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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 May 2017, 11:02 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member Yes seeing my GP tomorrow.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember28 May 2017, 11:10 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

That might be a good thing to hold on to @Zoe7 - knowing that you have that support coming. I used to feel like that about my sessions that i could just hold on to that visit coming up.

How are you going now?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 May 2017, 11:22 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I really can't explain this feeling. It's kind of like every part of me feels sick and faint, and I can't take enough air in when I breathe. I want to close my eyes to shut out reality but that means I 'see' things I don't want to see that really scare me. It is so hard to explain - it is more than just feeling like this, more thsn feeling sick - it is a heavy feeling and it hurts - it really is so hard to explain.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 11:48 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 - my love to you. We are all supporting you. Be gentle with yourself. You have your gp and psychologist, and you have us. We are all here to help.
Enjoy trying to get Toby not to sleep on you tonight. Lol.
♥♥ love and hugs

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember28 May 2017, 11:54 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh @Zoe7 that doesn'tb sound nice. I get heavy and feel likeb I'm made of lead sometimes. I get chest pains which I know are anxiety as well. When I am lost in a memory I fell the pain of some things as though it were happening again. I feel a constant ball of pain near my throat that I know isn't actually pain emotional pain Though I don't know if that describes it well. There's no e emotion with it, it's just pain. It gets bigger and smaller at times.
I wish so much that I could fix us. If I knew a way I would tell you. Here with you

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 May 2017, 11:54 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia and big teddy bear hugs to you xxx

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 May 2017, 12:04 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I think you might have some idea of what this feeling is like - it really is hard to explain - but yes it does feel like it is happening again. It is not so much that I feel heavy but there is a weight around me not allowing me to move - but my body feels like it is somewhere else at the same time. I get that feeling that I can't swallow - or don't want to - and can't breathe at the same time. I get that no emotion thing - I don't feel dizzy - more that all feeling is trying to escape out of me so I don't feel what I am feeling as if I do it will be too much to cope with. The 'sick' feeling runs throughout my body and wants to escape but there is nowhere for it to go and I start shaking and become kind of tingly and numb at the same time.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember29 May 2017, 12:11 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hugs @Zoe7 when I get tingly it's usually because km not breathing right and can get light headed and feel faint. I also dissociate and disappear sometimes completely away and not sure what goes on because I'm. Back in an awful place or in a nothing space. Other times I just feel as though I'm floating somewhere far away from my body and I can kind of hear things but it's echoey and I it's hard to understand. I feel so abnormal with everything that my brain does to survive but my psychologist assures me that it is normal for people who've been through what e have. I try to believe:)
I'm. About to put my phone away to try and rest but I feel guilty leaving you. Will you seek out the moderator or somewhere for help if you need to tonight?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 May 2017, 12:21 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Please don't feel guilty @Former-Member - you are number 1 and you need to care for yourself

Even though it is hard to explain exactly how I feel when I am like this there is some consolation in knowing that you probably understand without having to actually be able to describe it accurately. It does help to TRY to talk about it. I'll be ok - don't worry. I hope you get some sleep tonight - without any interference from 'those' thoughts or images.

Hugs and love...

Zoe

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 May 2017, 3:38 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I honestly don't know what to say anymore. Day by day I am simply wearing down. There are moments that I feel 'normal' but they are very few and far between. The majority of each day is fighting to keep my head above water - a cliche I have used many, many times - but I continue to use it as it is what best describes how am constantly struggling. I have held on so many times having Toby by my side - the thought of him being on his own was motivation enough to keep going. Being away from him for a few days had a bigger impact on me than it did on him. He was so excited when he saw me that he made himself sick - but he was fine for those few days with my sister. So the one 'real' thing that has kept me going is no longer there. With the thought that he would not be ok without me now out of the equation I do feel like there is nothing that is truly a barrier anymore if/when it all gets too much.

Do I sound like a broken record - yes. Is there an element of self pity - yes. Would me not being around have an impact on some people - yes. Would my pain end - yes.Would that be selfish - probably.

How do you weigh up the effects on others against the constant pain within. The fact is no-one should have to live like this. No-one should have so much pain, no-one should have to endure the constant fear and feelings of not being worth anything. Anyone who reads this may say I am worth something and I matter- but in reality if I do not believe this then it is not my truth.

I am so angry but at the same time so empty. I am angry that I have been made feel this way by people who have betrayed my trust and used me as an object for their own sense of power. I am angry at all those people who have hurt me, abandoned me, let me down, used me, abused me, destroyed me. I am also angry with myself – for putting up with it, letting it happen, not being able to let it go, forget it, move on, live!

Inside I either feel emptiness or pain.This does not mean that I don't 'feel'! I do infact 'feel' deeply and intensely. There was a time when I could shut these feelings away and they did not surface and have such a huge impact on my life - but those days are well and truly behind me.

I am tired.I am hurting and I am alone!

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