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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

It's hard to get them out and about after school at the moment because they're tired and hungry when we get home, and after something to eat and a little bit of downtime, it's getting very dark and cold @Former-Member. They ride their bikes to and from school though so that burns a little. Winter isn't forever - have to keep reminding myself of that!

Sounds like a nice neighbourhood 🙂 I love having kids around the neighbourhood. It's always busy and the sounds of kids having fun is nice.

So love pears too! Especially juicy ones! Big fan of poached pears at this time of the year.

Feeding time at this zoo I think 😄 Hope you have a good evening. Nice to bump into you 🙂

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Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @CheerBear @Former-Member @TAB

Just a quick check-in Am exhausted but hopefully back on a little later.

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Re: Am Not Coping

I think I will be in bed early tonight my sister @Zoe7

feeling tired and my throat is sore

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Look after yourself my sister @Shaz51 - will be thinking of you. I am now on my second course of antibiotics for my throat/chest infection and loss of voice - so I know how bad it can get. Take care Shaz

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

ohhh hope you feel better soon my sister @Zoe7

In response to: Am Not Coping

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♥♥♥ @Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7, hope you've had a nice day.

I couldn't think of anything to make from lego, so here's a bigger brick.

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That is actually really awesome @TheVorticon - made me giggle a little so thankyou - you are a funny little vortican lol

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

I have read enough to pick up that you are feeling pretty fragile right now and you have some kind of infection - this is not good

Winter - yes - it's a tough time of year - it's kinda bleak and cloudy here this morning -

I am taking antibiotics too - I have had my toe nail operated on and it looks okay underneath the old nail - but I still have to take more antibiotics for the infection that is still present

So - I think we have these things in common - feeling fragile and antibiotics - both can cause the winter-blues to be worse

Thinking of you

Dec

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes @Owlunar It has been hanging around for a few weeks now - can't seem to get completely on top of it. My throat and chest infection has certainly improved but my voice is still not good. On the up side though - living alone and not working means I don't have to try to use my voice as I am supposed to rest it as much as I can - except for at my appointments I basically don't need to talk. Possibly up to another ten days of not talking (oh the kids at school would love this!!!!).

On the positive side - the meds increase and slight adjustment of times is helping me get more sleep at night (and alot during the day also). I am too tired to do much during the day and it is quite cold here now so even being out in the garden is off the table as I need to stay warm to continue to recover from this infection. As bored as I am I can see that there are some slight improvements this week. Last week was really tough - I was not in a good place at all - most likely the changes in med dosages and times hadn't helped, my GP was away all week, I was feeling very unwell and there were some really big triggers - but I got through it and I'm still here - one foot in front of the other - trying hard not to trip - and keep moving forward....

I have been thinking alot of you over the last week - I am pleased that your toe nail was operated on and hopefully the infection will clear up for you very soon. Also sending you my love and huge hugs for this time of year for you - wishing so much I could take that pain away for you but knowing I can't I hope sending my love and you knowing I am thinking about you does help in even the smallest way.

Zoe

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