Am Not Coping

How do I feel? I feel like the only way to stop the pain is to stop existing. I am so tired of dealing with it all day after day and not getting any relief from the mental and physical torture.

Physically I feel tired, nauseous and everything aches. My chest is heavy and I can feel my heart pulsate in my face, chest and hands. My head feels like there is so much pressure building up that it can't be contained. I can feel everything again as if I am back in time. I have periods where I can't breathe and I become dizzy and disorientated - when I have to sit or lay down before I faint (which I have done several times in the last couple of months). I hit my head a few weeks ago and had a concussion - it really has been all down hill from there.

Mentally I don't have any energy to think but all I do is think! Flashbacks and thoughts consume every waking minute and nightmares at night. I can wake literally not knowing where I am and believing I am back in time and in constant pain and consumed with fear. Sometimes when I close my eyes (even during the day) I have horrible images flash in my mind - they are so real that I literally freeze wherever I am from fear.

How do I feel - defeated, lost, stuck, broken. I don't know where to turn or what to do anymore. I have lost hope that I can get past this and I would not care if I went to sleep and did not wake up.

@Eden1919

@Faith-and-Hope Don't think I will paint it - but just trying to survive at the moment so painting isn't on my radar at all. I have another couple of photos that I really like but will post those for you later - maybe on F&A for you.

@Zoe7 I can identify with many of those feelings the feeling scared constantly and stuck is horrible and feeling like you want it to all just end like that would be an escape. Like that is the only way to escape. but in a way I feel that would be like letting them win the bad people that is. we cant let them win it would not be fair. but I understand the being tired and having no energy left to fight anymore. perhaps you can look to other things to give you energy. I know this will sound silly but sometimes silly things can help even if only a little. but sometimes when i feel i have no energy I turn other feelings into energy. love is a good one i look at dog or bunny and when i feel their love I get a little bit of energy perhaps just enough to keep going even for a few minutes. it is hard to explain and hard to do but it helps me when i am at the bottom and feel i cant get up. also music helps me a lot. feel free to keep posting about your feelings i am here sitting with you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jjNgn4r6SOA

@Zoe7

@Eden1919 Toby used to keep me going because I felt he was so attached to me that I couldn't leave him. While I was away my sister stayed at my house so he would be in his own environment. He didn't fret and seemed to cope really well with her - so in a way the one thing that has been holding me together and keeping me going - that I couldn't leave him because he would miss me too much - is now not an obstacle - he would be ok. I missed him more than he missed me! I hadn't been away from him for even one night since I got him and I found it really difficult while I was away not having him by my side (because that is where he always is). When I start feeling low I also can get a moment or two of love from him or Cat - it doesn't last long but it is still there. It is such a small thing but it does make a difference. I have always said that I couldn't leave Toby so I was not likely to try to end it again while he was around - now - I know that he would be ok. It does feel like the only thing that has been holding me back is now not an issue - so there is nothing stopping me if I finally reach the stage that I don't want to fight anymore.

Toby would start to fret after a few days @Zoe7 .... your sister was a novelty, but she's not you .... ❤️

OMG @Faith-and-Hope I heard that song this afternoon and was going to post it to you - but thought it was more how I was feeling so didn't - chose the Mariah Carey one instead!!!!!!! THAT IS SPOOKY

I call it a faith-connection @Zoe7 ..... ❤️

Now .... where are you going to keep me ??

In my heart - where you always are @Faith-and-Hope

@Zoe7 I can understand that but as @Faith-and-Hope said I am sure toby would miss you. it would not be the same for him without you. Also I know it is hard feeling like you have nothing to stick around for I know that feeling too well it is a very destruuctive feeling. we have to push past it though together we can. we must. one day one hour one minute at a time.