Am Not Coping

Hugs @Zoe7 and @utopia 💗💛

Hi @Zoe7 ....,, 💜 💚 💙 💕

I do understand that there is no switch in this sort of circumstance that can change things from one state to another instantly, or even short term ..., the investment is a long-term one ...., but it starts with not feeling like you're just another small fish ..... and it's probably if you were to apply that thought to special others that will put the different perspective on it ..,,,

My faith system says that everyone is special, everyone is unique with their own gifts and properties that make them who they are .... and once that imprint exists, it exists and has meaning ..... everyone matters.

It is a long time of repeated pattern that has established a deeper groove in your life, and it seems like that groove is too strong to pull free from, I hear you, but your GP and psych are saying something else ..... they are saying that it is possible to reset the groove ..... and the groove wasn't the same pre-September. The post-viral slump added weight to the part where your needle had skipped - using the metaphor of the old record player - and where it had skipped to this bigger, deeper groove, they are asking you to trust that it can be skipped back to a shallower one ...., and from there a shallower one again ..,,, and that whole time, whether deeper or shallower, there is a beautiful Zoe music echoing around you anyway ..... Toby and Cat hear it, as we do here .....

Your art is part of that music ..... the loving care you have towards others is another part of that ..., the imprint you have left on the lives of the children you have taught still "sings" in their hearts ..... this is not useless ....,

When you're caught in the depths of despair you can't hear your own music ..... you can't see the joy others have in knowing you ..., you can't feel the warmth of your presence in their lives the way they do ..... but what is most important is recognising within you that that has an immeasurable worth.

Your sense of broken-ness comes from a repeat-play of harmful events in your life .... and that is where you hear others here going into hospital (I know that is not something you feel you can do) where that repeat-play can be reset .... so it is not impacting the way you are feeling it now. I am sure that is your therapists' greatest concern, that you are caught in that loop until you are drawn back out of it .... and their belief, experience, training says that you can be ...... it's the vortex that you hear others talking about .... and although he is not recognising it at the moment, it is what WH is caught in as well.

When you built those papier mache animals .... when you were involved in the big local project .... when you were helping one of the children to achieve their artwork .... in those moments you feeling what it is possible to progressively feel more often, but you have to connect with it for that reality to drag you, inch by inch, back out of your current one.

The survival days are still connected days, and it's that connectivity that is so important. What we have here is a pen-pal friendship ...., like the settlers who first came here who wrote to people in England or wherever they were from, wherever they were connected to, without ever meeting their correcspibdants face-to-face ..... you have my rose and I have your butterfly .... and we both have @utopia 's cocky and @oceangirl 's beautiful surf-beach .... and @CheerBear's rainbow .... all of these beautiful images capture an identity .... our identity .... and their appearance brings a spark of joy.

I am going to keep spark-ling at you .... you sure matter to me ..... and I can't wait to see more beautiful you appearing on canvas .....

🤗💚🤗💚🤗💚💐💕

Beautifully written sentiments @Faith-and-Hope.
@Zoe7. Although we may not physically meet, we are all real & we have all firmed a close friendship with one another. Because here, we can be open and honest. So strong friendships are created quickly. I love you. ♥♥
Update: the new clinic/hospital has a bed available for me tomorrow. I'm just waiting for my case manager from Workcover to get back from his lunxh break, so I can get approval. Fingers crossed.
I feel so much calmer knowing I'm going to hospital. My negative self talk tells me that I've failed. But I know I just need a break, to stop drinking and smoking, to refresh my coping techniques and to have my meds reviewed. Then I can start living again. So I can see some hope now, that I didn't have earlier this week.

@Faith-and-Hope. Wow. The dolphins come so close to the shore. Must be an amazing experience to witness it first hand.
I'm still waiting to get approval from Workcover for my hospital stay. Bloody frustrating that it takes this long. As my psychiatrist and psychologist both wanted me in hospital and my gp wrote the referral, you'd think it could just be automatically approved.
This wait doesn't help my moods.

So sorry to hear you're being made to wait @utopia ..... hardly anything more annoying ....

There were two fin-babies .... throwing a fish backwards and forwards between them .... I have never seen anything like that before. I thought it was only cats that played with their "catch" .....

💜💐

@Faith-and-Hope. Workcover just approved an initial 5 day stay. Then they'll review once they get more information from my psychiatrist. So that's good. I can go in tomorrow.
Yes dolphins and other creatures often play with their food. They are very tactile creatures. I've seen videos of them playing with clam shells and rocks and rubbish that is in the oceans

Good news @utopia hope they extend and you have some quality help 💜💕
Love the dulphin photo @Faith-and-Hope, wow, they know you're no threat, b st beautiful 🐬

Yay @utopia ..... ❣ You're under way ..... rest well.

It's an amazing interaction between nature and civilisation here. We have two rivers that join in the middle and become one river to flow down to the sea. There are dolphins swimming all around our city, but sharks have also appeared in the rivers at times ..... and an absolute abundance of bird life.

There is also a massive natural park right in the middle of the city, and the zoo gardens, and a wetlands really close to the centre as well, with the whole microcosm that supports it. It is an amazing place, despite the climate itself being quite dry.