Am Not Coping

It is just like any traumatic event that happens in someone's life @Former-Member - some people deal with things in different ways than others (no better no worse - just different) and often these differences are put down to one person dealing with the same situation bettter than someone else - but this is not necessarily the case. You can never 'judge' how someone is coping wiht certain 'situations' as you are not them - even if you can walk in their shoes. For me one single word is my biggest trigger and I have never been able to deal with that. For others this word is completely insignificasnt in their lives.

The meds for me can make it even less safe. If I am anxious (and/or triggered) after taking them, I will fight through the tiredness NOT to sleep because I don't feel safe. If I do sleep and have a nightmare then I am more likely to be disorientated and take more meds to try and reduce/numb the pain.

Tonight I have had my meds and although I am still exhausted I know that I can't try to sleep yet as my mind is in over-drive and there is too much risk for me.

I suspect it is quite hard for you too atm @Former-Member So I have so much appreciation and gratitude for you taking the time to listen to me

@-karma- I didn't receive an email from you but no need.

Not reading back posts .... need sleep .... just dropping off something .....

@Faith-and-Hope Been to my psychiatrist appointment. As expected she wanted me in hospital but Have managed to stay out. She has increased my night meds and given me something extra for at least the next week until I see her again. She is not concerned about being 'drowsy' in the daytime - the priority is sleep in any way we can get it.

She wants to see me weekly and keep seeing my GP 3 times per week for now. She finally gets how hard the nights are and understands thst the PTSD is so debilitating I can't sleep most nights. She also is concerned that I am heading for a full-on psychotic break if we can't get the sleep under control quickly - I agree - I am already 'seeing' things very vividly and confronting that seem so real and 'present'. She asked how depressed I was feeling - I told her really low. She responded by saying that if I was saying that then I am severely depressed. She is right - I do tend to down-play it a lot. We discussed my SI - I told her I hadn't made any plans but I just don't want to be here any more. I think that was ernough to keep me out of hospital. She wanted to delve into why I wouldn't go in and that made me really anxious - she could see that. I talked around it a little - as I couldn't 'talk' about my concerns openly (as usual) - she got how hard it was and agreed that we would re-assess next week when I see her again but if it came to the point where I still wasn't sleeping and the flashbacks and nightmares kept going then I had the option of calling the hospital and she would admit me immediately. That would bring with it a whole new set of fears and 'issues' so it won'y happen. I think I am more relieved that someone finally gets how very, very hard the nights are and can see that the effects of the trauma, and dealing with that issue, is a priority before it is too late - because it is absolutely destroying me.

I have an appointment with me GP this afternoon and my psych is going to update her before then so they are both completely on the same page. She also doesn't want me seeing the psychologist yet - even to 'touch base' - I wouldn't be able to deal with even that - again - I agree.

So it is a matter of getting through each day, hopefully starting to get some more sleep, and going from there. One step at a time (definitely very small baby steps) and a little hope that it can get better for me - it is back to square one and it will take time.