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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Hello my beautiful butterfly. How I miss our chats. But probably best for you to not read my hospital thread - as sometimes I'm in a bad space and I write about it.
On a more positive note- I'm able to post here to you today.
I'm sorry you are struggling my friend. When I read your post I thought that Toby was the one crying. Don't mean to turn your pain into a joke. Think it's more about my lack of connection between my brain and me.
Sending you my love and lots of supportive hugs. ♥♥♥
5.30 pm and it's time for dinner. I know - nursing home meal times. Aaarrrggghhh!!!!
Then just played hangman - but of course we don't call it that in here. Lol.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

oceangirlSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi my sister @Shaz51 what have you been up to today?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 ..... 💚💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope and everyone else...

I had a really bad night. Triggered early in the evening and really struggled with it the way I was already feeling. I was feeling so bad I couldn't even log on to the forum. I got through - I really don't know how - spent most of the night crying and drifting in and out of sleep until the images in my mind would wake me instantly and I would be frozen from fear. I am so tired today, very shaky and feeling really sick from the nightmares of last night. I need people around me to distract me and keep me going today - I am really low and really scared. I don't want to live like this anymore. It really is too hard. I don't have any strength left - I am totally exhausted.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

Those nightmares can be so draining - is there any medications or cause of action discussed with your medical professionals on how to best treat these nightmares so you can sleep? Sleep deprivation in itself can make us feel low.

We are here for you, you are not alone. Do you have ny activities planned for today or anyway you can connect with someone where you are also? It's a bad day that will pass. I have bouts of them but things do change and better times are just around the corner. Focus on that for now and activities that relax you. Keep talking on here as we are all here for you. Is it cold your way today? Sending you a warm hug and lots of love ❤️🤗

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 I super hate the fact that you are being so plagued with nightmares. I super wish I could make them go away for you. Please try to remember that there are treatments out there that are known to be efficacious in treating the symptoms of trauma that you experience. I know how utterly dark and hopeless it all seems right now. I know how hellish it can be to find the right supports. This stuff IS fixable, it IS healable...but I know how impossible it can be to remember this when you are in the thick of it. I so badly wish you could find the support you so obviously want and need. I know you had a bad experience with a psychologist, which made things worse...and trust me, I definitely know what THAT is like. I guess for me, the thing that kept me searching for the right therapist, was the knowledge that I KNOW this stuff is fixable. I know how many unhelpful and unskilled therapists there are out there, but I also know that the right one with the right skill set can be totally life-changing. I've heard you say that your GP and psychiatrist say you are too unwell to do therapy at the moment...and yet I watch the weeks go by and they don't seem to be coming up with answers. There IS an answer out there Zoe. I don't know where it is, but I do know that the gigantic muddle you are in right now IS fixable and it IS healable. Our brains are amazing and they CAN be healed - even from the most awful of traumas. I so very very badly wish I could help you find the support you need in order to heal.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope. Thank god for your ability to think quickly and problem solve.
Am sending you my love and best thoughts. ♥♥

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

Just heading out for my walk @Zoe7 .... will log back in at the coffee shop ....

Hugzzzzzzx ...... 💐💐💐💚💕

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @utopia. I had to teach myself to think on my feet with stuff like this cos I kept getting bowled for six and didn't know what had hit me ..... took a lot of time-playing in my head in the early years to organise my defences and learn to side-step, redirect, block etc ..... sounds like martial arts ..... but it was, mentally. I hadn't been up against people like this before. Even in boarding school you could just make your way around passive-aggressive people and not engage them. I learned a lot from watching how WH dealt with those sort of behaviours cos he grew up with them.

Now, without any insight into what has happened to him, the teacher has become the problem .....

You can't play a master at their own game if it goes against your own nature ..... you will only poison yourself with that sort of crap ..... so it's a matter of containment and boundaries ...... and lots of deep breaths ...... and walking ....., and painting ...,,, and foot massages ..... and anything else I can think of in terms of self-care.

I helps to think "what would mum have done .....". She grew up with a mother challenged with mi issues. She was very good at passive-resistance.

💜💕

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

Walking by the river @Zoe7 and thinking of you .... it's so peaceful .... the water is like a mirror where I am here .... reflecting the few clouds in the sky. It's a very soft grey-blue with a haze above the water, softening everything even more so .....

The whites and colours of bridges, houses, boats is really standing out. Taking photos for future paintings ,...,,

💜💐💕💚
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SANE logo
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.

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Aboriginal flag
Torres Strait Islander flag
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Transgender flag

SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.

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