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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

oceangirlSenior Contributor14 June 2017, 6:57 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I am bit better today @Shaz51. Your GP sounds nice and caring. All the best for tomorrow sis- let us know how you get on. I am heading up to Brisbane tomorrow to the airport to see a friend as she waits for a connecting flight. It will be great to see her and enjoy her company.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember14 June 2017, 7:12 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I hear you @Faith-and-Hope, its lovely your son is so affectionate, a good sign - mine is not. Think I was more prickly mum than you. I'm sure that no matter what eventuates, your son adores both his parents and will be fine. And yes, i agree that conflicts (even the subtle ones) between parents, and other pivital people, affects our kids, in different ways. And most of us don't want our children to hurt. What I've seen of your great capacity to love and understand and give of yourself here... I'm sure no matter what is said or extrapolated on or temporarily ground to dust through counselling, I have no doubt you have been a wonderful mum, I know it. Donr worry. Maybe I need to be more careful not to appear to put my experience onto others, you. I have had a lot of trauma, and become easy answer for shrinks. My boys father - unavailable the first 7yrs of his life, always broke, slept around, blames others, controlling, master manipulator, and very smart, even has a psychology degree himself... no, much easy to target the obvious. Of cause profiling me in the throws of grief after losing a child wouldn't help. Still, I am not you, and my son needed to say what he had to at the time. His dad would have been impossible to read. My boys He says these days he gained a lot of coping skills through counselling, and doingbok, so I don't regret that. I sent him to the best I could find. One who trained Family Court counsellors for years - now semi retired. They all go the extra mile for young people. Pray about it F&H, put a spiritual covering over the process for your son. The family counselling might be the better place for the other stuff, but I was encouraged recently to hear your WH is showing some insight already. He's the one who has to step up. Man ofcthe house in a Greek culture & all. Keep going into your prayer closet, your war room of faith&hope.... Holding you in light & love, always... 💜💕🌷🌿

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor14 June 2017, 7:12 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

have a good day my sister tomorrow @oceangirl xx

Yes I will let you know how i go but I think i know what he will say already

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor14 June 2017, 7:19 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Former-Member ..... means a lot .....

I know you were doing the best you knew how, and you had a rough start .... your boy needed to be seasoned to cope with a dad like that, and the loss of his sister ..... which it sounds like he has made a fair job of .,,.. and that is credit to you as well.

Thinking of you amongst my prayers @laoses ..... you hold strong.

💐🌷💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 June 2017, 10:03 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 June 2017, 10:15 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Appointment 2 update:

Saw my GP and had my throat checked - again. It is very swollen, red and dry - even though I have been drinking plenty of water. Now have drops to try to relieve some of the pain and hopefully start to heal it. Still have little to no voice so need to try not to talk until it starts getting better (that shouldn't be too hard - I only really talk to Toby and Cat anyway). If it doesn't start getting better soon I will need to have it looked at more closely - a little camera down my throat and all the way into my stomach to see if the 'problem' goes further than my throat. I am a little concerned that it has been nearly 2 weeks now and no medication I've had for it thus far seems to have helped - but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it - I have enough to worry about atm

I am not doing so well tonight - very tired, anxious and still feeling sick. I really want to just sleep tonight and am hoping the meds take effect very soon.

Hope everyone has had some light in their day...

Zoe

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor14 June 2017, 10:24 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

That does not sound good - I hope the drops help

I know from experience that kind of pain is hard to endure - it doesn't respond to pain medication in the expected way - so hopefully those drops with help topically

I feel for you - alright - I feel silly because I am sure you have already gargled with salt or whatever you have been recommended

I wish you the best with that infection and hope you don't have something down your sore throat - ouch - to see how far down it hurts

It sounds horrific

Dec

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 June 2017, 10:35 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Owlunar I was quite concerned that my GP looked concerned after looking at my throat. She said it looks really sore and I wanted to say 'no sh**' but I couldn't talk lol She said that it was very swollen and red as far down as she could see and we may need to explore further to see how far down it goes and if there is an underlying problem from my stomach. This really has just added to all my other 'issues' - especially at night because not only does my throat feel worse but I have to deal with the flashbacks and nightmares when/if I sleep. It is all a bit of a mess at the moment - but I also know that it is so much harder at night - so get through tonight, make it to tomorrow, and start again for another day.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember14 June 2017, 10:51 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Ouchy @Zoe7, your throat. Its no wonder though, you've been under so much stress. I get a lot less colds and sore throats since taking Vit-D. Also, something that might help you that I found recently is chewable Vit-C with Manuka honey. Swiss. taste yum. Hang in there Zoe, you had a big day today, stay warm, sleep well 🌷🌿

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 June 2017, 10:56 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I already take vit D daily @Former-Member - and for the first time in many years my levels are 'wtihin normal range'. It was the look of concern on my GP's face that worried me the most - she is pretty easy to read (I do see her often enough). I dosee her again Friday so we can see if the drops are making any difference.

I have had a long day - not sleep in the middle of the day so I am now over tired again.How has your day been?

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