Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

How are you doing? how was your appt?

My day... UGH! i did learn that it is really embarrasing to walk directly into the end of a set of steel benches and hurts a lot! one bruised knee and two bruised shins! sigh. this is what happens when you walk looking backward over your shoulder at the kids following you. i'm half smiling about it now...

lj

@Former-MemberYour poor knee and shin!. The joys of being a teacher!!!

I did have an image of kids following behind you though - very cute

I am not going to say how I am doing - just too tired.

Hello dear @Zoe7

I do know what it is like to struggle with nightmares every night and waking up constantly in a panic and sweat; and to have the desire to just get a peaceful night sleep. I still struggle that way myself. The best person to see my friend is your GP, I know she was someone you could trust and find comfort from in the past - is this still the case for you now? When we freeze emotionally that's when we have to walk in a daze putting one foot in front of the other and just do what we have to in that moment, day. Giving no thought of what tomorrow will bring. Otherwise we will be become overwhelmed and freeze up again. And freezing in that mindset can be distressing and dangerous. Always feels better when we push through. Trust me.

I did try sleep medication which did help but isn't as effective as now as it was in the beginning. I have different life struggles to yourself but we seem to suffer similarly. What my daughter is putting me through, my past abuses, husbands ill health has taken its toll but what I think is happening to me subconsciously I am still worrying too much about the future. As I feel it will be negative and full of pain because of the self destructive path my daughter is taking, which is a serious matter. So there is reason but I can't continue to get caught up in it as it is only bringing me down mentally as well.

Are you fearing something in your future whether near or far @Zoe7? Do you feel inadequate to cope with it? Present events that you need to face now that you feel you can't. Too alone in it? Believing the past will repeat itself? We are all different but in my life experience this stress and fear can cause the nightmares, the anxiety attacks and the feelings of not being able to cope with life. And this can all stem from feeling no value as a person because of past hurts and abuses. Even if there are good people in our lives now certain stressors, hurts or situations can re-trigger this damage which shadows all that is good in our life now. And we feel we are living under a shadow that haunts in a world where we don't feel safe. And we freeze. Not sure if I am explaining this well or whether it has any relevenace to what you are going through.

We are all different but if you feel this could be happening somewhat to you (past bad experiences/fears determining your mindset and outlook for your future), it is so important to talk to someone about this whom can relate and whom is qualified (that you feel you can trust and open up to) to work out coping strategies and help change the thinking process of the future, learning to live fully in the present only - so you can feel safe again. Are you seeing a psychologist or counsellor that specialises in trauma, grief, anxiety and PTSD? Medication helps with sleep and endorphins and can certainly help and be life saving in many cases, but if the root cause is the above more support is needed.

I could be way off but that is what I am having to do to address my issues. I am yet to find a counsellor though. I have found surprisingly it all stems from my belief system of feeling devalued as a person (even if in reality this is not always the case, although certainly this is the case where my children and some family members are concerned) and from that depression, anxiety and a feeling of not being able to cope all stems from (together with the constant grief and stress of what my daughter is putting me through.)

It can become very complex, but what helps me most of the time is to live in the present, to become engaged in meaningful goals and purpose - and to be around positive people who care, people that I can speak freely and have a laugh with. People who miss and value me. Although I often feel like isolating myself it's the worst thing any of us can do and is a sure recipe for feeding anxiety and depression. I hope this helps a little. Thinking of you always with love ❤️

Thankyou @Former-Member
I will come back to you with a response - I am not able to at the moment - I am not coping well at all and need all my energy to continue to get through tonight the best I can.

Hi @Zoe7, do you realise how many people here care about you? It blows me away to see the pages of support on this thread alone, for you. In the last 24hrs you've had all these people reach out to you:
Faith-and-hope (community guide)
Lisajane (cg)
Utopia (cg)
Luna (moderator)
CatrionaB (moderator)
Eden1919 (sc)
Teej (cg)
Phoenix_Rising (sc)
Shaz51 (cg)
OverTheEdge (sc)
Me (sc)
I can only dream of such support.
It proves to me that when the chips are down, even with such a beautiful gathering of supporters, the most important person to help - is you. Believe in yourself Zoe, drag yourself to apts, do the things that can help and make you feel better each day (no matter how small). Oh sorry, here I am trying to 'fix' you instead of hugging when I know how hard it is to rise up again. Please, please just don't give up. I'm glad I didn't, there's been some good days well worth it, and will be worth it for you too. Trust the process. We're all holding you in the light. I'll even light a candle for you now irl Take care 🍃 💐🐦💕🌿

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@Zoe7 wrote:

I am not going to say how I am doing - just too tired.

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You just told me how you are doing @Zoe7. I will be thinking of you as I snuggle in my shell on the ocean tonight.

By the way, do you want to know something funny? I was reading a document today and came across the term TOR. I found it VERY odd that the octagonal room was being referred to in this document...and then I realised it meant "terms of reference." I know you are feeling super super super yuck right now, but hopefully this made you smile just a tinsy tiny bit.

Hugs @Zoe7

No need to respond my friend - I totally understand. Just look after you for now and know you are loved. Let that be your strength ❤️xx

I am not tagging anyone as I don't want to put any pressure on anyone to feel like they have to read or respond...

I am struggling so much that it is a good thing that there are no meds in the house that could hurt me permanently. I feel so stuck, lost and broken all at the same time. I have no feelings left - just numbness. Even the pain has become so consuming that it has disappeared. I once again sit in the darkness with no light to show me the path. As much as others try to shine this light for me - it is only through my eyes that it can be seen and my eyes are closed. I do not know how to open them again without letting in other images.

Why is it that those who inflict this pain on others are untouched by the consequences of their actions while we who have suffered these injustices continue to live each day in fear.

Why is it that every waking moment is a struggle to survive because one cannot move beyond their past. Living in the moment would mean that one knew how to live - and surviving each moment is exhausting.

I do not have any self-belief or any sense of being worthwhile - all I have is that my heart continues to beat and my lungs fill with air - not much to hold onto. Even my mind is being destroyed by the violence within me.

Hope has become a 4 letter word - and just 'surviving' my middle name.

I feel so entirely helpless and alone (even among friends).

As the world closes in a little more each day - the darkness gets deeper - and the will to go on diminishes with time.

I feel alone

I feel afraid

I feel worthless

I feel lost

I feel numb...

...and I definitely feel that I want it to be over!!!