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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I am good tonight what did you get up to today @Zoe7 how are you doing tonight hope you get a good sleep tonight

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Pepsimax

My psychiatrist contacted my GP yesterday and they discussed the short term plan for the next few weeks. They are both on the same page - and pretty much have been the whole time - but now it is confirmed between the two after their conversation yesterday.

The priority is sleep and the ptsd. They are both really concerned about me but agree that hospital is definitely a very last resort. The psychiatrist doesn't want me to feel any worse (if that is possible) and believes that continuing to suggest hospital would be more dangerous - so she gets my fears completely.

They believe the best plan is for them to both continue to monitor me closely - GP 3 times/week and weekly psych visits. Next week we will reasses the meds and possibly introduce one more at night to help decrease my anxiety. Both of them have very real concerns about my 'state of mind' and the effects of the ptsd at night but my psych believes that the anxiety and nightmares can be 'controlled' (and even eliminated) with the increased dosages of meds and the introduction of another one.

It is still going to take time and it won't be an 'overnight' fix. I do know how 'unsafe' I can become at night when it all gets too much for me - so that is where I will need to have continued support from anyone who is around to help out.

The weekly dispensing of meds will continue and if either of them feel that I am in danger (even slightly) then I will have to go back to getting my meds daily.

I am starting to feel like my own pharmacy though!!!

All my other test results came back within normal limits - slightly abnormal liver function but that is to be expected with the meds. My throat is still sore but as with everything - just time and rest.

I am definitely not to do any form of therapy yet - I am too unwell. I know this is a long road but at least we are all on the same page and both my GP and psych have really listened to me and understand more fully the extent of what I am dealing with. Now it is just time - and trust - that I can get through this with their help - and the continued support from everyone on the forum who is able to help.

Baby steps.....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 I am really glad that there is a solid plan in place for you now and hopefully with time things will improve.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 sounds like a plan for you

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

That's good @Zoe7, glad the drs are working together and you can get into the GP x3 week, wow! If ya like me hospital can be a setback so its good they can up the community supports like this. And you're being so level headed and realistic about it - getting stable on the right meds before therapy etc. Makes us feel less alone when someone in power finally listens. And 🏆 Well done you for hanging around long enough to see it and feeling the hope 🌞. We will be here for you too, and don't forget you have the moderators 🌼

Winter blues are weighing heavy on me atm, trying to pull me back (teary, fatigued, flashbacks etc) but so far I'm holding together, kinda 😖

You be kind to yourself Z, self nurture - proud of you. 🌷🌿

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

That's good @Zoe7, my sister

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I have been really fortunate to have a great GP - I was going 4 times a week (she doesn't work Tuesdays). I usually have the last appointment of the day (which is a reserved time) and she does take a lot of time out for me. She (and the office staff) have always fitted me in somewhere if I have needed it. She also used to text me on weekends and her day off to check in me.She really is the most amazing GP. I found out today that my psychiatrist has 'closed her books' for the year because she has too many patients to see - but she is 'fitting me in' once a week anyway. I really could not ask for any better support from them both.

I know that I will need the added support here on the forum - it is my only other support as I do not have any friends and my family do not know anything (plus they increase my anxiety most of the time).

I am sorry to hear that the winter blues are weighing heavily on you - but I have faith that you will keep holding it together. If you are feeling the weight increase then give us a call out for some extra support.

Take care @Former-Member

Zoe

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Just coming past to say hi @Zoe7.

Also wondering whether there's any gelato about? I think my very sore mouth could use some tonight 😞

It's great to hear that you seem to have helpful support from your GP and psychiatrist, and as always from the people who care about you here.

Hope things begin to lift for you soon

❤️

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @CheerBear I hope so too.

The fridge is stocked - lemon gelato, mango gelato and macadamia gelato (and a tiny little tub of strawberry for me) - take all you need and enjoy my beautiful neighbour

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

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