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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 6:07 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Well if this is the first forum you have been on then I must say you have chosen well lol @unknown

This is also the first I have ever been on and it really is the most wonderfully caring and supportive community here. It is a bit like we have 2 families - our real life family and our forum family (and often our forum family is the best one!!!!!!)

On this thread we have developed our own little 'corner' of the world that we call the Octagaonal Room. So if you see anyone referring to this room you know it is this thread. It started out as a place with a few corners for people to come and hide away in safety and soon needed to expand into an octagonal shape to accomodate all the people that needed a safe corner - we also have an outside area, some virtual cats lying around and a 'vitual' rainbow path to another thread.

There is a purple corner, a gelato corner, a garden corner (and heaps more)... but probably the most important for you to need to know about is the quiet corner that is solely for @Phoenix_Rising (she is our little turtle friend). This is a very special corner as it is her safe place to come where she can hide away and just BE - she doesn't have to say anything - she will often simply wave as she enters, put out the Do Not Disturb sign and wave as she leaves. The only rule we have in the Octagonal Room is - STAY OUT OF LITTLE TURTLE'S CORNER!

We sometimes watch stupid reality tv together and comment along with it for some laughs.

It really is an 'anything goes' sort of place and everyone is welcome.

Tell me something about yourself - what do you like to do? Do you have any pets? What is your fav colour? etc. etc.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 7:20 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Just started to type this post and my mum rings. Never a quick chat. No. She likes to talk forever!
MaFS was not a stupid show. That's where I met the loves of my life - Simon and Alene.
Fell asleep at 6am. Slept through til 5.30 pm. Mum took my son to his soccer game. I'm really not parenting at the moment. Awful to say, but I wish I didn't have a kid at the moment. It's just too hard to look after myself let alone someone who needs me. So all that negative self talk about being a shite parent is back playing in my head.
Am just about to cook us some dinner. Although I'd rather just eat a pkt of chips and go back to bed

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 7:27 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Please accept my apologies @utopia - I had a momentary brain fade and forgot about your special relationship with Simon and Alene - soooooooo sorry re: stupid reality tv comment - I stand corrected (again)!! LOL

Don't be so hard on yourself my little cocky friend - we all have moments when we need to rely on others (some more than others) so accept the help at the moment with your son as you need to do what you need to do to care for yourself first so you can then care for your son. You are not a shite parent - just one that needs a little support at the moment

Even though you feel like chips you are cooking dinner - that is a positive! What are we having tonight?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 7:36 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hello @unknown, nice to meet you. I heard @Zoe7 mention my name so I thought I'd pop by. I haven't been in here too much lately as I seem to have been dividing my time between hanging out in a nest sitting with a Forumite in her muddle, and dealing with gigantic waves of my own muddle. The octagonal room is a super nice place to be though. There's nothing very interesting to know about me, I'm just your regular aspie sea turtle with borderline personality disorder. I hope you find the forums as helpful as I have.

@utopia I have been following along with your story, but haven't really had a chance to chat with you for a while. Did I read somewhere that you have got a reprieve from your job searching requirements for centrelink? I don't know how you have coped with having to go through all that circus - and having to drive so far to do it! I am on the DSP and thus have none of those obligations. However, I voluntarily engaged with a couple of disability employment services a few years ago to try and get some help with my employment puzzle and it was HORRENDOUS. I had no idea how dysfunctional the whole centrelink and job network debarcle was until I experienced it first-hand. Every time I read about you having to drive for miles for a pointless 15 minute appointment I really really feel for you.

Anyway, I'm now going to jump on the rainbow slide and check in at the nest. I super love that you set up that rainbow @Zoe7. Off I go - wheeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

unknownSenior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 7:47 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

yes the forums do seem to be really great @Zoe7 pretty happy that i came here 🙂

haha lol that sound like a plan @Phoenix_Rising ill stay out of your corner and nice to meet you also 🙂

wow i think you might need to change the name to a shape with more corners by the sounds of it!

haha got to looooveee reality tv god they have some stupid things on there.

there isnt really much to tell about me im in my 20s my favourite colour is purple and also turqoise love those colours, umm i do have pets i own a little lap dog- a chuhowa or however the heck you spell it lol but shes cute shes only 2 but we rescued her as a puppy as she was mistreated so we took her in. what sort of things i like to do i like to bike ride and hang out with friends and also music . love love music esp the modern pop type of songs 🙂

whats sort of stuff do you like to do? whats your favourite colour? do you ahve any pets?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 7:50 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hiya @unknown I have to head off for a while but just wanted to let you know that I will reply to your post a little later - my favourite colour in turquoise btw - followed by purple - spooky!!!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

unknownSenior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 7:55 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

ooh spooky @Zoe7

thats no problems im going to head off soon for the night too 🙂 so if i dont reply tonight ill reply tomorrow 🙂

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 9:10 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Minced beef with vegies and a Kumar sauce over rice. Was ok. Another 20 minute ph call with mum. Lol.
I know it's good to have mum help with my son. But in this state, all I can hear are the shoulds. Should be doing this. Should be doing that. I get a reprieve when I'm asleep or absorbed in meaningless tv or a book. It's my way of coping at the moment.
Thank you @Phoenix_Rising. Yes it's good to have a months reprieve from centrelink job search. And I have the double whammy of two employment agencies. One for Centrelink and one for Workcover. Both in the big town. Rarely manage to coordinate their appointment times for the same day. As I have an 'injury' - centrelink only require me to apply for 10 jobs a month - instead of the 30 jobs other centrelink 'clients' have to apply for. I live in a small town. There aren't even 10 jobs a year here. Add in my alergies to certain chemicals and I'm restricted to only certain occupations. Then I need a safe place for my mental health. Bloody frustrating. Oh this is turning into a big whinge. That wasn't my plan.
I hope you are okay today and your waves have become gentle.
Hugs for you both. ♥♥

In response to: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 9:49 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Popping past to say hi @Zoe7. I've noticed you venturing beyond here more and it's lovely to see you out and about. You offer so much to others. Hope you sleep well tonight.

@utopia - happy to be an ear if you ever want an extra one to vent about c-link with. That system drives me (there is no appropriate word I can think of to insert here being we are in a mental health forum haha). I teeter somewhere between wanting to break things and wanting to just give up, almost every time I have to deal with it. It's infuriating and unfair. Hugs to you.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Apr 2017, 10:14 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @CheerBear. I have a suspicion that centrelink is a really a front for mental health research. The aim to be, how can we make some of the most vulnerable and financially needy people feel even worse about themselves.
Lets start by making them apply for jobs that don't exist. Then lets threaten them that if they don't go out of their way to attend every jobsearch appointment scheduled - that we will stop them from receiving benefits. It doesn't matter that there is no public transportation to the centdelink office. Because you live in a rural isolated area. And if you have any questions you can just call centrelink. But you have to call them on your mobile because ou no longer have enough money to pay for a landline - but you need the mobile for safety reasons because you live in an isolated area.
You will wait on hold for over 30 minutes - sometimes an hr to talj to centrelink. Then they tell you that they can't help you. So you will have to go into a centrelink office.
You've now spent $30 on a ph call and now need to put $20 of petrol in the car for the return trip to centrelink. That's $50 & you only get $300 a fortnight.
You walk in and wait two hours to see someone at centrelink. And when they do - they 'fix' the problem and tell you next time that you could have done it over the ph. You didn't need to come this far.
My theory is that centrelink is trying to make us all nuts. Lol.

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