Am Not Coping

Yes @Faith-and-Hope I'll see if I can find the painting she likes that I am going to draw inspiration from...

@Faith-and-Hope This is a Patrick Grieve painting which is being exhibited in a local Gallery. She wants the same sort of bright colours and subtle flowers...

Have to wat for the image to come through @Zoe7, but it sounds intriguing.

I look at a painting like this one (when it comes up) and think - 'I can do that' but have never really given my painting much time. I think because I have been too focussed on keeping really busy to get through each day. The problem with allowing myself the 'space' to paint is that it also gives me space and time to 'think' and that is not a good place to be @Faith-and-Hope

I understand @Zoe7 .... but you have such a wonderful gift there ....

Probably mixing it up is the best way forward .... sometimes arty, sometimes super busy .... I'm guessing that a lot of what is surfacing in you is like a one-off .... that you are going through this time while it is rising to the surface as a response to the therapy you began and then stopped ... hopefully once it settles down you will be able to move past it.

Hold to hope as much as you can @Zoe7, and we are here holding to it too .. for you...

💚🌷💕🐚💙🐬

I have no doubt that the way I am feeling is a result of the last session I had with the psychologist - so much brought to the surface and 'unresolved'. Even though I am getting more sleep in general than I ever have before, the intensity of the nightmares are so much more extreme and so 'present' that I am feeling it so much both physically and emotionally. I can't really 'talk' about it because I really don't have the words

It is not a situation that I can 'move past' @Faith-and-Hope - not in the foreseeable future anyway. It is going to be more about finding ways to 'deal with it all'- and I'm really not sure that is possible.

Dozing off here into iPad face-plant territory @Zoe7 .... so I'm gonna say goodnight and send you a great big hug ....

💚💕 .... 😘

Goodnight sweetheart - sleep well @Faith-and-Hope

A huge hug to you also

From what I understand (which isn't an awful lot) .... the brain's "plasticity" allows for new growth @Zoe7 .... new neurological pathways ....

People who have suffered accidents where they have lost the ability to talk, or have had strokes etc, can learn to talk again. The brain builds new bridges past the damaged areas in order to be able to heal and re-access facilities deemed essential.

I am hoping that your brain can learn to move around the trauma memories and isolate them, move itself past this point of feeling stuck .... but you can help with that by trying to focus on beautiful and positive things as much as you can in the moments that offer them ...

I love your beautiful sense of humour, your big-hearted care for others, your creativity .... invest in these things @Zoe7 .... invest in you .... please just keep trying ...

Hugs n hugs Hon ....

Hopefully you are asleep @Faith-and-Hope and will read this post later...

The 'situation' I am faced with here is the amount of time and re-learning that is necessary to change existing thought patterns and behaviours. It is not simply identifying and addressing the effects of a traumatic event and working to learn ways to cope with those memories. There is so much trauma to deal with over such a long time - and these are not isolated incidents that stand alone - they have become very intertwined as the years have progressed.

One of the major hurdles (other than the raw physical and emotional feelings) is the correlation I draw between 'happier' events and these 'traumatic' times.

I really do not know how I have survived this long and done as much as I have in my life. But what underlies all that I have 'accomplished' and 'achieved' is an incredibly powerful sense of worthlessness.

To some it may seem that I am 'feeling sorry for myself' and not 'trying' to move past these feelings, but nearly 40 years of feeling the same way cannot be changed with a simple 'flick of a switch' - as there simply does not seem to be a switch that can be accessed to turn on!!!

Most days now I don't even care about moving forward inany way. I am so tired of just 'existing' that all the energy I have goes into getting through - surviving - each day. When does the time come that one says 'enough is enough' and that I should have the right to choose when I have had enough.

I do understand that those left behind in such situations are deeply affected but isn't staying 'alive' -just for the sake of others not having to grieve - just another form of 'abuse'? When your 'life' is controlled by what 'others' want then 'control' has once again been taken away from you!

I was very touched by your kind words @Faith-and-Hope - even bringing tears to my eyes - but my reality is far removed from the perception of my life by others. I struggle every day to keep going. This is not a 'situation' that has manifested itself over weeks or months - this has been going on for years!

Ultimately - I am no-one special - just a small fish in a very big ocean.Over time I will be forgotten, just as that small fish swims into the dark depths of the deep blue ocean and disappears from sight.

So when does the time come for everyone to accept that some things are so broken that it is best for them to be discarded?

This is how I feel - broken,alone and hopeless!