Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 .... 💚💕

@Zoe7, you OK? 💜💕

@Faith-and-Hope @utopia @Former-Member @STORMGRL101 @Shaz51

Sorry I cannot reply to everyone individually atm - just checking in.

Good to see you @Zoe7 .... 😄❣️

Good to see you @Zoe7 my sister

@Faith-and-Hope Thankyou for posting you painting - I know what a risk that is for you even at this early stage. You really touched me so much that you thought so much of me to put some of me in your painting - can't really believe that - truly privileged with just the thought

@Zoe7 ... 💚💕

This is a post I need to write for myself! I do not expect anyone to read it (although I know some will).It is purely for me to get out what I am feeling and thinking and try and make some sense of it all and maybe a little distance (in the short term anyway).

I have had difficulties with night and sleep for over 20 years. There have been some times when this has been manageable and even times when it has improved enough for me to function and thrive.But for the majority of the time it has been a struggle to even stay on top of the normal day-to-day things.

I have managed to work full-time and somehow done a lot of things in my life that should make me proud of my achievements. But all I feel is that none of it matters. The negative experiences in my life completely overshadowed any of my achievements.

I know this is a learned behaviour and that my emotional development was severely impacted with years of abuse from early childhood to early adulthood. I didn't have the chance to grow and develop as other children around me did and the impact on my self-esteem has continued throughout my life.

I do not find it difficult relating to people but I do find it extremely difficult trusting anyone. Any relationships that I have formed - friendships or otherwise - have nearly all ended with me being hurt. There have been some friends I have had along the way but mostly I have been on my own - where it is safer!

So what is affecting me the most now? That is an easy question to answer as it is what has 'ruled' my life for 20years. It has never been so pervasive or 'present' as it has been over the last few months. I do believe that this is because of 2 reasons. Firsty - getting sick meant I could not work and that in turn meant I had no outlet for ongoing distraction. Secondly - therapy was too much and has left me even more traumatised as it got to a point where it was becoming dangerous for me and there were no resolutions.

Nearly every night I have nightmares. These have become more confronting and 'real' of late. They have always been intense and distressing but now (when I have them) I genuinely feel like I have been transported back on time. I can't breathe, I feel sick in a way I cannot describe, I shake uncontrollably and throughout all this I cannot move.

The qualities that first attracted me to him began to disappear over time. He became more and more aggressive and alcohol and drugs took over. I knew that he was becoming more 'unstable' but never believed he would truly hurt me. I chose to think the best because I loved him - and had done for a long time - and I know it was reciprocated 10 fold!

Then the abuse and violence turned towards me. At first is was mostly emotional -- 'no-one will ever love you like I do', 'I don't know what I would do without you', 'you make me a better person' etc. Then it became threatening and physical - small things at first - not being able to leave a room, being pushed or held onto tightly. This very quickly escalated to a point where I did whatever he said out of complete fear. I wish I had had the courage to leave back then but the reality is I was too scared.

I basically lived two lives - the life with him and the life covering up what was happening to me - they could not have been further apart. Did anyone know - NO. Did anyone suspect - NO. This is often really hard for people to believe but unless you have been in that situation you do not truly understand how well you can actually cover everything up when you fear for your life.

The time that I finally thought it was all over for me is what plays over and over in my mind now. It is a mixture of being totally terrified and wishing I had not survivied.

These 'experiences' are compunded by the years of 'abuse' as a child and then the physical and emotional violence from my father as teenager.

This is the part where some will say - but you did survive and you are still here.I get that but my reality is that surviving has meant not 'living'. I would not inflict this long-term pain on anyone!

I do not know how I have 'survived' or how I got through most days. I do know that every day I want it to stop, go away, disappear - or for me to do the same. There are very few days that I do not think about this. There are very few days that I do not close my eyes and hope I don't wake up - which is quite paradoxical because my greatest fear around sleep is that I won't wake up - just as that last morning Inearly didn't!

Where to from here - I really do not know. I do want each day that begins to be the last but I continue to see the following day. I continue to feel the hurt and the pain and as time passes I feel more lost and more alone. It is becoming harder and harder to believe in a future or finding any 'peace' within. Sometimes time does not heal all wounds - it just fades them from others but the pain of them within remains.

I do feel broken and I do feel alone and what is so very, very real for me is that this has been my life - each negative 'experince' in isolation is bad enough but when they all suddenly converged into one big snowball rolling towards you and out of your control - you can't avoid being crushed!