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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I think you keep trying until you've tried all options. Given them a good go.
Just remember you don't have to do it alone. I'm here as are your other forum friends.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Checked out the beginning of your painting @Faith-and-Hope I so wish it was possible to see it when it is finished - some things in life just aren't possible though I wish you all the luck in the world with the competition - and I am sure whatever the outcome it will be an amazing piece of work that you can be very proud of

I'll have to see the sunset pics later when they are approved - might bring some light into my life!

I saw my GP today but really could not find the words to talk to her properly.

I'm not really back - just 'stopping by' as I miss a few of you on here. It is a very lonely place being me atm and I have nowhere or no-one else to turn to.

@utopia

@CheerBear

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Always here for you @Zoe7 .... in thoughts as much as on the forums themselves .....

I wanted to show you the background colour of the painting. I know it's dark, but the oil paint has a silky effect and with the brush-strokes in it, it is so much like our dog's fur ..... it makes me want to run my hands through it ..... but what a mess that would make !!!

I am going to use the technique of the old masters of the Salon in Paris, where they worked forward from a dark background to "illuminate" the images in colour that they brought forward from the dark background. Whike I love, love, love Impressionism, which is based on the principles of light or "illumination" in the sense of the absence of dark-coloured paints, in this instance I believe the older technique will suit the image the best.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7, I'm glad you trust us enough to tell us how you really feel at the moment, and i'm sorry its so hard for you lately. Haven't seen you round much - missed you.

Remember the bigger picture is impossible to see clearly from the valley of shadows. I've been there and it is hard and we do trip up and struggle finding our feet a lot, but keep going, no matter how slow, its still fwd and you'll get through. One day at a time, find one thing worth doing. Here with you 🌸

Today I created a folder in my phone, I called 'myAffirmations' where I store quotes and pictures and any quick reads that give me an inner lift and remind me of how to think. Its amazing how going through it gives me the spark to get up again. There's so muconline now if you want to start a collection of your own.

Big hug💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Former-Member it has been really tough lately - both on forum and irl - so doing what I can to get by atm

@Faith-and-Hope I'm the same here - always thinking happy thoughts of you even when I'm not on here. I sometimes find it both frustrating and sad that the people I am closest to in life I will never have the privilege of meeting and knowing in person. That is difficult to accept sometimes.

I love the fact that you are going 'dark' with your painting and building from that base. I think I told you but will again just in case - I changed the background og my butterfly girl from the dark forest feel to a brighter rainbow coloured background. I did really like the old dark background but I like this one even more. It is progressing but there is still a lot to do!

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@zoe7♥♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

OH WOW @Former-Member your image just came up - it is really beautiful - thankyou

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I find the rainbow colours so uplifting @Zoe7 .... it really is just the depth I need from this painting, in terms of its spatial depth, that is dictating the dark to light movement on the canvas ..... but even this dark background has so much movement in it owing to the mixture of pigments I have used .... sort of like those nail polishes that catch the light with one colour one way, and another colour when the light catches it the other way ..... not quite so dramatically, but it's still there .....

The strong, vivid colours that will go on top will be all the sharper against this gorgeous background colour .... I can't even call it chocolate ..... lol .... cos the Indigo adds an inkyness .....

I can't wait to see your butterfly girl. Maybe she is your light-catcher, with rainbow hues shining around her .....

🤗💜💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Just caught up on a little of what has been happening for you @utopia I am so sorry that things are so bad for my beautiful friend. I am sorry I haven't been around for you but I wish right now I could embrace you in a huge hug and then transport you with me through the cyber world back here with me. I would take you to the Huon Valley and visit some of our wonderful national parks and we could find solace in each other's company - however messed up we are lol.

Loving you and holding you close to my heart always my friend...

Zoe

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member image hasn't come through for me here yet .... funny how there is variation in them time-wise .... must be the long trip across the Nullabor .... lol ....

Have the sunset pics come through yet @Zoe7 @utopia .... ?

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