, but, a spirit, mennasing. A nurse was abducted from that street and murdered not long after, I've always felt guilty for not reporting him after her. Its stuck with me decades. My higher self at he time guided my responses which I think saved me.

Another story, your events today made me think of a a similar time i finally resurfaced out of a lengthy valley: 5 years back leading up to a major breakdown, I went missing, hiding from everyone. They even broke into my house looking for me more than once, inc the police, I made myelf invisible hiding in cupboards etc. All quite silly looking back, but my point is, when I came out of hiding, and went to visit a friend, her normally placid old Rottweiler bit me badly, I had to have stitches and tetanus and antibiotics. I crawled back under my rock for anothet week trying to make sense of life. Like you say, why can't it get easier? But does change for the better, if we endure. Most days are so much better than then for me, believe it or not, I was bad. Hang in there Zoe, you'll feel safe again soon. ❤❤❤

In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 July 2017, 10:39 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member you have nothing to be sorry about - you didn't write anything that you shouldn't have - and my present state is definitely not in any way your fault. Please know that lj - definitely NOT your fault and NOTHING to be sorry about

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember11 July 2017, 10:56 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Former-Member - missing them hugely. sometimes its impossible to ever really feel safe, i dont actually know if i know what safe is. when i first got together with my ex (i was so young) i think i felt safe for a short time, that i'd found somewhere safe. but that didnt last. im not sure if i'll get to feel safe again. i dont know.I'm glad that you can feel/see some improvement since those hard times when you were hiding fromthe world and glad you're here where you can be seen 🙂

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor11 July 2017, 11:38 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 - that would scare and trigger me too. Thank god he walked away and you and Toby got inside the house - where you are safe.
Oh moneyproblems or lack of money. If causes such acute stress. I hear you. I do sincerely hope your money is in tomorrow.
Mum drove me up to the big town today so I could deal with CentreLink. They had rejected my last medical certificate - but no reason was recorded in the system. But the lady fixed it. Then I gave her my next certificate - for the next month. I explained there is a gap between last month's certificate and this month's certificate. She promised It wouldn't matter and wouldn't come back to bite me. I have to trust her. But for the time being, I still get to receive my little CentreLink payment.
Sending you a big hug my friend and I hope tonight offers you a deep and dreamless sleep. ♥♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 July 2017, 1:26 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 ..... 💚💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor12 July 2017, 9:43 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Former-Member

That was really rough and scary - and it has scarred you too - we have to be so alert - I have been stalked a couple of times and it is not pleasant - in my case - not serious either. We do tend to become hyper-viligant though - and for good reason

And @utopia

Yes - I know you have to trust the woman at Centrelink about your certificate - I am sure your doctor can write another one - unless it was the horrible doctor - but still - it's tense for you with all of this happening

I hope you either get disability or something - this has gone on for so long. Of course - we all want the best for you

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor12 July 2017, 10:31 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

That was a very scary thing to happen - you did the right thing to ask him if you could help him in some wayd - puts people a step back at times -

But wow - how aggressive that he kicked your fence! - I am sure you were rattled with that happening - I would be - it's not nice at all

Do you live in a safe area? For a while I didn't and it could be unnerving - I hope this - or something like it - doesn't happen again

I hope your money gets in today - I don't know what kind of allowance you get but mine comes in on a Wednesday

Dec

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor12 July 2017, 10:34 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 July 2017, 10:46 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

💚💐🌷💕🦋💜 .... @Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 July 2017, 1:00 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

The good news is my money has finally come through - such a relief!

Have had my psychiatrist appointment. I told her how tough the last week has been - financially, physically and mentally. We briefly discussed how much my illness has affected me emotionally as well as physically and how triggering not being able to breathe properly has been. She did ask in what way - I just shook my head - and she said 'that is what you can't talk about'. She was spot on and didn't push it any further. I told her about yesterday and the effect it had on me then and still does now. She is not surprised I am feeling like I am today (and last night). She doesn't want to increase my meds atm as being sick has set me back a bit and she feels we need a bit more time to see how affective they are when I am physically a bit better.

The very first thing she said as soon as I sat down was 'I can see you really aren't well'. She is very perceptive and I am so glad that she 'gets me'. I told her I am tired - just really tired. She also understands how terrifying the thought of hospital is and asked outright if I was safe at the moment. I said yes but only just after the last week - I was completely honest! It is the same 'story' - I don't necessarily want to die I just don't want to live - there is a difference!

She also asked about my income and if I had enough money to cover bills and living expenses. Then without me saying anything she said to make sure I come to appointments even if I couldn't afford them and we would work something out. That was actually a huge relief.

She is away for 3 weeks but is going to notify another psychiatrist (female) of my situation and if either myself or my GP think that I am not improving or in any danger that she is to be contacted immediately to see me. She is also going to put in a letter to my GP that she can contact her any time if she has any questions, any concerns or wants to discuss how I am going.

I have my GP app this afternoon. I will try to update everyone later on today but I do need to get some sleep also - I am so tired!

Zoe

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