Am Not Coping

The clever thinking was by me this time @utopia - but I can understand why you would think it was from F&H.

Read on the other thread what happened - it sucks my beautiful friend

Hope you are calm enough to sleep. Chat tomorrow hopefully

Don't forget how much I love and care for you and tonight I will be holding your hand like you have done for me over this last week (and all the others!)

Hi @Zoe7,

I just wanted to swing by TOR and tell you again how much my virtual birthday party meant to me. I will never forget it, just as I've never forgotten the virtual party I had on the uni forum for my 30th birthday.

I am struggling so very badly now with the absurd situation of needing to find therapist-take-eleven while being too depressed and re-traumatized to search for therapist-take-eleven. I am spending a LOT of time lying on the floor, and I wanted you to know that while I'm lying there, I often get memories of my virtual birthday floating through my head. It is super soothing and the funny things that were said make me giggle even when I am in such a terrible muddle. I really want you to know how much it means to me that you, @CheerBear and others went to all that effort for me. Thank you.

I am so sorry @Phoenix_Rising that you have to 'therapist shop' again. It is not fair and you really should not have to deal with this again little turtle. You know I understand the re-traumatizing 'thing' (different 'issues' - similar thoughts/feelings)!!! Neither of us should have to deal with ny of this - it really isn't a fair and just world when those trying to get help and wanting to 'get better' are not able to because of the circumstances they find themselves in through an inadequate MH system. I can only imagine how much 'better' I may be now if my psychiatrist had been with me from the beginning and I didn't have to wait nearly 6 months to see someone. Thank goodness for my GP and forumland - because without both I truly do not think I would still be here.

Here is a present to snuggle in with little turtle (sorry I am sitting on your back - just brush me off when you want to - I won't be offended at all...)

I super love that turtle with the butterfly @Zoe7.

Yep, I totally agree with you that it simply shouldn't be this hard. Knowing that I found my awesome uni counsellor...and then lost her again when I graduated is SO crushing. Like you are saying re. your psychiatrist, I know I would be in a totally different space by now if I could have just kept working with (K). It is SO unfair.

I am seeing my GP today and I have managed to go through the ATAPS list and find nine possible matches. Part of the problem now is that I can't call anyone without my GP sussing it out first because there is a VERY good chance that I will lose my words on the phone and just start either screaming or making weird noises. I super wish everyone was as awesome as @Former-Member, @Former-Member and @Former-Member at navigating that. But alas they aren't. I figure if my GP susses the person out and gives them the heads-up about just how puddled my brain is right now, then if they are the right person, it will be ok for me to then call them.

I super wish I could find a good psychiatrist. Not that I particularly need a psychiatrist on a day-to-day basis, but it would be good to have one in my corner. I still can't really make sense of the psychiatrist refusing to see me because I'm "too complex." Nope, that is never ever going to make sense in my brain.

I did have a thought @Phoenix_Rising around that psychiatrist saying you were 'too complex'. I was wondering if it may be a similar case with my psychiatrist who has had to 'close her books' for this year as she is struggling to fit in all her present clients. Maybe it is a similar case with your (not) psychiatrist - maybe it isn't that YOU are too complex but more a case of she isn't able to 'fit you in' and give you the time that you deserve because she is already overloaded herself. I know this probably doesn't help you at all right now but it does make me think it could be less about YOU and more about HER - just a thought little turtle!

I am glad your GP can take the lead in contacting people for you - mine did the same thing and I know she worked really hard to find someone and had several 'not-so-helpful' conversations before finally being able to talk to someone - and as luck would have it - she turned out to be exactly the right person for me - later than we would have liked but we got there in the end. Yes - the whole 'drama' has set me back a long way but I do know that the support is there (even when I forget this at times!)

I think we are very, very lucky to have people like @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member and @NikNik that are around to help us out when we need it - so much patience, care, compassion and support - they really do epitomise what this forum is all about and I am also very grateful to all of them also for the support they have given me.

@Former-Member no you didn't miss my birthday - it was little turtle's birthday!

@Faith-and-Hope @utopia I have had a very long day - and it got really scary for a little while.

My money is not yet in and my credit is out on my phone. I have a little data left on my internet but not sure how much so it could drop out at any time. I really hope my money is in tomorrow because I really need to go to my appointments.

...and that is the good news from today!!!!!!

I decided it was sunny enough for me to go outside this afternoon and try to paint the temporary fence I have put in the driveway so Toby can't get out. It is low enough that I could sit on the ground and do a little at a time. Toby of course was supervising.

There were lots of people coming past at diferent times - some with dogs, some just walking. But there was one man who stopped right in front of the fence. He was clearly under the influence of 'something' and he just stood there.I have seen that 'look' many times before and it has never ended well! I tried to keep calm but was really in a vulnerable position as he was standing against the fence and over the top of me just staring. I talked to him calmly - asked if he was ok and if he needed any help - then he took a step back and kicked the fence. At this stage I was quite scared but he walked a few metres up the path and then ran up the road. I took Toby straight inside and have been curled up with him all afternoon.

I am waiting now for the meds to take effect but I am really too scared to sleep. Not exactly a small trigger for me - and all my fears are in my head tonight. I can't even say I will stay on here for support because I don't know when I will be out of data...this is going to be a tough night

Sorting out my money isn't the issue @Former-Member - it is the not knowing when it is coming in. I borrowed some off my mother and then my sister also this week to buy all the extra medication that I needed. That has set me back quite a bit. I pay all my bills as soon as it comes in but then get the added expenses because I am 'unwell' again. It is a never ending cycle!

Th 'incident' today really scared me - more than I would let on to anyone. It scared me even more because Toby was there also. I have seen that look in the eyes and know first hand that there is no rationalising with someone in that state - it is purely self-preservation - if possible! I can't get it out of my head and I know I won't sleep tonight but there is nothing anyone can do to help - it will just be 'one of those nights' to get through any way I can.